MONTGOMERY WARD
Verse 1
Why settle
for a neighborhood store…
when civilization
can be delivered?
Mail order.
The final word
in breeding.
The shortest distance
between envy
and your front porch.
Verse 2
Every page
dripping with refinement.
Imported this.
Hand-finished that.
Objects so distinguished…
they practically
introduced themselves.
Chorus
Montgomery Ward.
Where taste
required no passport.
Where elegance
fit inside a mailbox.
Why mingle
with ordinary merchandise…
when distinction
could arrive by freight?
Verse 3
Chocolate brown.
Naturally.
A whisper
of teal pinstriping…
the sort of detail
that suggested
you owned a summer estate…
whether you did
or not.
⧫❀⎯⎯⎯☆⎯⎯⎯☆⎯⎯⎯⧫❀⧫♡⧫❀⧫⎯⎯⎯☆⎯⎯⎯☆⎯⎯⎯❀⧫
⧫❀⎯⎯⎯☆⎯⎯⎯☆⎯⎯⎯⧫❀⧫♡⧫❀⧫⎯⎯⎯☆⎯⎯⎯☆⎯⎯⎯❀⧫
Orchestral Arrangement
The arrangement should treat mail order as the highest achievement of civilization: not quaint, not rustic, and not historically educational, but luxurious, socially aspirational, ceremonially important, and completely out of proportion to the brown towel being advertised. The orchestra must never wink at the audience. The comedy comes from hearing the full musical machinery of prestige, empire, Broadway, department-store seduction, and inherited wealth mobilized on behalf of a catalog order form.
Begin immediately with a four-bar Grand Catalogue Fanfare at approximately 116 BPM in four-four time. No long ambient opening. The first sound is a bright, perfectly synchronized attack from three trumpets, four French horns, tenor trombone, bass trombone, timpani, and suspended cymbal, followed by a descending flourish in the violins, piccolo, flute, and glockenspiel. Under that flourish, the harp sweeps upward while the low strings and tuba land on a grand tonic chord. It should sound as though a velvet curtain has just risen on the crown jewels — except the crown jewel is a mail-order catalog.
After the opening chord, drop quickly into a sly, elegant orchestral pulse. Upright bass plays a measured two-beat pattern: root on beat one, fifth on beat three, with occasional chromatic approaches. Cellos double selectively but remain lighter, using short bow strokes rather than sustained symphonic weight. Brushed snare keeps a gentle forward motion, bass drum marks only important structural points, and a closed hi-hat gives a restrained department-store sophistication. Pizzicato violas and second violins create a little “catalog page” rhythm: two short notes followed by a pause, repeated with slight variations. Bassoon and bass clarinet trade compact, self-important figures underneath.
The first verse — beginning with the challenge of settling for a neighborhood store — should be delivered by a confident male theatrical lead with immaculate diction, warmth, and total conviction. He is not parodying a salesman. He believes he is the appointed herald of civilization. The melody should begin in the comfortable middle register, shaped almost like persuasive speech but fully sung, with clear melodic arcs and no spoken-word performance.
Under:
Why settle
for a neighborhood store…
use a sparse accompaniment: upright bass, pizzicato cello, muted trumpet, clarinet, brushed snare, and a single harp harmonic at the end of the phrase. Leave a deliberate half-bar opening after “store” so the idea hangs in the air like an embarrassing social possibility.
For:
when civilization
can be delivered?
the harmony should suddenly expand. Violins shift from pizzicato to soft sustained bowing, French horns enter beneath the word “civilization,” and a small timpani swell leads into “delivered.” The word “delivered” should land on a warm, unexpectedly noble chord, perhaps with an added sixth or major ninth, making parcel delivery sound metaphysical.
Then:
Mail order.
Everything stops except a low pizzicato bass note, a delicate triangle strike, and one perfectly placed muted trumpet response. The phrase should be sung with enough space around it to function as doctrine.
For:
The final word
in breeding.
introduce a gently swaying dotted rhythm in clarinet and bassoon. The violins answer with a small ascending aristocratic flourish. A soft horn chord should bloom beneath “breeding,” as though heraldry has just been confirmed.
