Trust Fall

One

Location- Carson city, Nevada inside the institution

Ashton

342 days. I’ve been here for 342 days, or 8208 hours, or 29,548,800 seconds. No matter how I translate it, it never changes. I think this is an insane asylum, or maybe I’ve actually gone crazy and started to hear screams. I’m alone, I’ve always been alone. In this tiny room, it’s actually a concrete box. I’ve counted 7 1/2 feet on each side and 8 feet up. A small cot on the left of this room and a small 6-inch window in the center near the ceiling and of course a prison-grade toilet. They think I’m crazy, they always have. Maybe I am, maybe I’m not, but for whatever reason, they put me in here. They won’t ever let me out. Ashton, I think that’s my name, or it used to be. Ashton Smith, the government took me though, my name has gotten lost over the months. Months, it’s crazy to think that I’ve stared at these walls for months. I’ve memorized each crevice and crack in the concrete walls of the place I’ve grown to call home.

Every bolt in the floor, the exact size of everything. Except for me. I have no recollection of what I look like. I just know I’m not short and push-ups have gotten easy. Summer has passed, I only know this because this room is not air conditioned and I couldn’t get cool. I’ve begun to watch the snow fall, it’s early November and we seem to have gotten a few inches of snow. I remember the last time I saw snow, it was right before they came in and took me. It was New Year’s Eve and I watched my younger sister catch snowflakes. It had gotten dark out so quickly, I almost didn’t figure it out. The black vans down the street, the strange men walking along the sidewalk. It was all so subtle. I don’t know what they told my parents, but somehow it’s okay that the government dragged me away. It was January first around 5 am, they had knocked on my front door rather than breaking it down. They spoke to my parents and the next thing I knew I was dragged out the door. They must have wanted it to be an overall peaceful thing. They brought me here, this place, the outside looks like a government complex. It’s tall and pretty, it looks like a lot of money was put into it. There are windows all over and it has to be at least ten stories high. I’m not into anything nice though. Just a small concrete room.

Once a week two guards come to get me, they drag me down a hallway lined with doors just like mine and throw me in a shower room. I’m given two minutes, a bar of soap, and a towel as well as a fresh pair of clothes. Normally it’s a simple pair of gray sweatpants, a T-shirt, socks, underwear, and a sweatshirt. Never shoes. Once every three months they cut my hair. Im pulled out of this room and sat in a chair. Where my barber whom I’ve come to refer to as ¨bob¨ cuts my hair. I have a military cut, I always have. Short on the sides, and a little bit longer on the top. I never got to choose and I never got to speak. My guards are always the same. They refer to me as 007 (Double O Seven). I’m prohibited from talking to anyone or anything. I whisper to the walls from time to time. I ask questions that shouldn’t be asked, at least never out loud. I have no idea why they put me here. I don’t know why I’m fed the bare minimum for my survival, I don’t know why they tortured me the first 93 days I was here. They didn’t dress my wounds, they didn’t give me meat or good fruits. I’m treated like I’m insane. I’m given no books, no entertainment, and no roommate.

My family watched me get dragged out of my home. I was sixteen, they dragged me through the snow. I still remember the look in my sister’s eyes. I still remember her words, they stuck to me like glue;¨where are you going, Ash?”

Where was I going? What was I doing? I remember crying, I cried for days. How weak I was. Why do I say ¨was¨? Why do I think ¨was¨? I say it as if I’m no longer weak. as if I no longer cry. I’ll never forget how calm my parents were as I was dragged away. The guards told me not to resist. They woke me up out of a dead sleep and said “don’t resist” then dragged me out of my home. I won’t ever forget my little sister’s screams.

Will I ever see her again? Will I ever see anyone outside again?

Out, I think about that a lot. If I could get out, where would I go? I don’t know where my home is. Do I even have a home? When I was younger I was tested to see my IQ and I broke the test. They couldn’t figure out what my IQ was. I wish every day for a better life, I think about my sister. I count I count I count I count. I tell myself I’m not insane, I’m not insane, I’m not insane. What if I am insane? I count and I count and I count I can’t I won’t I will i will I cant i cant. Words are hard, I wonder how my sisters are doing. Did my parents just betray me? Maybe they sold me to the government? They could have? No, they’re good people they would never be. What if they did? I’m too repetitive but I can’t help it. Words aren’t peaceful, there aren’t enough words to describe how I feel. I feel… broken, hurt , maybe scarred spaced out. No no no no I can’t do this, I can’t fall into myself. math, numbers, that’s it. I like them because I can make sense of them, unlike the reason I’m here. I don’t actually know why I’m here, I´d very much like to though, maybe not. Maybe my parents didn’t want me, maybe they never loved me. I can’t I can’t I will I will I won’t I’m not crazy I can’t be crazy. One two three four five six seven eight nine There are 86400 seconds in a day 8760 hours in a year. How long have I been here? Right, 342 days, 365 and ¼ in a year I’ve been here for 11 months. I remember it’s November, that must be why I’m so cold. It’s freezing, maybe 33 degrees, Fahrenheit of course. Maybe they’ll give me another blanket or a better bed? No, I haven’t seen anyone in a long time. I sit on the ground. I always sit on the ground. The cold hard ground. The bed isn’t much better, it’s thin and the springs hurt more than the concrete I sit on now.

