questioning life
i couldn’t make sense of my life. i struggled to figure out my place in this world, especially when it seemed as though everything was inherently meaning and purposeless. it seemed as though i would left no imprint on the world even at my deathbed, and i questioned what it meant for me to be alive and to be me. i often wondered what would i do better if i had been given the chance to turn back time, how would the different choices i would’ve made with my existing knowledge change the trajectory of my life and if i would “suffer” less if i had any pre-existing idea of the consequences of my decisions.
i used to identify as a nihilist. i thought that there was no point in anything i do, that whatever bonds forged wouldn’t matter because they would someday cease to exist — a result of what i’ve been told over the years in an attempt to encourage me to embrace being alone as i was often outcasted), and that i mean nothing to anyone.
it sounded a tad depressing, i would admit. thankfully, things have changed for me now.
it started with watching everything everywhere all at once, a movie that i’m completely obsessed with.
while my friends were raving about the movie, i had completely missed the first screening due to procrastination and a disinterest. the movie synopsis hadn’t appealed to me back then, and silly me didn’t want to watch another multiverse film when spiderman: no way home already exists.
as chance would have it, the directors released an extended version of the movie and i knew i just had to watch it. i booked the tickets, and i went to watch the movie. alone.
i’m pretty sure no one would be surprised, but i must confess that i sobbed. the movie had evoked a multitude of emotions in me, and the tears were simply uncontrollable.
“if nothing matters, then all the pain and guilt you feel for making nothing of your life goes away.” says jobu tupaki.
“i saw my life… without you… i wish you could have seen it… it was beautiful.” says evelyn to her husband, waymond.
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“we’re all small and stupid.” says evelyn as a rock with googly eye.
it does feel that way. it was easier to think that nothing matters, that i don’t care, and that everything is pointless. when you care, you get disappointed. you start feeling terrible about what you’ve failed to accomplish. you start feeling incompetent and incapable and useless. i related to what she said very much.
evelyn’s words were so incredibly brutal. i don’t think she had meant it that way, to be honest. as someone viewing this from a third-person point of view, i understand where she was coming from and how that belief of hers shifted throughout the movie.
nevertheless, i could feel his hurt. i was in his shoes, except i was never directly told something like that — albeit, i’ve been told similar. i used to think that so many people would be happier without me (which i can see is a juxtaposition considering i also don’t think i matter that much in this world, but humans are complex after all), or that they would be happy even without me.
you know what? i choose to refute that belief of mine because i find it to be untrue. because, people do care. at least, the people who love you do. you may not always feel like it, but people do love you and your company!!!!
quoting meredith grey, “i can live without you, but i don’t want to.”
i feel like that is most people who love you. they can live without your existence, but they don’t want to.
the first time evelyn said we are all small and stupid, it didn’t mean anything. but, this is one of those things that you find yourself resonating with the more you reflect on it.
as much as i love my kpop idols, they mean something to us because us fans give them meaning. as much as they are celebrities, they are only so because of the people who love them. ultimately, they are people just like us. they have flaws and quirks and struggles.
we are all so small in the vastness of earth that we have yet to finish exploring, let alone anything beyond. we don’t even know if there are other universes, planets, and life forms. we are, for a lack of a better word, insignificant if you solely consider that. however, we are made to be important because of the people who love us.
whilst evelyn did use the word “stupid”, i choose to intepret it as “unaware”. i admittedly don’t know what any of what i am doing means. i don’t know why i am alive. i don’t know why i am who i am. but, that’s the thing. i doubt most people do.
we do not know anything, and there’s no shame in that. however, what i do know is that i am alive and that i don’t know anything. that i have so much to learn and that i have to just live each day. that i have no answer why i am here. that everything i do and each day i live will be its own little discovery. that even if i don’t have the answer, maybe that is the answer.