For:
The shortest distance
between envy
and your front porch.
the rhythm becomes more playful. Add xylophone, pizzicato violins, and soft woodblock, with the melody moving in small, efficient steps to embody “shortest distance.” On “envy,” the harmony briefly darkens with a sly diminished chord. On “front porch,” it resolves into a broad, satisfied cadence, with trombones quietly affirming the conclusion.
Between the first and second verses, include an eight-bar Mail-Order Interlude. The percussion and woodwinds imitate clerical efficiency without becoming cartoon music. Temple blocks suggest stamps being applied. A soft ratchet may appear once, subtly, like a warehouse mechanism. Xylophone and celesta trade a nimble figure while clarinets play a flowing line suggesting order forms moving through a grand bureaucratic apparatus. Violins execute light ascending runs, and the harp places short glissandi between phrases. Brass should provide tiny ceremonial responses, as though each completed order has received state approval.
The second verse must feel richer because the catalog has now opened.
Under:
Every page
dripping with refinement.
use a gentle, elegant sixteenth-note figure in harp and celesta, with divided violins sustaining luminous upper harmonies. A vibraphone with soft mallets may double selected notes, creating a polished showroom glow. The bass continues the measured two-beat pulse, but brushes open slightly on the snare to increase movement.
For:
Imported this.
Hand-finished that.
make the arrangement conversational. Muted trumpet answers “Imported this” with a tiny descending flourish. Oboe answers “Hand-finished that” with a delicate, superior little turn. Each phrase should receive its own miniature orchestral endorsement.
For:
Objects so distinguished…
pull back the rhythm. Let the strings sustain a poised chord while bassoon rises unexpectedly into its lyrical register. The lead vocal stretches the phrase just enough to build anticipation.
Then:
they practically
introduced themselves.
give the orchestra a beautifully absurd greeting gesture: clarinet, oboe, and muted trumpet play a polite ascending figure, followed by a small bowed flourish from the violins. A celesta note and triangle ping should punctuate “themselves.” This is one of the funniest lines, so the arrangement should support it without crushing it.
The first chorus should expand into full Broadway grandeur while preserving rhythmic elegance. Do not turn it into rock, gospel, or marching-band bombast. It should feel like a massive theatrical advertisement staged by people with unlimited money and questionable priorities.
On:
Montgomery Ward.
the full orchestra lands together. Open trumpets replace muted trumpets. French horns broaden the center. Trombones and tuba supply weight without blaring. Violins soar upward while viola and cello maintain an energetic inner pulse. Timpani rolls gently into the name, and suspended cymbal opens the sound.
A restrained mixed vocal ensemble enters behind the lead — not a choir, not a chant, but polished theatrical voices singing long, expensive-sounding harmonies. They may sustain “Montgomery Ward” beneath the lead or answer with elegant vowel harmonies.
For:
Where taste
required no passport.
the rhythm shifts into a graceful quasi-waltz feeling inside the four-four meter. The accompaniment can emphasize beats one, two-and, and four, producing a floating transatlantic sway without changing time signatures. Flute and oboe weave a delicate counterline above the vocal. Harp arpeggios suggest travel and luxury, while the bass remains firmly grounded.
At:
Where elegance
fit inside a mailbox.
the orchestra briefly reduces in scale. Celesta, pizzicato strings, clarinet, and soft vibraphone create something compact and jewel-like, musically “fitting” elegance into a smaller space. Then on “mailbox,” the full string section opens outward in a lush chord, making the object sound architecturally significant.
For:
Why mingle
with ordinary merchandise…
use a disdainful descending chromatic line in violas and bass clarinet. Muted trombone may provide a soft “wah” gesture, but it must remain refined rather than comic-vaudeville. The lead vocal should sound mildly scandalized by the concept of ordinary merchandise.
Then:
when distinction
could arrive by freight?
bring in the railway element. Low strings begin a gentle chugging ostinato — not literal train sound effects, but alternating eighth notes that suggest dignified forward motion. Snare brushes become more regular, bass drum lightly marks the first beat, and horns play broad moving chords. As the word “freight” arrives, trumpets and trombones deliver a glorious two-beat fanfare, followed by a harp sweep and cymbal bloom. The audience should feel that freight transportation has just been canonized.
After the chorus, introduce a Freight and Fulfillment Dance Break of approximately sixteen bars. Begin with low strings, bass clarinet, and bassoon playing the railway ostinato. Add snare played with soft sticks rather than brushes, but retain restraint. Woodwinds pass a quick motif from piccolo to flute to clarinet to bassoon, like an order moving from department to department. Violins enter with fast offbeat figures. Trumpets answer with clipped, ceremonial calls. The xylophone doubles selected accents, while the harp glissandos between tonal centers.
