Life doesn’t end at your lowest.
I have always believe that my life will end when I was at my lowest, but it didn’t. But I’m aware that something inside me died that day.
As I close my eyes, an echoing silence, that’s what I hear, not even the tick-tock of the clock could be heard. No birds even sing, a dark room where I once lived. They say that the monsters that live under your bed are the scariest creatures, so I never have once loved darkness. I am scared that once my mother turns off the lights, the monster of the night might come and swallow me whole.
Those scary monsters with big eyes, monstrous teeth and deepest claws.
I walk inside this cold black room, seeing a mirror that is as big as me, how come I’m seeing someone I do not know? How come I’m not the one who’s in front of me? I’m smiling yet the one I see is bleeding, hearts shattering, smiles fading. I flinched, seeing the version of me that I tried so hard to bury l, as deep as the sea.
I see a crying figure, a child wearing a white dress, she’s surrounded by some certificates, medals, and trophies. I sat beside her, “Are you okay?” I asked. She slowly looks at me, my heart aches, I can’t see the life in her eyes, I can’t see the innocence inside her beautiful brown eyes. It’s as if she has witnessed how cruel the world is, so I hugged her as tightly as I could. Whispering, “It’s okay.” And, “You are safe now.” She continues to cry, I leave a deep sigh, suddenly I can feel my ear ringing.
There’s someone that is screaming, it hurts. I can feel myself falling from this black space that I’ve been in.
“You are worthless.”
“You are not enough”
“They are all better than who you are.”
“They leave you once they use you.”
“You do not have any real friends, they are just here because they need you.”
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I ran faster as I covered my ears so that I could not hear. Tears falling in my cheeks, heart aching, words echoing, soul breaking. They are tearing me apart again.
As I let myself be eaten by my mind, I can hear the words, the panics, the screams, and I can see the things that I do not want to see anymore. As I walk farther, as I swim deeper, as I run faster, the only word that I can see is the word fear. Fear has eaten me and my mind, that is what’s on my mind. The fear that kills all the dreams, the innocence, and all the things that I think I can do but refuse to do.
I avoid darkness, I avoid quiet places, “What if someone go beside me and starts whispering things?” The reason why I hate being alone. “Being alone is lonely ‘’ I said, and then that night came, as fast as lightning, along with the confidence I built, gone. The once sunshine, becomes midnight rain. The rainbows and flowery fields become a battlefield.
“It doesn’t matter”, they said.
“What’s wrong with me? Why do I think too much? Why does it bother me?” and without any second thought, I was eaten by darkness, the one I was scared the most, the loneliness, the silence, and the black cold room.
The screams, it’s hurting me, like a salt in the wound. The echoing screams could be heard in that cold room, the coldness of the room made me feel lonely, I was alone, again.
I scoff, “Where are those so-called “friend” of mine?” I was drowning, so deep in my thoughts. They do not even know how dark my mind is, the attempts I keep in secret, the struggles I face alone, and the pain that I’ve never shown.
It’s scary, it’s suffocating, I can’t seem to get myself back. Then I realized, that no one can save me from my mind, that no one can save me from destruction, that no one can save me from the monsters. I leave a deep sigh, opening my eyes and seeing the light, they are not the monsters from the dark, they are the monsters from my mind.
Chuckles left my lips, I realized that I do not need saving, that I need to learn how to save myself from those monsters that I build. I need to be stronger than who I was before, I need to stop drowning in this amidst darkness. The moment that I grasp in that tiny little hope of mine, I learn to stand on my own feet, I learn to love myself more. I learnt that my mind is the most dangerous place that I hated the most. And those destructive thoughts also came from your mind, the scariest place that I’ve been to, and the dark place that I fought so hard to get out of.
So carefully consider what you feed your mind and soul.
Allow your positivity to drive you and propel you towards constructive action.
It’s all in the mind.
It didn’t kill me, but something inside me died that day.
