Me Trying To Stand Up Again
Mum used to say, that when we grow up, we will be distant, we will not go home often. Her words now becoming reality. Back then, I think that is absurd because I want to keep going home. Like what she taught us, family is everything. Now that I am 33, single after 7 years of relationship, I am so distant, not that I hate her but I am trying to stand on my own again, there is so many beliefs that I started to question myself, including those my mum taught us. It is not hard to think that she probably has a broken heart too, yes she does have the broken heart, but I think it is not the same like mine. I cannot fully understand hers and she is unable to truly empathize with mine.
Day by day, I am trying put ointment onto my wound, thinking of my mum at the back of my head, how she always says she has a miserable marriage with no choice to make, this piece of memory somehow intertwined with my current pain, like the same part of my heart got cut, it is relatable. I refuse to feel this as long as she does, I want to feel it now, acknowledge, sit down with this horrible feeling and talk it out, and also to tell it to butt off after this, to send it to the abyss of black hole.
I just don’t have the reason or courage to pick up the phone to call her. I don’t know what to talk about when I have so many complex feelings towards her, and I don’t think it is fair to just throw up all at her when she is most probably trying to survive too. When I am feeling these pain, disappointment, betrayal, anger, abandonment, jealousy, envy, hurt, shame, embarrassment, failure, mistake, self-punishment, torn, shocked. Some of them, I feel my mother. She must have gone through these too with my dad.
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I do make better money than my first job after university, since I have this desire to live in the west, I need to bank up some money for this, I feel guilty every day for not sending money home. I know my mum doesn’t make big bucks, I know she be glad that if we can send her some money but her pride doesn’t show that she needs them. As for now, I don’t call her like last time, and I don’t send money since CNY, I also feel that she is disappointed in me. And when I imagine how our call will be like, I always try to turn around the topic to avoid awkwardness, and suggest small talks, talking about daily stuffs like cooking recipe or the weather.
Other than my ex, myself, she is the other person that keeps coming back to this conversation of me and myself when healing from the break up. I guess I try to decode this family situation I had when I was little, and the person loved me fiercely was her, and I loved her too, I needed her, I leaned on her. After her, I was flying into the real world, but knowing she will have my back, and I wanted to find love, the boy meets girl kind of love. When I did, I loved hard! And now I am burnt hard. In the process of decoding, the person that I should have loved is myself, I thought I know myself, I used to label the things I love- as myself, and what the world or mum think I should be- as myself, what my ex loves- as myself. I am crumbled, I cannot stand because the people I have put my weight against, they are crumbled too, they have their own shit to take care of, they “left”. And here I am here, trying to stand up again.
Many trying to pick me up, some paces are too fast, some too rough, some just don’t know how. God is the best, he gives me just who and what I needed, How lucky I am to have J, to help me transcending, B, to help me to curse and understand, Brene Brown, to tell me that it is okay to be vulnerable, also S, a friend that approves my quirkiness. Through all these little things, God shows up again because He knows I am screaming in pain, asking for His help and mercy. While going through this journey of my wonderland, I hope I cast a few rocks down along the way, and feel lighter and lighter; as I walk long enough, I hope when I looked back which I have always did, I am content with whatever has happened, because those that happened I can be on this side, where I want to be, where You want me to be.
I am going to keep trying every day that I can to not betraying myself, love myself, say less awful thing about myself, learn to be more narcissistic for now and I think can be healthy for me. I have been shaming myself long enough. I let people’s standard forsakes my own belief, values, identity, so many times that they were trying to prove to themselves of their worth.
Choose respect, love and faith always~