If a man cannot socialize

he is bound to lose his mind,

if a man cannot write

he will lose his sight,

if he cannot speak

he will always squeak.

What if I lose my mind? Or run out of time?

• from Ashton’s notes

I remember they gave me a notepad when I came in here. They dragged me kicking and screaming into this cell. Then they threw some clothes and a notepad, a pencil I think. I don’t like this kind. It’s bright yellow and wooden, I liked the mechanical ones before. I should write that down. The rhymes help me put how I feel into metaphors. I’m surprised they gave me the things I have, I half expected them to lock me in a room with nothing but my consciousness. For some odd reason, I’m allowed to write my thoughts onto paper. I’m sure there is a camera in here somewhere, maybe it’s embedded into the wall. I don’t know anymore, one two three four five six seven eight nine. Wait how was it Jefferson died, oh yes poison he died of mercury poison. Someone may have killed him. Did they? He wasn’t a good guy, will I ever see those Broadway musicals I always listened to?

Oh look at that, they’ve brought me food. Today or tonight I’ve been given a bowl of room-temperature soup that looks questionable and some bread that I think is moldy. No spoons allowed in here, nothing hot, nothing cold. I’m rarely given fruit, this soup is questionable. Did I say that already? Are those carrots? No, it’s peas? I should shut up and eat.

Two

Location- Carson city Nevada, inside the institution

Ashton

I thought they’d let me out at some point. It was in my first few nights here, when I missed my mother and father. When I wondered what happened to Sophie. I never told you, Sophie´s my younger sister’s name. It’s crazy how she is the only one who cried, she was the only one upset. My parents stood in front of our door holding each other. They didn’t even say goodbye. I know times change and people hold grudges but I always had good grades, and I tried my best. I played baseball and tennis. I was musically inclined and all my courses were senior classes. I did anything they asked without question. I spent hours upon hours taking care of Sophie. She was four, I gave years of my life to spend nights with her while my parents did whatever they wanted. Sophie trusted me- I thought she loved me. Maybe she didn’t understand that big brother was ¨crazy¨. I am not crazy, I am not crazy, right? I mean I can calculate anything. I’m 17 but I took every class available to me at a young age. I broke an IQ machine. I am a diagnosed genius but the government claims I’m crazy. Not one soul outside my family remembers my existence. How ironic. I meet society’s expectations but I´m dragged into an insane asylum. This my friend because I figured it out. I figured it all out. I figured out why they beat me senseless when I arrived here, Why they did it for the first 119 days here. I understood a system that wasn’t designed to be understood. I wasn’t meant to figure out what they were doing to us. That’s why my parents smirked a little bit when I was dragged out of the house. The government did nothing except tell them I knew classified information.

You see friend, the problem is I’ve run out of entertainment. I am about 99 percent sure my brain has created an image of a person to keep me sane. Sane sane sane sane sane sane sane sane sane sane. That’s a funny word: sane . I´m sane or maybe I’m insane. I have not spoken a word for how many days now? oh yes, 342. Eleven months. Am I thinking or speaking? It’s so loud in this room. I can’t make it quiet. Count count count count count count count count count count. one two three four five six seven eight nine, I’ve gotten to 1 million in the last week. Each week. That’s all I do, count count count count! I’ve done hundreds of push-ups and thousands of sit-ups. I’ve done every workout I can think of.

I still remember my routine. Each day I´d get up really early and run two miles, then I´d go to the gym, then school, then practice. I´d come home and watch Sophie until my parents got home. Was I too weak to get the job done? Did they not want me anymore? Was I worthless to them?

Three

Location- Carson city Nevada, inside the institution

jack

¨ He’s talking to the walls sir.¨

¨ I do not care keep the boy there until he gives the information up¨ mr.president said

¨sir.¨

¨what¨ he said to the security guard in charge of the cameras.

¨he knows the systems are broken. The boy has done nothing but pay atte-¨

¨he stays! Now get out of my sight and feed the boy!¨ Mr. President yelled.

The security guard scurried off quickly and went to prepare Ashton´s food.He knew that the boy was going to lose his mind over time. He understood that the boy needed to give up Information, but 11 months of vigorous torturing was not the way to go. The kind of torture they used was sort of wrong, the first three months it was physical and when Ashton gave nothing up They decided to try mentally torturing him. So they locked him in a solid concrete room for 8 months straight in hope that he would lose his mind. It now seems to have worked.

The security guard in charge of watching ashton is Jack montgomery. Jack had come into the president’s service because he is incredibly smart. He withholds no informations from the president and respects him. Jack when to the university of MIT on a tech scholarship, he passed every class with flying colors and applied for a job in one of the many federal agencies spread across the state of virginia. After three years of working with the FBI the president approached him with a job offer. This offer was to watch over a new captive who was particularly feisty¨ for their full stay. This was done via cameras that just so happened to be embedded in the walls of ashtons room. Jack has silently watched Ashton lose his mind for months and done nothing about it.

