The Love Languages: Including the Autistic Ones
The Love Languages: Including the Autistic Ones
- Respecting Schedules and Routines
- Respecting Space
- Physical Touch
- Problem-Solving
- Memorizing Details
- Acts of Service
- Words of Affirmation
- Info Dumping
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Parallel Play
Now, before we proceed, I’m aware of some of the history behind love languages; if memory serves me correctly, the person who came up with it was using love languages to explain why women should have subservient roles.
I would argue he’s right, for the wrong reasons. He’s right, despite being an asshole. Well, the Germans have a word for people like him, “waltersobchakeit,” which means, “You’re not wrong, you’re just an asshole.”
“Love languages” explain a lot, and has helped a lot of people, but, because he was an asshole, he “missed” a lot.
When an autistic person is on the receiving end of the “main” 5 love languages, as Morgan Foley put it,
“You are not showering me with love; you are showering me with anxiety.”
Due to the lack of understanding of Autism, we are viewed as “unempathetic”, when, in actuality, we’re simply different. And, due to our differences, we express ourselves, and our affection, differently.
In the list above, and in the image, I, purposely, didn’t state which ones were the autistic love languages. However, if you look at them, you might see a pattern in how they were placed.
For those who don’t, most likely neurotypicals, let’s break it down.
Here they are separated:
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The “Main” 5
- Physical Touch
- Acts of Service
- Words of Affirmation
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
The Autistic Languages
- Respecting Space
- Memorizing Details
- Info Dumping
- Problem-Solving
- Respecting Schedules and Routines
- Parallel Play
They’re all the same thing, worded differently.
Here’s how I paired them up and here’s where I’m going to be a bit snarky:
- Physical Touch / Respecting Space
Right from the start, I see the issue of love languages being used to exert power over someone, most likely a woman. AND there is truth to the fact some people like physical touch and see it as a sign of affection, giving and receiving it. And there are also some people who don’t like touch. Now, I understand some people feel if they aren’t receiving physical touch, they feel unloved, but if you know full well the person you want touch from doesn’t like touch, how are they the ones being unreasonable? By respecting the space of those who don’t like touch, you’re showing love. And someone who respects your space, your boundaries, in general, is showing love. Respect, at the very least. - Acts of Service / Memorizing Details
Here’s where I see the issue of love languages being used to justify women belonging in subservient roles comes into play AND I see where there can be a healthy application of it. Instead of it being called “acts of service”, how about we change it to “showing kindness”. There are people out there who show their affection through acts of kindness, and autistic people tend to be those types. If they’re with someone who feels receiving gifts is a sign of affection, then they’re golden. And here’s where the autistic love language of “memorizing details” comes into play; how can you do acts of service for a specific individual in your life if you don’t remember details about them? Autistic people try to remember as many details as they can about a person they love, so, when you forget something about them, they feel unloved. You denied them a “service”. Don’t act like you’ve never felt hurt by it, too. - Words of Affirmation / Info Dumping / Problem-Solving
“Words of affirmation” is NOT mine; in fact, they annoy the shit out of me. “Good job!” The fuck, am I 4? HOWEVER, if you want to talk for hours about your favorite thing, which is info dumping, go for it. Share your excitement with me! I might do the same thing with you if my ADHD hasn’t pulled me away from the conversation! And if you have a problem, bring it to me! We’ll fix it together! If all you want to do is vent, and do nothing about it, I suggest you get a journal so only your time is wasted. And, hopefully, you reading through your journal entries will spark you wanting to do something about the problem. Then tell me about it. “Here’s how to fix the problem you’re having” whether you want to problem fixed at the time or not, is, “I love you.” Wanting to help, is a sign of love. You’re welcome. - Receiving Gifts / Respecting Schedules and Routines
For those who don’t know, autistic people thrive on a predictable routine. Morgan, quoted earlier, gave a decent example in her “How autistics show affection” video, linked above the quote; if she knows someone in the house takes a shower at 5:00pm every day, she’ll make sure the bathroom is available at that time. Autistic people thrive on predictability. As a result, many don’t like surprises, especially surprise gifts. So, if you want to surprise an autistic person you KNOW doesn’t like surprises, it can’t be a full-on surprise. Do what Morgan’s partner does for her and give a hint at what they will be surprised with. What’s a little funny about this is many autistic people also like to surprise people with gifts. Why? Go back to item 2. - Quality Time / Parallel Play
Most neurotypicals think if you’re not doing something together, then it’s not quality time. Which is why “parallel play” is not recognized by most as quality time, let alone play. Yet there are times when people think parallel play is cute. For example: when Mr. Frederickson and Ellie, in the movie Up, are sitting in the living room, reading, they aren’t doing anything together. They’re in the same room, doing their own thing. If you think it’s cute then, but someone wanting to do their own thing while you’re in the room doing your own thing isn’t “quality time”, you have some unpacking to do.
We can talk about the creator of the love languages being an asshole, but it doesn’t change the fact the usage of love languages has helped people. Susan B. Anthony was a racist misandrist, but that doesn’t mean we get to drag women’s rights back to 1864.
We also have to remember the creator isn’t the only individual who ever used their love language to try and take advantage of someone. The bullshit idea that women “need” to have sex with their husbands so they know they’re loved has been spread around for, probably, longer than I’ve been alive.
In addition, women have been saying for, I know, longer than I’ve been alive how they feel unloved, on top of unappreciated, when their husband doesn’t do their fair share of the housework.
Now we have names for that. And, like any other communication tool, it can be abused. And, since autistic people have a hard enough time communicating, let’s not take tools away.
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Well, this is all for today! Thank you for reading!
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