Adulting 101: My steps to Own the h*ll of my life
Day 1: Untangling Unfinished feelings
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Here I am in old beautiful dusty pink building in Massagno, enjoying simple night breeze coming through the balcony door. I am sitting in my bed untangling my life, the root of all my problems needed to be sorted specially in my heavy heart.
When I was thirteen, I had a crush on my sisters best friend. He was, I had such a crush on him no “boy” would cross my mind, occasionally some celebrities, but in my mind, he was always the one that no “boy” would cross my mind. Sometimes some stars, but in my mind, he was still the one.
In my imagination or maybe even in heart he was more than a crush, he was my greatest listener, protector, boyfriend, and whatever it was he was my soul mate. This was all in my head, I’d imagine him holding my hands, perhaps kissing me on my forehead, imagine talking to him all night long. He was as far as my romance could get. I always thought when he comes back from college he will fall in love with me.
But, life had different plans, only thing came to me from college was not my young handsome lover but a phone call from my sister. And in a matter of second all my plans vanished into fine dust, with my lover. I was not his lover at all, but he was mine. I didn’t react much since he was my secret crush and me sobbing will look a bit strange, no one taught me that I needed to heal in some way or another nor that it will always be a crack in my heart. I got a fear of loosing, loosing in love, giving chances to new things; every-time when a book, trip, anything good finishes I would cry and be a little broken.
Recently I was reading I eat pray and love, there Liz invites his husband while meditating to wrap up the feeling. And in my room under the night sky I closed my eyes to bid farewell to my story, hoping to invite him by my subconsciousness, or by the universe whatever it is, and I just closed my eyes. I felt him coming, maybe invited by my subconsciousness, or by the universe whatever it is.
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Here he was my beautiful boy, I forgot his face long ago ( pre-facebook life struggles), but some weird way I could see his face so clearly his plump lips and a bit thin eyes, strong eyebrows that are bold, and the blue t-shirt like a clear blue sky he was wearing last time when I saw him. I told him that I liked him; he quietly smiled, but something was so tense inside my chest. He looked so young, and of course, he was so young when he left this world, younger than me. I suddenly felt old. He was still smiling softly while I t,ouch his face. He didn’t have any feelings for me; he was not there to remind of himself or his love; he was merely there listening to my confession. I asked him what his dream was, and he answered architecture. I asked him if he regrets leaving so young, he says not at all. He hugged me, and I hugged him; he went with the flow. I felt his tall warm energy. And suddenly to my surprise, my mouth started to mumble the most unexpected words, I said, but I loved you, and keep saying it. I always thought that I liked him, and him being my first intense crush up until now the feeling followed me. But, guess I was cheating myself, with my simple confession while hugging me gently smiling he left me. Actually, not current me that he hugged but the thirteen-year-old Ruby.
I opened my eyes, he was gone, my sweet boy. I still can’t believe that I saw his face so clearly, his energy and warmth, even talked to him. I don’t care if the god, or some magic, or reality, or my imagination; but I felt him. And the moment that I said I loved him all the tension in my chest that felt like heavy metal chain just shattered away.
My love is really gone.
My sobbing eyes knew that, as well as my heart was already healing.
Thank you D for all that you have been, your presence was so enough for me to love you and remember you.
I love you. I love you. I love you, simple words, but guess that is really what I waited to tell you for so long. But, you were gone, and it took me years to invite your imaginary presence and confess these words to you. They say things we say in farewell are not for deceased but for the living.
With this I untangled the deepest cut in my living experience. With a bandaid on let me untangle all the unresolved so my heart will be lighter, and I can build a life that is mine. Not in the past, but in presence for the future.
Perhaps, opening up to yourself is one of the greatest, but the most challenging thing in life. I just started opening up to myself, step by step, owning each and everything; hopefully, one day the reflection in the mirror indeed be mine.
Yours,
Ruby Lee