He lives by a few morals. One of them being to always do your job, nothing more and nothing less. This moral has been questioned by him over the past few months. He is a frail thing, very lanky. He has a full head of brown curly hair that is very thick. Over time he has had the privilege of seeing inside ashtons head. He has also seen Ashton change. The boy arrived with a medium amount of muscle on him, it took ove guard to drag him. Despite the small amount of food he was given he always worked out in some way. Jack watched Ashton lose the ability to entertain himself. He was watching Ashton lose his mind, and soon enough he would die. Slowly but surely he would realize that Ashton knew nothing, he had only figured something out. He had only brought the government up to speed on the inevitable, the undeniable, but in the process. He had done something unforgivable, or had he? Jackson Montgomery couldn’t possibly relate to a seventeen year old boy with an IQ so high, he broke a testing machine. He graduated high school at eight. The boy was in the world’s most prestigious college but still lived at home. He had a medical degree, and he was only seventeen. How on earth could Jackson Cash Montgomery possibly relate to Ashton Smith? Was it the abuse he had gone through as a child? Or was it simply that both of their minds moved too fast for themselves to understand? Both of them had been through things you could never imagine, but neither could relate to the other?

It really was simple. Ashton had just been through worse. Jack was beaten with a fist as a child, never strips of leather and wires. He was never locked in a room for eleven months with himself in hopes he lost his mind. He didn’t have government officials watch him and laugh because he was drowning in his own thoughts, and worst of all he wasn’t dragged away from the one thing he cared about. He had never contemplated why his father was so abusive. It was without question because of his mothers death. Ashtons parents however, gave him up willingly. There is not an ounce of regret in any of their responses. Once every three months the government sends them a letter stating that their son is still alive and they have not succeeded in getting the information out, and each time Jack knows that ashtons younger sister asks if he is okay. I’m sure you’ve figured it out by now. Jack would like to help Ashton but doesn’t know how. Once a person is at the point that Ashton is, they may reject help from anyone.

Four

Location- Carson city Navada, inside the institution

ashton

Cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold. Cold is the only thing I can think about now, as I sit curled up in a ball wearing the sweatshirt I previously discarded while wrapped up in a blanket on the floor. Cold cold cold cold. It must be fifteen degrees outside. I wonder how sophies do it. Is she catching snowflakes again? I need to stop, this is weak. Slowly now I watch as the small slot placed in the very bottom of my door opens. My food must be here. A beige tray slides out from underneath the door. A small bowl of what looks like soup sits centered, with a four ounce cup of water, and a small piece of bread, as well as a plastic spoon. I learned fairly quickly that I need to eat really slow, so I hesitate to crawl towards the plate. As I inch towards it I can clearly see that it is some old soup that at one point was probably full of noodles and chunks of chicken, maybe some peas and carrots too. This might as well be chicken broth with old vegetables in it. I forget that this room is dark sometimes. That the only light I get is from the small window beside my ceiling. Though the hallway is lined with mausoleum floors and big led lights that glow a too-bright white. I grab the food in front of me hesitantly and walk on my knees back to where I was. I now sit with my legs straight out in front of me, and I realize just how bland my clothes are. How odd it is that they give me such bland colors. I pull the tray up onto my lap and get a spoonful of soup, then I count one two three four five ok now take a bite. Over and over and over and over again, until the bowl is empty and there isn’t so much as a crumb on the try. I’ve counted 600 seconds each time. 5 minutes. I’m given five minutes to finish my food every day, or every time I eat. There were nights I couldn’t sleep because I hadn’t been fed. What did I do to deserve this? Why do I deserve this? I’m starting to feel the effects of that soup now. My stomach starts to hurt, almost like a needle in my side. I will vomit sooner or later. I’d prefer later.I can see the oranges and blues of the sky peeking through my window now, so I move from my spot on the floor and crawl towards the door. I learned fairly quickly to knock twice and back away. I knock twice, slide the tray forward, and back away before the slot opens. Someone reaches in and grabs the plate and pulls it out. I am left alone once again with a weak pencil and a composition notebook. I keep thinking that this could be a method of torture, maybe they thought locking me in a room with my thoughts would make me talk. What do you think? Oh- ha ha I forgot you’re a wall. You’re not real, but for some reason I keep imagining that you are. Maybe you’d be a small girl with brown hair and blue eyes. Maybe a bit like sophie? No she would never be put in a room like this. I used to pray. Did I tell you that? I used to pray to whatever god I believed in that he would get me out. That was my one thing. The one thing I allowed myself to not make sense of. I lost hope though, I lost the ability to believe in something that could sit up in heaven or whatever and watch a boy suffer. I lost that a long time ago.

Our hearts are monsters, that’s why our ribs are cages.

I don’t know who said that, but whoever it was is incredibly broken. The sad part is I can relate to that. I was a small heartbroken boy when I came here, and I don’t think I ever healed.

• Ashton’s notes

I write most evenings, it helps keep my mind at least a little more sane. Maybe I’ve lost all chances of being sane, maybe I’m already crazy. It’s almost like I question myself more than I do anyone else.