Halfway through the break, modulate upward by a whole step or major third to give the impression that the shipment has cleared another stage of social advancement. The ensemble voices may enter wordlessly on crisp, sustained harmonies, but avoid chanting. Their sound should resemble a polished Broadway company standing beneath an enormous gilded company seal.
The third verse should begin with a sudden reduction. Return to the lead voice accompanied by harp, celesta, solo clarinet, soft upright bass, and tremolo violins.
For:
Chocolate brown.
place a low, warm chord in cellos, bass clarinet, French horns, and contrabass. The tone should become almost sensuous, as if describing rare mahogany or aged cognac.
Then:
Naturally.
add only one tiny ascending violin slide, a harp harmonic, and a soft breath from the ensemble. The word must land with serene certainty. There was never another possible color.
For:
A whisper
of teal pinstriping…
use a fine, narrow orchestral texture: solo flute and muted violin playing in close harmony, with delicate celesta notes tracing the rhythm. The orchestration itself should feel like a pinstripe — thin, precise, tasteful, and faintly superior.
On:
the sort of detail
that suggested
you owned a summer estate…
allow the arrangement to grow increasingly romantic. Harp arpeggios widen. Violins move into lush legato. French horns enter with long, pastoral chords. Oboe plays a lyrical countermelody that evokes lawns, terraces, distant water, and servants who are never mentioned. The rhythm temporarily relaxes, giving the vocal room to luxuriate in the fantasy.
Then, after a deliberate pause:
whether you did
or not.
collapse the pastoral fantasy into a dry, tidy cadence led by pizzicato strings, bassoon, and a single muted trumpet note. The humor depends on the orchestra instantly returning from aristocratic grandeur to practical catalog deception.
A bridge should now elevate mail order beyond commerce and into social transformation. The tempo may pull back slightly — perhaps from 116 BPM to the felt equivalent of 104 without changing the click — through longer note values and broader phrasing.
The bridge arrangement begins with sustained low strings, harp, celesta, and solo horn. The lead sings with intimate sincerity, as though revealing a sacred secret:
No passport.
No steamship.
No introductions.
Each “No” receives a different color:
“Passport” with solo clarinet and a muted horn chord.
“Steamship” with low strings rising like ocean swells.
“Introductions” with a polite oboe flourish that is cut short.
Then:
Just impeccable handwriting
on the order form.
the music becomes absurdly tender. Solo violin plays a glowing line. Harp and celesta sparkle beneath it. The ensemble enters in hushed harmony, treating penmanship like inherited nobility. A gentle snare brush traces the rhythm of writing across paper.
Next:
Social position…
now available
by parcel post.
The first phrase should sit over an unresolved, expensive chord. On “now available,” the orchestra begins rising. On “parcel post,” the full brass section enters with a majestic proclamation, timpani rolls, tubular bells strike, and the ensemble expands into a huge harmonic crown. This may be the central musical joke of the song.
Follow with an Order Form Fugato, theatrical rather than academic. Clarinet begins a nimble motif. Bassoon answers. Viola enters. Then flute, second violin, and muted trumpet join. Each instrumental entrance represents another department processing the order. The counterpoint grows increasingly elaborate while the rhythm section maintains a clean two-beat pulse. Harp adds interlocking figures. Xylophone doubles the motif in brief flashes. Brass gradually converts the fugal material into a triumphal march.
This leads into the final chorus, now faster in feeling and larger in orchestration. Keep the actual tempo stable or increase only slightly to around 120 BPM, but intensify through subdivision. The drums move from brushes to light sticks. Snare uses crisp Broadway backbeats on selected measures, not throughout. Bass drum and timpani emphasize structural peaks. Tambourine may enter quietly to add brilliance. Cymbal crashes must be reserved for the largest phrases.
The final:
Montgomery Ward.
should be held longer than before, with the lead rising above the company. The ensemble harmonizes beneath him. Trumpets fan outward. French horns answer. Trombones descend magnificently. Strings run upward into the next phrase.
