Mandee…
I was SO caught up in you, but my insecurity pulled me away.
I thought I saw Mandee’s daughter today — not her actual daughter, but a young woman who looked very much like her. She had that same cute nose, the piercing brown eyes, and the short, brown bob. I asked if her mom was named “Amanda.” She smiled and said, “No,” and I explained why I asked. It sent me down a rabbit hole.
Mandee (she wanted to be different) was the daughter of the school nurse. We became acquainted in my junior year because I worked as an office assistant in the high school, and her mom was also the attendance clerk. There were three of us doing the job: Donna, Kris, and me. I worked in the boys’ attendance office, and they worked in the girls’ side. Why there were two separate offices was beyond me.
Anyway, we all took the attendance reports from the classrooms to the office where they were compiled by the nurse, Mrs. Fox. She was a whiz with the keyboard, and when she was done, we had to file them all into each teacher’s mailbox for the next day. When we finished early, we tended to hang out in her office because she was such a cool and sweet person.
She supported school events as well, and that’s how I met Mandee.
Mandee and her mom went to the senior show at the end of our junior year. Mrs. Fox was sitting a few rows away from me and my girlfriend, and when we got up to leave the show, she waved, and Mandee waved too. Strangely enough, the next day was a school day and when I showed up in the nurses office, Mrs. Fox said that Mandee wondered why I was with my girlfriend. I guess Mandee wondered why my girlfriend wasn't cuter? I guess this was also the origin of her crush on me.
I wouldn't say that I went looking for her, but she certainly came looking for me. I was not the kind of guy to be very resistant to female attention. Of course, this had everything to do with my insecurity from my mommy issues, something I had no idea about at the time.
So on spring break when Sandy had a babysitting gig, she invited me to meet them at the park where she and the kids were hanging out. I remember she made fried bologna sandwiches, which was quite amusing to me; I don't remember if they had mustard or not. In fact, I really don't remember a lot about that afternoon except hanging out with her while these kids played on the slide and swings.
I think I went to her house and visited her a couple of times after that, and one of those times we ended up kissing. I had a girlfriend at the time, but then again, it was all about the female attention, and not having any idea what the hell I really wanted. But the hugs and kisses and physical contact, and the immense emotional stimulation that Mandee gave was needed and appreciated; my girlfriend was a bit frigid a lot of the time (but she had her reasons).
It was all a bit innocent honestly, because I didn't try to get my hands into her pants or up her skirt — maybe because her parents were close by and her dad probably would've killed me. Which in retrospect, he probably wanted to anyway because of the way I treated his daughter.
It wasn't too long before I started feeling very guilty about my girlfriend, and since that was the only secure relationship I had in my life, I realized I’d better stick with security, despite the fact that Mandee was head-over-heels in love with me.
Her mom was not real happy about that. The first thing that she said to me after I dropped by their house was that I had better not hurt her daughter. Of course, as the immature 17-year-old that I was, I did exactly that; Mrs. Fox was never quite the same after that.
About a year later, my girlfriend dumped me and one of the first people that I called in my grief was Mandee. It’s all kind of a blur at this junction; I think I went by her house. I just remember that we went to a movie together, but then I took a couple of girls to see movies at that time; I took Esther, and I took Marie, dreaming that something could happen between us. Esther was certainly too nice a girl for me at that time, and Marie had a lot of issues that I didn't find out about until after we decided to get married, which was a big mistake in retrospect.
But since Mandee and I were both eighteen, and she really had no curfew, and since she worked till about 10:00 PM, she decided to drop by my house.
Everybody else was asleep so instead of opening the front door, I climbed out my window on the front side of the house. We went around the side of the house where there was a little bit of concealment by the shrubbery, and where the air conditioning was blasting away. My neighbors kept their windows and curtains closed anyway — as we all did — because this was Texas in the summer and nobody is leaving their windows open and everybody's got the air conditioning blaring.
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It got hot and heavy; we kissed we touched, no real sexual contact whatsoever except some breast play. It wasn’t long after that epidsode that she met her first long-term boyfriend: a guy named Timmy.
I pretty much lost contact with her for a few years until one day, when I was feeling kind of lonely. My wife was off on a trip with a friend of ours, which is another story entirely, because it turns out they were fucking each other, and if I'd have known that fact, it would've helped me a lot with the guilt that I felt calling Mandee. As it was, my childhood abandonment issues drove my “crazy” bus.
Mandee decided she would drive to see me. I had a lot of anxiety about this because here was a woman that I used to date coming to the house my wife and I shared while my wife is gone. I remember our landlord saw Mandee, and even though he didn't ask any questions, I felt compelled to explain that she was just an old friend who had issues (anorexia), and that there was really nothing between us. The thing that hurt as well was that I had to go to work that day, and when I left for work on my bicycle, I didn't know that Mandee was driving out behind me.
When I got back that afternoon, she was gone, and I was crushed. I hoped to spend the afternoon, talking and and reconnecting as the friends that I thought we were; maybe it was best that way.
Because of her anorexia, she had lost a lot of weight; she was kind of chunky as long as I knew her, and she was looking really good. She called me when she got home and explained that she was now a lesbian, and that she should've said that when she arrived to avoid the stress I was clearly feeling.
About a year later when my marriage finally crashed and burned, she was one of the first people that I called (again), but I really don't know why I called. She wasn't interested in me anymore, and for some reason I ended up making a connection with her roommate, who was not gay; we got along really well, except that I developed a telephone crush on her, which was really no good.
I was in a horrible place emotionally, and I thought there were people who cared about my feelings and would listen, but I was wrong. I think that was one of the things that led to a kind of breakdown I had at that time. I ended up going into a few sessions of therapy and hypnosis to help me calm the fuck down. It's probably also the first time that it was pointed out to me that I really didn't like myself. People always told me what a nice person I was, but I could never believe it because I did so many questionable things with my girlfriend, with Mandee, and with other girls too.
Mandee said something really funny once when we were talking, not long after she became a lesbian. I told her it was kind of a blow to my ego. She replied, “Well you can imagine how it was for for Timmy when I told him I didn't wanna date men anymore.” We laughed, and I said, “It was just as well it didn’t work with us.” She said, “It probably was, because we would've fucked like bunnies and had a bunch of kids before we were ready.”
Just like Maruchka I need to apologize to her because who I was then was a very desperate, confused young man who didn't understand anything at all about himself. And for whatever reason, because of the immense emotions brewing when I was around her, I felt caught up in a spirit of a romance — that was probably never gonna happen because of my insecurity, but it felt good in the moment.
The band 38 Special had a song at the time called, “Caught up in You,” and for some reason that became the theme of this failed romance. Even now when I hear that song, I think about those few months of our relationship, and how I felt really loved around her.
It makes me misty when I hear that song, and I can't help but sing along.
But, I let the good love slip away.
EPILOGUE
I had therapy today. Part of what we’ve uncovered in our journey is that I was not as nice a guy as I thought I was, way back when. We discussed a few different girls that I used like toys. Today it was suggested that I might attempt to locate some of these women to make a long overdue apology, and to help me cope with the fact that I was really terrible. Of course, Mandee was one of the girls.
I hit Google, and a phone number came up. When I called, I had Mandee’s voicemail. I didn't wanna leave a message because I thought it would be trite, so I decided to try calling again when I could get an answer.
After my fourth attempt, I got a call back from her because she did “call return”. We had a short conversation where I presented what I had to say, and there was an exchange concerning the death of her mother, Mrs. Fox.
In closing the call, Mandee said, “We’re good. I don’t have any ill feelings about what happened.” We didn’t agree to stay in touch or anything, and I’m good with that.
One chapter closed.