Five

Location- Carson city Navada, inside the institution

elaina

There is a frail looking boy curled up on a small cot facing the door,looking almost as if he would run at any given chance. I’ll be staying with him. The guards throw his door open and place a mattress on the floor, right across from where he sleeps.they throw a blanket and a pillow on it too. Then they throw me in here, before shutting the door. The loud squeal of it doesn’t seem to wake him. In fact he seems quite unbothered by it. My name is Elaina Lockwood, I’m 17 and I’ve been in this facility for three weeks. I’ve been told that where I was staying before this, was only temporary. They told me this boy’s name is Ashton. Ashton smith, but to refer to him as 007. He’s holding information from them I think. They told me he is too smart to be in the regular world. I find that funny. He looks broken and hurt. He looks cold but wears no shirt. The sweatshirt and t-shirt he was given are both discarded on the floor. They’ve been folded neatly and placed right beside him. He has a bit of bulk to him. His muscles are very defined, he looks as though he’s been working out. Even though I know he can only do basic workouts like push-ups and sit-ups in here.he must do those to burn the time. The two guards also gave me a composition notebook with a nontoxic plastic pen taped to the cover. This boy though. He has hazel hair, and his skin looks like it’s normally a darker white, but at the given moment he looks almost as white as paper.my first week here they gave me simple things. My normal clothes were burned. I was dragged to a shower room, where two women stood outside the door, while I showered. My hair is waist length and wavy, so I am given a bottle of soap rather than a bar. They gave me some very bland clothes. Just some sweatpants,socks,underwear, a plain white t-shirt, a sports bra, and a sweater because it gets cold. Then they put me in a room. It was somewhat like this one but it seemed newer, cleaner. The walls were a concrete gray and there was a window in the ceiling. The floors and walls hadn’t been littered with cracks and stains yet. After three weeks they took me out and told me this was it. My permanent residence. Now they’ve just thrown me in here. I assume he has no idea that i’m here. He may have a small clue about it though. The guards told me that he is not sane, that he is very easily disturbed. They tell me that this will be my permanent residence while i’m here. The room is pitch black now. at the moment i cant even see my own hands, which i know are right in front of me. The room is cold, it is so so cold. I imagine i could see my breath if it were not dark. I sit curled up in a ball on the mattress they threw in the floor for me. Im wearing both the sweater and blanket. My hair falls in thick waves over my shoulders, i doubt very highly it will keep me any more warm than this blanket.i know why i am here.i am here because i killed someone. Wow. shocker, no it’s really not. I killed a man who my father owed money too. That’s the end of my story. I didn’t withhold information from the government. I’m not insane. I don’t owe them money. I just killed for my family. But that was all months ago, and i’ve been here for seven months now,he has just ignored me.

Six

Location- Carson city Navada, inside the institution

ashton

I’ve woken up and there is a girl.A GIRL. curled up in a ball, on a mattress three feet away from me. I have now been here 344 days and I think I’ve finally lost my mind because I’m backing away from her. I’m backing into a wall I was already up against and I’m asking “who are you? Who are you? What are you doing here?” and she’s not saying anything. . .So that was that, i just figured out that i’ve actually gone insane. I am insane, wow i never thought this day would come.my brain sure did do a good job creating her though. I almost want to believe she’s real. She stands now. I realize that she is only about five feet tall, with waist length brown hair. It’s so wavy, beautiful, and green eyes. She is a light white almost like a beige. She’s skinny but not too skinny, and and. She’s speaking, no no no no no no no no NO. i’m really insane now, she wasn’t supposed to speak. Why is she talking? What’s she saying? She has to be in my head. This is all in my head. I need to sleep, sleep sleep sleep. yes , perhaps more sleep will do me good. I realize that i’m shaking and that i’m trying to run. This reminds me of the guards, when they used to come and drag me out of here. That familiar sense of fear is washing over me like waves. I wish i could let myself drown in them rather than fighting to survive.

Seven

Location- Carson city, Navada inside the institution

elaina

“hello…”

“W-wh-who are you? A-are you in my head? Yo-you can’t be real.” ashton says

“I can be real. I’m Elaina lockwood. It’s nice to meet you”she says before holding her hand out for Ashton to shake.when he didn’t take it she pulled away. It had only taken Elaina a moment to notice that Ashton was curling in on himself. That he was genuinely scared of her.

“Well, I am in fact real,” she said before sitting back down. After a few minutes of silence Ashton moved off his cot.

“Breakfast will be here in a minute. Hesitate, eat slowly, don’t speak. Understand?” he said, while putting his t-shirt back on.

“Okay?”she said, and like clockwork, a few seconds later the slot in his door opened and two trays slid into the room. Elaina went to grab the tray nearly ten seconds after it entered the room. Ashton reached out and grabbed her arm gently before letting go.

“No, go slow. Savor it no matter how bad it tastes, it may be all we get today.”ashton said

Elaina, though confused, listened to Ashton and slowly pulled the plate towards her. The plate was so simple, it was a piece of moldy bread and what looked like half of a rotten orange. It was the same for both of them.ashton pulled his tray towards him and sat down on the edge of his cot, he slowly took a bite of the bread and watched Elaina .

“So, how long have you been here?” Elaina asked

Ashton hesitated for a moment.

“Three hundred forty four days and thirty minutes. Which in terms adds up to 29,722,700 seconds.”he said all in one breath.

Elaina was silent.

“ it’s about eleven point two months”he said again.

“ wow” Elaina mumbled under her breath.

“I’m not crazy,just smart. Or at least i think. Thought, ugh whatever you get it” he said again

“No-no no i totally get it. You are legitimately a genius. I thought the guards lied”she said back.

“What? They know i’m not crazy? Wh-what? Then why-am-I-here?”he said.

“Oh, you don’t know why you’re in here?”she said

“Well if i did i sure wouldn’t be talking to a wall would I? Or even better YOU?” he said. Now angry.