Repeat the chorus with new orchestral counterlines rather than merely louder dynamics. First violins play a soaring secondary melody. Flutes and piccolo ornament the top. Clarinet and oboe answer fragments of the vocal. Cellos sing a broad countermelody beneath. Harp sweeps connect harmonic changes. Glockenspiel and celesta add flashes at every mention of elegance, distinction, taste, or mail.
At:
when distinction
could arrive by freight?
extend “freight” into a full theatrical cadence, then immediately launch into a key change. Raise the song by a whole step. Use a rolling timpani transition, rising brass sequence, string glissando, harp sweep, and ensemble breath into the new key.
Now introduce a final refrain built from the strongest ideas:
No passport.
No steamship.
No introductions required.
Each line grows larger.
First line: strings and woodwinds.
Second line: horns and trombones join.
Third line: full brass, tubular bells, timpani, cymbals, and full ensemble.
Then strip everything away except pizzicato bass, celesta, and the lead for:
Just impeccable handwriting…
Pause.
The orchestra inhales.
on the order form.
Massive final re-entry.
The coda should become gloriously excessive. The orchestra reprises fragments from every section:
The opening fanfare in the trumpets.
The catalog-page pizzicato motif in strings.
The railway pulse in low strings and snare.
The aristocratic summer-estate melody in horns and oboe.
The order-form fugue in clarinets and violins.
Layer them carefully so the ending feels constructed rather than noisy.
The ensemble may sing a broad final declaration:
Montgomery Ward —
where civilization
comes addressed to you.
Then the lead delivers the final catalog claim fully sung, not spoken:
Available by mail.
Hold “mail” over a suspended dominant chord. Let the orchestra wait just long enough to create expectation. Then resolve with three enormous final hits:
First hit: full orchestra and timpani.
Second hit: brass, strings, cymbal, and tubular bell.
Third hit: everything, including harp sweep and glockenspiel at the octave.
After the final chord, leave one tiny celesta note alone, followed by the soft sound of a page turning — or, if literal sound effects are undesirable, a dry pizzicato violin and closed hi-hat together to suggest it musically.
The complete arrangement should progress through these emotional states:
Ceremonial unveiling → persuasive refinement → mail-order seduction → freight-powered grandeur → intimate fabric worship → social elevation → bureaucratic apotheosis → full Broadway coronation.
Nothing should feel rustic, sentimental, folksy, or historically reverent. No old-time banjo, saloon piano, barbershop quartet, ragtime caricature, or dusty Americana. This is not nostalgia for Montgomery Ward. It is Montgomery Ward imagining itself as Versailles with a postal department.
⧫❀⎯⎯⎯☆⎯⎯⎯☆⎯⎯⎯⧫❀⧫♡⧫❀⧫⎯⎯⎯☆⎯⎯⎯☆⎯⎯⎯❀⧫
⧫❀⎯⎯⎯☆⎯⎯⎯☆⎯⎯⎯⧫❀⧫♡⧫❀⧫⎯⎯⎯☆⎯⎯⎯☆⎯⎯⎯❀⧫
MONTGOMERY WARD — Working Music Score
This is how I hear the song as an actual Broadway orchestral number, not merely a description of the arrangement. It begins in B-flat major, moves through richer secondary keys, briefly romanticizes the towel in E-flat major, and finishes in C major after a shameless final key change.
Tempo: 116 BPM
Meter: Four-four
Character: Grandly persuasive, elegant, rhythmically buoyant
Lead voice: High baritone or low tenor
Approximate range: B-flat two to G four, rising to A four in the finale
Form: Fanfare — Verse One — Interlude — Verse Two — Chorus — Freight Dance — Verse Three — Bridge — Order-Form Fugato — Final Chorus — Coda
Principal musical ideas
The Montgomery Ward motif
This announces the company name throughout the song.
Scale degrees in B-flat major:
Five — one — three — five | six — five — three — two | one
Concert pitches:
F — B♭ — D — F | G — F — D — C | B♭
Rhythm:
Quarter — quarter — quarter — quarter | dotted quarter — eighth — quarter — quarter | whole note
The leap from F to B-flat gives the name immediate authority. The descent afterward makes it sound settled, reputable, and unavoidable.
The mail-order motif
A nimble little clerical figure passed among the woodwinds:
B♭ — D — C — E♭ | D — F — E♭ — C
All eighth notes, slightly detached.
