It all started with an obsession. An obsession to see my bulging six months-like stomach reduce and look like it belonged to a 16 year old (yes, I’ll be 16 for as long as I want).
I saw this video talking about how water helps to flush out lots of unnecessary things in the stomach, and with no research at all, I took up the challenge to drink 4 litres of water daily. Water is good anyway. The two parts I didn’t like so much were having to get up to refill my 800ml water bottle and peeing 500 times in 30 minutes, but I did it anyway. A glass of warm water when I woke up in the morning, a glass of water before food, etc. I was so obsessed with my little routine that I didn’t need an alarm to remind me to gulp down bottles upon bottles of water.
Couple of weeks ago, my friend introduced me to Temu and I selected a 400oz cup alongside three other things. I was sooooooo happy when my cup arrived. Finally! I wouldn’t have to refill my NYSC camp 800ml bottle so frequently anymore.
The straw made drinking water so so easy. I loved straws. I am obsessed with drinking water. Do you see where I’m going?
Today wasn’t any different, either I was thirsty or not, I’d reach for my cup and drink. Peeing was no issue, I’d go to the toilet twice in 30 minutes and I didn’t mind.
Until today.
See, the thing is I had forgotten to regulate my drinking towards closing time. I was in a meeting for a little over 3 hours, the first thing I did immediately I was done was to be reunited with my love. This was 51 minutes to closing time, and I left 15 minutes to closing time so I could follow my route’s staff bus. I peed once in 30 minutes instead of twice. You see where I’m going? The moment my buttocks touched the leather seat, what did I feel? Hot urine. There was still a couple minute before everyone would settle down and I could have found a corner to ease myself but what did I do? I sat there because “I could hold it”. Biggest mistake! Considering where I was coming from and where I was going? Big mistake.
45 minutes later, I was in the bus with my mind racing 225km/h trying to figure out how to hold this pee further.
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I do this thing where I think about later, when my current issue has been solved and pacify myself that it’ll soon be sorted. The issue this time was later involved me heaving with relief because I had finally eased myself of the discomfort I had put myself in with my water gulping throat. The more I thought about easing myself finally at home, the more pressed I became. I decided to shift focus and distract myself but the urine said “I’m your karma (inserts evil laughter)”. There was no relief or distraction that worked.
Couple of minutes later, the bus stopped at my bus stop and I alighted. Now it was a war between my bladder and my legs, who would win? First, I had to climb 40+ steps in order to cross the road then descend another 40+ steps then magically turn my usual 7-10 minutes stroll to the house to 2 seconds. As I made long strides between the stairs, I wondered if this was how pregnant women felt when pressed. I had heard their bladder doesn’t have control.
I was minutes away from the house physically but in another realm, I was on the toilet seat heaving with relief. Thinking about relief just couldn’t leave my mind and it made matters worse. I was now dangerously close to peeing on myself at few minutes after 6 pm, it was still very bright.
“Sẹ if it was night, I’d have peed inside one of these gutters and walked home in peace”
I thought to myself as I kept walking briskly like a ghost was hot on my heels. Soon, my briskly walking wasn’t enough. I needed to run. Chai! Wetin go do my steeze? I kept brisk walking until it dawned on me that I’d actually pee myself in broad daylight.
Would you rather pee on yourself and lose every atom of steeze or run to not pee on yourself and fling steeze to whoever first thought of the word? Anybody who sees you running will not understand but will forget before they eat dinner tonight but won’t forget the girl wearing a carton coloured pant who peed herself in broad daylight.
About 4 minutes to the house, I gripped my bag and lunch bag properly and began to run as fast as my legs would allow. People stared as I ran but I didn’t care. Who cared about looking ridiculous when hot pee was threatening to find its way out and mingle with the air so as to announce the result of my obsession to all who had a nose.
Finally, I got inside. I made it. I pulled my trousers and pants, settled properly on the toilet seat and closed my eyes as relief washed over me so wonderfully I soon forgot all I had gone through in the last almost an hour.
Tomorrow, I’ll remember to regulate my water drinking an hour before closing time or I might do this dance again, for the thrill of it.