“No, I don’t think you would. So, what do you think I am a hallucination?” elaina asked, not knowing if she’d like the answer.

“Of course what else would you be?” ashton asked

“ oh i don’t know a person maybe” she said sarcasm peircing through her voice.

Ashton chuckled a little bit, but not enough to think he found it funny.

“ if im a hallucination how old am i? You’d know everything about me so go on tell me what i don’t know about myself.” elaina said with a hint of irritation showing.

“I haven’t the slightest clue…”ashton said before trailing off.

“Maybe you are real”he thought out loud.

“Well yeah. Ya think” elaina said, the irritation clear now.

The two put their trays by the door and sat in silence for a while. After some time passed the two slowly began to talk, they didn’t have conversations you’d expect two seventeen year olds to have though. They didn’t talk about the newest sport teams or what was trendy at the moment. Rather instead they spoke about the place they shared, their time there, and why they were placed there. Ashton was shy at first but he slowly warmed up.

“So you killed a man and they put you here?”Ashton asked.

“Yep”Elaina said leaning back.

“Why?”he asked.

“Whatcha mean?”Elaina asked.

“Why kill him? I-i mean, did he do anything?”ashton asked.

“Yeah, my dad owed him some money, but he was a government official. So they put me here” Elaina said.

Ashton looked at elaina with question in his eyes. It had been hours since they started talking. Elaina didn’t quite understand ashton yet, there were moments in time where he just zoned out staring at the open space between them. He often flinched when she tried to come near him, he also seemed to withhold so much about himself from her. She on the other hand was very proud and confident of herself. She often did things she was comfortable with, not taking in the way others viewed her. Elainas image had been split over many different views, and many different people. Some people saw her as an annoying little girl who wouldn’t hurt a fly, others see her as a cold blooded murderer. She had no idea how Ashton saw her, he still seemed so timid and shy. The world had changed so much since he was thrown in there. The government had made changes that no one thought needed to be made.

Eight

Location- Carson city Navada, inside the institution

ashton

“So what’s the world like?”ashton said, breaking the silence he was so used to.

“Its definitely different”elaina said

“Well that sure gives me an answer. What has changed?”he said

“Too much, we live in apartment complexes rather than houses. We take a daily shot for some reason. We all dress the same. Its so bad”Elaina said

Ashton paused to think. What exactly had the government done?

Could they really have done what Elaina said? Was it that they decided the world was no longer safe? Had they destroyed his old life? How was he supposed to decipher whats real and whats fake?

“Hey dude you alright?” Elaina asked leaning up in concern.

Elaina waited a minute before coming closer to ashton and grabbing his shoulders.

“ dude, your alright. Its alright” she said, making him sit still.

Ashton realized what had happened right then. He understood. His real life was no longer something that existed. He understood. He finally, finally understood, something just one thing. He could be sure of. Sophie did not remember him. She couldn’t.

“DUDE SNAP OUT OF IT!” Elaina yelled

“Hm” ashton groaned.

“THANK YOU, your not dying man” she said

“Yeah i know.” he said

Having figured this out ashton had a new found hope. A hope that maybe just maybe the government or whoever put him in this place, would finally let him out. This hope wouldn’t last long though because he knew, for sure that they wouldn’t. They added a roommate for heavens sake. There was no chance of freedom now. He was a lost cause.

Nine

Location- Carson city, Navada inside the institution

elaina

There had been days of silence between the two before Ashton got the courage to ask her the question he could barley ask himself. He had counted the days, she had been here for 19 days. She had been in this room with him for 19 days, and he had spoken to her twice

“Question” ashton mumbled

Elaina who had gone back to drawing looked up from her notebook.

“Whats up?” she said, curious.

“what . . . do i look like?” ashton asked.

Elaina looked at him in awe. Was he really serious?

“What?” she said with genuine confusion written across her face.

“What do i look like?” he responded.

“I don’t remember” he quickly finished.

“How long have you been here?”Elaina asked, a hint of concern in her tone.

“361 days” he said calmly.

A look of pure shock shot over Elaina’s face.

“And you don’t remember what you look like?” she asked, this time understanding.

“No. . .” ashton said pausing

“Only thing I remember is that I am tall.” he finished his sentence.

“True,”Elaina said, laughing a bit.

“Well, your eyes are really pretty, their green. As far as i can tell.your hair is kind of curly, just on top. Your skin is almost copper, but still white. You know?” Elaina said

Ashton was confused. He genuinely had no clue how he looked, and this was the first time he wondered in a long time.

“ okay. Thank you” he said

Elaina went on to wonder what exactly he had done to be put in a place like this. Surely he didn’t deserve this. He might have a family that cares about him.what happened to this poor boy?

Ten

Location- Carson city Navada, inside the institution

ashton

Locked in a room with my mind, so they can see what

they’ll find. Maybe this time I’ll break. Maybe this time ill

crack. Maybe this time I’ll be insane.

-excerpt from ashtons journal

They put me in a room so that i’ll lose my mind, for eleven months i’ve been losing my mind in here.then they add a girl to the mix. What is it? You want the process to go faster. You want me to attack her?why? Why why why why?