It suggests stamps, order forms, filing cabinets, parcels, and an enormous administrative machine quietly delivering civilization.
The freight motif
Low strings and bassoons:
B♭ — F — B♭ — D | E♭ — B♭ — F — F
Steady eighth notes with accents on beats one and three:
ONE-and-two-and-THREE-and-four-and
It should suggest railway movement without becoming a cartoon locomotive.
The elegance motif
Used for the teal pinstripe and summer estate:
D — F — A♭ — G | F — E♭ — D — C
Longer values, mostly quarters and half notes, with harp arpeggios underneath.
Orchestral score
Bars 1–4: Grand Catalogue Fanfare
Key: B-flat major
Harmony
BarChord1B♭ major2E♭ major over B♭3F seven4B♭ major
Trumpets and horns
Bar 1: F — B♭ — D — F
Four powerful quarter notes.
Bar 2: G — F — E♭ — D
Descending quarters.
Bar 3: C — E♭ — F — A
Eighth, eighth, quarter, half.
Bar 4: B♭ held for the full measure.
Violins and woodwinds
Fast ascending flourish:
B♭ — C — D — E♭ — F — G — A — B♭
Sixteenth notes, followed by a descending turn:
A — G — F — E♭ — D — C — B♭
Low orchestra
Tuba, bass trombone, cellos, basses and timpani land on:
B♭ — E♭ — F — B♭
One sustained root per bar.
Percussion
Bar one: timpani strike and suspended-cymbal swell.
Bar two: snare flourish.
Bar three: timpani roll beneath the dominant.
Bar four: full cymbal bloom, followed immediately by a sharp dynamic reduction.
Bars 5–8: The catalogue opens
The orchestra drops from fortissimo to mezzo piano.
Bass
Two-beat pattern:
B♭ — F | B♭ — F
Quarter note on beat one, light passing note on beat two-and, fifth on beat three.
Pizzicato strings
B♭ — D — rest — F | E♭ — G — rest — F
Short quarter notes, graceful rather than comic.
Clarinet and bassoon
Clarinet plays the mail-order motif. Bassoon answers one octave lower.
Drums
Brush sweep on beat one.
Soft tap on beats two and four.
Closed hi-hat lightly marks eighth notes.
Verse One
Bars 9–12
Lyric
Why settle
for a neighborhood store…
Chords
BarChord9B♭ major six10G minor seven11C minor seven12F seven suspended to F seven
Vocal melody
“Why set-tle”
D — F — E♭
Quarter — quarter — half.
“for a neigh-bor-hood store”
D — C — B♭ — C — D — F
Quarter — eighth — eighth — quarter — quarter — half.
The word “store” holds over the F suspended chord, followed by half a measure of silence.
Orchestration
Muted trumpet answers with:
F — E♭ — D
Clarinet sustains C beneath the vocal. Harp places one low B-flat and one high harmonic after “store.”
Bars 13–16
Lyric
when civilization
can be delivered?
Chords
BarChord13E♭ major14E♭ minor six15B♭ over F16F seven
Vocal melody
“when civ-i-li-za-tion”
G — G — F — E♭ — F — G — B♭
Eighth notes rising into a dotted half on B-flat.
“can be de-liv-ered?”
A — G — F — D — C
Quarter — quarter — quarter — eighth — dotted quarter.
“Delivered” should descend with complete confidence, not excitement.
Orchestration
French horns enter beneath “civilization” on:
E♭ — G — B♭
Violins change from pizzicato to legato. Timpani rolls softly from B-flat toward F.
Bars 17–18
Lyric
Mail order.
Everything stops.
Harmony
B♭ major added six
Vocal
F — B♭
Quarter note followed by a dotted half.
Accompaniment
Low pizzicato B-flat.
Triangle strike on beat three.
Muted trumpet quietly echoes:
D — C — B♭
Bars 19–22
Lyric
The final word
in breeding.
Chords
G minor | C seven | C minor seven | F seven
Vocal
“The fi-nal word”
D — E♭ — F — G — F
“in breed-ing”
E♭ — D — C — B♭
The word “breeding” receives a warm horn chord that treats the claim as scientifically settled.
Bars 23–28
Lyric
The shortest distance
between envy
and your front porch.