Clueless clueless clueless. That’s it. I’ve lost all hope for getting out, but her. She is clueless of whats to come. And you people, you horrific people lock her in a room with a boy whos lost his own mind. What is wrong with you? Why why why? And you just watch me go crazy, and question my sanity. You watch me wonder what i did to be put in here. The pain this girl will endure. I stared at the corner of the walls i knew was covered in a sheer layer so that the camera hidden behind could see my pure rage. You are going to hurt a girl who should be nowhere but a juvenile detention center. J.U.V.Y she shouldn’t be put in a room with me for heavens sake.this is an unnecessary punishment.a punishment not needed nor deserved. She shouldn’t be forced to lose her mind.

I hadn’t meant to scare her. I hadnt meant to get up either, but there i was and there she was. Just mumbling under her breath.

“Please, stop. Please”

That was when it hit me. Everything i had meant to think, i had said out loud. I had just screamed at a corner of a wall. I scared a little girl. I terrified her.i made her curl up in a ball. I made her move away from me. I stopped. I stoped thinking, I stoped breathing, I stoped speaking, I just stoped. I made her afraid, i had done exactly what i didn’t plan to do, i backed away from the wall. Realizing that she was curled up in front of me.i moved towards my cot and sat down. All i wanted to do was curl into myself. I wanted to hide from the tiny piece of the world i had been given.

“Thank you” she said quietly.

I didn’t respond.i didn’t even look at her. I just curled up in a ball and pushed myself against a wall. This was why i was in here.this was why.i was not a good fit for society, I had scared a girl nearly into tears.that is what i was capable of. I got out of my head for a second and looked out the window near the top of my room.

“Its dark out, we need to sleep.” i said before laying down. I made sure to face away from her, as to not scare her anymore than i already had. The wall was the same bland as always, the same cracks and uneven patches of color ran over it. The lighter and darker spots of gray. After a few minutes i heard her lay down and felt it was safe to take my sweatshirt off. After removing it and the t-shirt underneath i laid down on my back, careful not to reveal the months worth of scars lining my spine and shoulder blades.i knew tonight would be a long and restless night, much like many others. So i started counting, one two three for five six seven eight nine. Just mumbling the numbers to myself ever so quietly. Once i reached 1800, I heard her breathing slow and knew she had fallen asleep.i rolled over onto my side and drifted off myself, this was by far both the best and worst i had slept in months.i might have even been grateful for it, if i didn’t have this overwhelming rashing fear that two big burley men would come and drag me out of this room to add a few new additions to my back.i let the thoughts course through my mind,drowning me in waves i didn’t think i could get out of. The currents pulling me deeper and deeper into the tench i call insanity. Insanity isn’t that a funny word.it has a ring to it now. Im used to my new name and this ‘new room’ and this place im supposed to call ‘home’.so i let the dreams begging to give me just a touch of freedom drag me into a deep sleep, one i hadn’t felt for months.i did however wonder if Elaina had anything to do with it. Had she just made me more calm? Or more comfortable? Or was it that i felt like i needed to show her just how vulnerable the boy who had nearly scared her into tears an hour ago could really be?

Eleven

Location- Carson city, Navada inside the institution

elaina

I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep. Not after ashton had done that. Why had he done that? I knew he wasn’t crazy but still.there seemed to be something about him, something off. I heard him count. I listened to the fear lingering in his words. The fear he couldn’t shake out of his voice.i heard him take his shirt off and fold it before putting it beside his bed. Then he laid down and i waited.i don’t know what exactly i was waiting for but i got something. I sure got something.after a long time i heard his soft snores and realized that this was probably the first time he had slept like this; so i was careful when i turned onto my side and i almost felt bad for waking him.

“OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED!” i hadnt meant to yell really. He shot up like a bullet and looked me in the eye. There was just enough light in the room to watch the fear he had only partly leave his eyes.his breaths were short and staggered for a few minutes and he wrapped himself in the thin blanket he had. each time i tried to get up and help him he just told me to get away. I think i scared him more than he scared me. Eventually he loosened his grip on the blanket, but kept it over his shoulders and his breaths slowed.

“You cant do that” he said quietly.

“Do what?”i asked

“Yell, or wake me up like that.”he said, still quiet.

“Why?i mean about the yelling.” i said.

“There are guards everywhere. Outside the door and down the hall. They don’t care much during the day but they sit down and sleep at night i guess” he mumbled.

Minutes went by and there it was. The ever so faint sound of steel toe boots hitting the marmoleum floors.

“Get down. Act like your asleep.”ashton said before grabbing the sweatshirt and t-shirt and putting them on as fast as he could. After he was done he let hs whole body fall limp, and was ‘asleep’. I laid back down and waited for whatever he waited for. Then it happened, i hadnt expected to learn where those scars came from but the big steel door slid open and i heard them walk in. ashtons breath hitched for a second. I opened my eyes ever so slightly to see two men standing over him. One reached down nd grabbed one of ashtons arms while the other grabbed ashtons other arm. I never heard him protest, i never heard a scream or a cry but i watched him get dragged out the door. I listened to the leather whip hit his skin and the chains that were most likely around his wrist rattle as he winced. I couldn’t sleep any that night. I just sat there, staring at the cot he had slept in just a few hours ago.i know it doesn’t seem like it, but i’ve been here three weeks. Three weeks of meals, of showers, of clothes. of him. They showered us separate, but everything else was together. He had just fallen into a bubble of thought a few hours ago and now i was listening to him be punished for nothing. It may sound funny to you but i care about ashton smith. He is a gentleman and i know he would never hurt me, i just got a bit freaked out .I must have drifted off because I was woken up by his voice.

“Hey.” he whispered.

The sun came in the window and I could see that it was no longer snowing. Ashtons shirt and sweatshirt were laid out on his bed frame.

“That’s why you’re scared?” I asked.

Ashton nodded,wincing a little bit as he did so. I could see he was in pain.

“Can I see?” I asked, prepared for the no he was likely to give. instead of a no ashton stood and turned around. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to. Long thick scars lined his back. From his shoulder blades to his pant line. There was dried blood blotched over his back and some of the cuts were new. They used leather. I had seen wounds like these before, I had known they were from leather. He seemed to sense the question I was too scared to ask.

“You can touch the old ones,” he said, quietly. In an almost gentle tone.i took the tips of my fingers and ran them over a very old scar, it seemed to be months old. It ran from just over his right shoulder to a few inches above the left of his waist. He seemed to tense up a bit at my touch.

“Does it hurt when I touch this one?” i asked.

“Honestly. Yes and no. in some places i can feel it and others i feel nothing just because I’m so used to it.” he said, pausing.“They stopped for a few months. They haven’t done this since march.”he said.

My hand was still over this one scar.

“Which one was your first?” I asked.

“Go down to the left, straight across the center of my back.” he said, reaching his hand back and pointing to it.

i Moved my hands and placed them over a thicker scar that ran diagonally over his ribcage, the line was thick and you could tell he hadn’t gotten medical attention.

“It isn’t straight.” thats the only thing i managed to get out.

“What?”he asked

“Its diagonal. Feel?” i said running my hand over the scar.

“Oh. well that sucks.”he said laughing a little.i removed my hand and stepped back.

“Can i ask you something?” i said

“Go for it” he said turning around. This gave me the opportunity to get a good look at him, i finally realized how toned he really was.

“How do you do that? Stay so… so fit?” i asked

“ What this?” he said pointing to the abs he had clearly had a while .i shook my head.

“I just exercised for a really really long time. It was my entertainment.I just did push-ups and lunges and so on.” he said shrugging.

“Oh” I said.

“Cool.” I turned to focus on the wall instead of him. Why did I have butterflies in my stomach? Why was I changing into a bright crimson tone?

“Whats wrong?”he asked

I shook my head, lost in my own thoughts.

“I did mean to tell you.” he said

“While they had me out there the guard who watches us told me he disconnected the camera.you’re not being watched now.”

“Oh thats good” i said back. Ashton stood and came towards me, he held out his hand to me with a goofy smile on his face. I hesitantly took his hand and stood with him.

“ so i must tell you. This bed” he pointed ot his cot.

“Absolutely sucks” then he laughed. I pointed to mine.

“Same.” i laughed too.then the most simple idea came to mind. It would benefit us both if we just put the beds on top of each other. It would give us more warmth to sleep beside each other and it would be more comfortable.

“ why don’t we stack them?” i asked.

“ and what sleep beside each other?” he said.

“ yeah. I mean think, wed be comfortable and a bit more warm. It isn’t like we wouldn’t be able to move. They gotta be at least a twin.” i said, and to my surprise he agreed.we both worked to place the six inch mattresses on top of each other and admired our work in the end.

“Now to my actual question” he said.

I looked up at him in surprise.

“Yes?” i said “Would you like to dance? I haven’t done this in years and-”

“Yes” i said interrupting him.

He placed one hand on my hip and laced the other through my hand, before pulling me close. I knew the next step was for me to put my arm under his and on his shoulder blade but i was afraid of hurting him.

“Its okay.” he whispered,inches from my face.

“You wont hurt me. I promise” he whispered again but placed my left hand on his chest. I pulled my arm onto his shoulder blade and carefully put it there. We swayed back and forth for a few minutes and he twirled me.after a minute we danced almost ballroom style, fishing the number with me dipped and his hand on my upper thigh.he pulled me up and held me tight.our breaths were short and staggered from the quickness of the movements.

“You look really pretty right now.” he whispered before letting me go. I could feel his breath on my cheek and I turned a bit pink.

“Thank you” I said walking away.

Twelve

Location- Carson city Navada, inside the institution

ashton

We had been inches apart. Our faces were inches apart. I could feel the hitch in her breath. Could she feel mine? I hadn’t danced in years before today. I hadn’t expected her to say yes either, but she did. I think she might have been afraid of hurting me.she felt so frail in my arms, so fragile. Almost like glass, but she was so strong. There in my arms she seemed so vulnerable for just a moment. I sat down on the edge of the bed before looking up at her.

“Where did you learn?” she asked.

I grabbed my sweatshirt and prepared for the familiar sting of the wounds on my back, and slipped it over my head.

“My mother made me take classes when I was younger. She said it would ‘come in handy’ one day.” I said back. I adjusted my sweatshirt so it was looser around my back and leaned into the wall, resting my shoulder on it.

“ I guess it did. Can I sit?” she asked. I shook my head. Why did she even feel like she had to ask? It might have been right then that I realized I had even the slightest feelings for her, or it might have just been that I was thankful. So thankful that she was here, And she was real.i don’t know but I wondered what the feel of her lips on mine would be like.logistically speaking that doesn’t make any sense. I have known this girl for how many weeks? Right about four and I’m thinking I could be in love with her.I’ve read about it before. I’ve even seen it.I’ve never felt it before. The butterflies? I think that’s what they call them. Why do they call them butterflies?