Chords
BarsChord23–24B♭ major25D diminished seven26E♭ major27C minor seven28F seven to B♭
Vocal
“The short-est dis-tance”
F — F — G — F — D — B♭
Compact eighth-note movement.
“be-tween en-vy”
D — E♭ — F — F♯ — G
The F-sharp over the diminished chord gives “envy” a sly flash.
“and your front porch”
F — E♭ — D — C — B♭
Broad quarter notes, landing comfortably at home.
Orchestral button
Trombones softly play:
F — E♭ — D — B♭
Xylophone doubles the last three notes.
Bars 29–36: Mail-Order Interlude
The woodwinds pass the mail-order motif around.
Bar 29: Clarinet
B♭ — D — C — E♭ | D — F — E♭ — C
Bar 30: Oboe
Same motif beginning on E-flat.
Bar 31: Flute
Sequence beginning on F.
Bar 32: Bassoon
Original motif one octave below.
Bars 33–34
Violins take the motif in sixteenth notes while harp alternates:
B♭ major arpeggio | E♭ major arpeggio
Bars 35–36
Small brass fanfare:
F — B♭ — D | C — F — A | B♭
Temple blocks give three gentle clerical knocks. A ratchet turns once at the end of bar 35.
Verse Two
Bars 37–40
Lyric
Every page
dripping with refinement.
Chords
B♭ major nine | D minor seven | E♭ major seven | F seven
Vocal
“Ev-ery page”
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D — F — G — F
“drip-ping with re-fine-ment”
E♭ — F — G — A — B♭ — A — G — F
Smooth eighth notes, ending on a long F.
Texture
Harp and celesta play interlocking sixteenth-note arpeggios. Vibraphone sustains chord tones without vibrato until the final word, when the motor gently begins.
Bars 41–44
Lyric
Imported this.
Hand-finished that.
Harmony
G minor | D seven | E♭ major | F seven
Vocal
“Im-port-ed this”
D — F — G — A — G
Muted trumpet reply:
B♭ — A — G
“Hand-fin-ished that”
E♭ — G — F — E♭ — D
Oboe reply:
F — G — E♭
The phrases should be delivered like two indisputable entries in a ledger.
Bars 45–50
Lyric
Objects so distinguished…
they practically
introduced themselves.
Chords
C minor nine | F seven | B♭ major | G seven | C minor seven | F seven
Vocal
“Ob-jects so dis-tin-guished”
G — G — F — E♭ — D — F — G
Stretch “distinguished” across bars 45–46.
“they prac-ti-cal-ly”
F — E♭ — D — C — D — E♭
“in-tro-duced them-selves”
F — G — A — B♭ — A — G — F
Orchestral greeting
After “themselves,” oboe, clarinet and muted trumpet play:
D — F — G — B♭
Like a polite bow.
Triangle and celesta strike together on the final B-flat.
First Chorus
Bars 51–54
Lyric
Montgomery Ward.
Harmony
B♭ major | E♭ major | F seven | B♭ major
Vocal motif
F — B♭ — D — F | G — F — D — C | B♭
The full orchestra joins.
The ensemble sustains:
B♭ — D — F
beneath the lead, then moves to E-flat and F before returning.
Bars 55–60
Lyric
Where taste
required no passport.
Chords
E♭ major | F over E♭ | D minor seven | G seven | C minor seven | F seven
Rhythmic variation
The accompaniment shifts into a four-four waltz illusion:
- Bass on beat one.
- Harp chord on beat two-and.
- Violins on beat four.
- Brushes sweep lightly across beats two through four.
Vocal
“Where taste”
G — B♭
“re-quired no pass-port”
A — G — F — E♭ — D — C
The melody drifts downward with luxurious ease.
Bars 61–66
Lyric
Where elegance
fit inside a mailbox.
Chords
B♭ major over D | E♭ major seven | C minor seven | F seven | B♭ major | F seven
Vocal
“Where el-e-gance”
F — G — A — B♭ — A
“fit in-side a mail-box”
G — F — E♭ — D — C — B♭
Celesta doubles the melody one octave above for “fit inside.” The orchestra expands on “mailbox.”
Bars 67–74
Lyric
Why mingle
with ordinary merchandise…
when distinction
could arrive by freight?
Harmony
G minor | D seven | E♭ major | E diminished | B♭ over F | F seven | B♭ | F seven
Vocal
“Why min-gle”
D — E♭ — F
“with or-di-nar-y mer-chan-dise”
G — F — E♭ — D — C — D — E♭ — C
The line descends chromatically around “ordinary.”
“when dis-tinc-tion”
D — F — G — A
“could ar-rive by freight”
B♭ — A — G — F — B♭
The final B-flat is sustained while brass fanfares underneath.
Freight entrance
Cellos and basses begin:
B♭ — F — B♭ — D | E♭ — B♭ — F — F
Repeated in eighth notes.
Bars 75–90: Freight and Fulfillment Dance
First eight bars
Low-string freight motif continues.
Snare moves from brushes to light sticks:
Beat one: rim tap
Beat two: light snare
Beat three: rim tap
Beat four: light snare
Bass drum gently reinforces beats one and three.
Woodwinds sequence the mail-order motif upward through:
B-flat major → C minor → D minor → E-flat major
Bars 83–86
Trumpets play clipped calls:
B♭ — D — F | E♭ — G — B♭ | F — A — C
Violins answer in offbeat eighth notes.
Bars 87–90
Harmonic lift toward E-flat major:
C minor | F seven | B♭ | B♭ seven
A rolling timpani transition carries the orchestra into the new key.
Verse Three: The towel revealed
Bars 91–92
New key: E-flat major
Lyric
Chocolate brown.
Chord
E♭ major six
Vocal
B♭ — E♭ — G — F — E♭
Low and warm.
Orchestration
Cellos, bass clarinet and horns sustain E-flat major. Harp rolls slowly from E-flat upward.
Bar 93
Lyric
Naturally.
Chord
A♭ major over E♭
Vocal
G — F — E♭
The first two syllables are eighth notes; the final E-flat lasts three beats.
A solo violin slides gently from D to E-flat. One harp harmonic follows.
Bars 94–98
Lyric
A whisper
of teal pinstriping…
Harmony
E♭ major seven | G minor seven | A♭ major seven | B♭ suspended | B♭ seven
Vocal
“A whis-per”
G — A♭ — B♭
“of teal pin-strip-ing”
C — B♭ — A♭ — G — F — E♭
Solo flute and muted violin double in close thirds. Celesta places light eighth notes between the sung syllables.
Bars 99–106
Lyric
the sort of detail
that suggested
you owned a summer estate…
Chords
A♭ major | E♭ over G | F minor seven | B♭ seven | G minor seven | C seven | F minor | B♭ seven
Vocal
“the sort of de-tail”
A♭ — B♭ — C — B♭ — G
“that sug-gest-ed”
F — G — A♭ — B♭ — C
“you owned a sum-mer es-tate”
B♭ — A♭ — G — F — G — A♭ — B♭ — E♭
The final E-flat rises dramatically and holds.
French horns introduce the elegance motif. The oboe plays a secondary pastoral line. Harp arpeggios widen across four octaves.
Bars 107–110
Lyric
whether you did
or not.
Harmony
A♭ minor six | E♭ over B♭ | B♭ seven | E♭
Vocal
“wheth-er you did”
G♭ — F — E♭ — D
“or not”
F — E♭
The harmonic drop to A-flat minor punctures the fantasy. Bassoon, pizzicato strings and muted trumpet close the phrase dryly.
Bridge
Bars 111–118
The pulse broadens while remaining at the same tempo.
Lyric
No passport.
No steamship.
No introductions.
Harmony
C minor | A♭ major | E♭ over B♭ | B♭ seven | C minor | F minor | A♭ | B♭
Vocal
“No pass-port”
G — E♭ — D
“No steam-ship”
A♭ — G — F
“No in-tro-duc-tions”
B♭ — A♭ — G — F — E♭
Each phrase becomes lower and more confidential.
Solo clarinet answers “passport.”
Low strings swell after “steamship.”
Oboe begins a formal flourish after “introductions,” but the orchestra cuts it off.
Bars 119–124
Lyric
Just impeccable handwriting
on the order form.
Harmony
F minor nine | A♭ major | E♭ over G | C minor seven | F minor seven | B♭ seven
Vocal
“Just im-pec-ca-ble hand-writ-ing”
A♭ — B♭ — C — E♭ — D — C — B♭ — A♭ — G
“on the or-der form”
F — G — A♭ — B♭ — E♭
Solo violin doubles the final phrase. Harp plays slow triplets while the snare brush makes a faint writing motion.
Bars 125–130
Lyric
Social position…
now available
by parcel post.
Harmony
C minor | G seven | C minor | A♭ major | B♭ seven | E♭
Vocal
“So-cial po-si-tion”
G — A♭ — B♭ — C — D — E♭
“now a-vail-a-ble”
D — C — B♭ — A♭ — B♭
“by par-cel post”
C — D — E♭ — B♭ — E♭
On “parcel post,” the full brass enters, timpani rolls and tubular bells strike E-flat and B-flat.
Bars 131–146: Order-Form Fugato
The mail-order motif becomes a theatrical fugue.
Entry order
Bar 131: Clarinet in E-flat
Bar 133: Bassoon beginning on B-flat
Bar 135: Viola beginning on C
Bar 137: Flute beginning on G
Bar 139: Second violins beginning on E-flat
Bar 141: Muted trumpet beginning on B-flat
Bass pattern
E♭ — B♭ — C — G | A♭ — E♭ — F — B♭
Quarter notes.
Harmonic progression
E♭ | C minor | F minor | B♭ seven | G minor | C seven | F minor | B♭ seven
By bar 143, trombones convert the motif into broad half notes. Snare and low strings restore the freight rhythm. The final two bars rise chromatically into the original B-flat chorus key.
Final Chorus
Bars 147–170
Return to B-flat major, but brighter and more rhythmically active.
The melody remains recognizable, while the orchestra adds countermelodies.
First violins
Play the elegance motif above the chorus.
Flutes and piccolo
Decorate the spaces between phrases with fragments of the mail-order motif.
Cellos
Sing a broad line:
B♭ — D — E♭ — F | G — F — E♭ — D
Brass
French horns sustain inner harmony. Trumpets mark “Montgomery Ward” and “freight.” Trombones respond at the ends of phrases rather than doubling continuously.
Final key change
Bars 171–172
The final B-flat chorus cadence refuses to resolve normally.
Chords
B♭ | G seven
Timpani rolls from B-flat to G. Violins rise:
B♭ — C — D — E♭ — E — F — F♯ — G
Harp glissando lands on C major.
Final refrain in C major
Bars 173–184
Lyric
No passport.
No steamship.
No introductions required.
Chords
C major | A minor | F major | G seven | C major | E minor | F major | G seven
Melody
“No pass-port”
G — C — E
“No steam-ship”
A — G — E
“No in-tro-duc-tions re-quired”
F — G — A — B — C — B — A — G — C
The final C rises triumphantly.
Orchestral growth
“Passport”: strings and woodwinds.
“Steamship”: horns and trombones join.
“Introductions required”: full brass, timpani, cymbals, tubular bells and ensemble.
Bars 185–188
Everything suddenly drops out.
Lyric
Just impeccable handwriting…
Harmony
A minor seven | D minor seven
Vocal
E — G — A — G — F — E — D
Pizzicato bass and celesta only.
One full beat of silence.
Bars 189–192
Lyric
on the order form.
Harmony
G suspended | G seven | C major
Vocal
D — E — F — G — C
The entire orchestra returns on the final C.
Coda
Bars 193–204
The themes layer together:
- Trumpets: Montgomery Ward motif.
- Clarinet and violins: mail-order motif.
- Cellos and basses: freight motif.
- Horns and oboe: elegance motif.
- Ensemble: sustained C-major harmony.
Final company line
Montgomery Ward —
where civilization
comes addressed to you.
Melody
“Mont-gom-er-y Ward”
G — C — E — G | A — G — E — D | C
“where civ-i-li-za-tion”
E — F — G — A — G — F — E
“comes ad-dressed to you”
D — E — F — G — C
Final declaration
Bars 205–208
Lyric
Available by mail.
Harmony
F major | G seven suspended | G seven | C major
Vocal
“A-vail-a-ble”
A — G — F — E — D
“by mail”
G — C
Hold the final C for two full measures.
Under the held note, the orchestra plays three final attacks:
First hit: C major with added sixth.
Second hit: G seven with C in the upper brass.
Third hit: Full C major in every section.
Tubular bells strike C and G. Harp sweeps upward. Glockenspiel lands on the highest C.
After the orchestra cuts off, one isolated celesta note plays:
C
Then one dry pizzicato violin note suggests the closing of the catalog.
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