Thirteen

Location- Carson city, Navada inside the institution

elaina

Just watching him stare at the walls and ponder whatever it was on his mind.I started wondering what he was always thinking about a few days ago. I never gathered enough courage to ask. I knew he had been here for more than a few months and I knew I wanted out. It was the one thing that had consistently stayed on my mind during my time here.

“I want out.”I said just under my breath. Ashton looked at me in shock and laughed.

“Welp you might as well lose hope now. Go to bed it’s late.” he said, turning to face the wall so i could join him. I joined him and lay on my back. I watched the ceiling intently and wondered where the cracks had come from.how had this room come to be so stained? It almost looked damaged. I was careful not to move because disturbing him might cause him to be startled but I was cold. So I leaned down and grabbed my sweatshirt that I took off earlier in the day.i never felt him shift but out of nowhere he just spoke.

“What’s wrong?” he whispered, still facing the wall.

“Oh, nothing. Just a bit cold” i whispered back

“Ok” he said before settling back into place. I wondered why he wanted to know what was wrong with me. It wasnt like he cared.when i was younger i always had an interest in history. It was now in these moments of quiet and peace that i thought back to those days. I would sit in my room for hours and read textbook after textbook. loving the idea of fact over fiction, and now i lay beside ashton staring up at the ceiling. Wondering what they did with those books. How many wars would have ‘never happened’? How many authors would be killed for writing the full truth? How many people have died because they disagreed with the goverments actions? Are we a democracy or is this communism? My mind was clouded with thoughts now. I knew ashton was asleep and it was late. I got up slowly from the beat up mattress and began to walk around the room. My fingertips traced the cracks and crevices lining the concrete. It must be common wear and tear. I shuffled my feet slowly, enjoying the sound of my movements. I heard a low groan come from ashton and dcidd to sit down where i was. It was dark and the room was cold, but i liked the floor more than the bed. I curled my legs up to my chest and stayed like that in hopes that he would stay asleep. His breaths became uneven and a bit faster. I knw he was awake.

“Youre up?” he askd in a low voice just above a whisper.

“Couldnt sleep. Thats all” i said.

“Doubt it. You need to sleep” he said. I hesitated, thinking my words through.

“Why? It isnt like we’ll ever get out of here.i mean we’re trapped” i said, coming back beside him.i sat up with my legs crossed and watched the walls while waiting for a response.

“Sleep.” he mumbled before grabbing my waist.i knew i couldnt resist letting him pull me down. It was cold and i had thought he was doing this for heat but he hugged up to me further once i was fully beside him. I hadnt known he wanted this but i also didnt mind it.he was sort of warm and kind of comforting to be honest.

Fourteen

Location- Carson city Nevada, inside the institution

ashton

My mother used to tell me that I looked just like her brothers did at my age. I wonder if that’s still true. If they’d looked like me now? A scragilly boy struggling to stand some days? I genuinely wondered if they looked like I did now, With my face nestled into Elena’s neck and my arm around her waist. Had they done this? I’d never met my moms brothers but I’d heard lots about them. They had all been tall and lean, just as i was. They had jet black curly hair and green eyes. Their skin had been light copper colored, and they had been about my height.had they ever touched like this? Had one of them been engulfed in their own thoughts, while the other was restless? I avoided thinking of my parents or my younger sister because it made me upset, i had gone numb after a while. I don’t feel like I’ll ever be happy. I do want out though. I want to see the world and the treasures that remain untold. I want to watch the sunset and I want to see the ocean rise. I feel like that’s impossible sometimes. I can’t see the world through my own eyes.

Walking the same paths

Looking at the same past

Seeing the same things.

When did they get there?

This isn’t a wrath,

It isn’t something strange.

Just to be clear,

I’m only stuck in here.

It’s been almost a year,

I don’t even know now.

• Excerpt from ashtons journal.

I am engulfed in my thoughts. I’m starting to hear screams. My fingertips are numb. How many days has it been now? How many nights have i been here? How many times has it been made clear that i am not crazy? do the scars lining my back not prove that? Does it make no sense that I haven’t hurt this girl! How? How could you do this to a person? Im sorry im sorry im so so so sorry.im sorry for the wrongs i did. Im sorry for playing a simple game and understanding the riddles. Im sorry im so so so sorry. Ive let go of Elaina now and im facing the wall. I can feel myself shaking. The cold breaking my brittle bones, my thoughts drowning me like the reckless sea. I imagine them as thoughtless harsh relentless waves, barreling over me with such force it couldn’t be described. My breaths become staggered and my chest feels tight. My lungs feel like they’re exploding. I wish I couldn’t feel anything. I wish the words I was whispering to myself weren’t able to be heard. I wish i- i wish- i wish.

“Ashton.” Elaina says, putting a hand on my shoulder. It shocks me to be reminded that she’s here. I wish I could brush her hands away from me. I wish I could breathe.

“Ashton.breathe.” Elaina says. Her words sound like mumbles. Her breaths on the back of my neck feel like fingers ripping my flesh away.

“Jesus Christ Ashton, breathe.” she says a bit louder, with both of her hands on my shoulders she forces me to sit still and look at her.

“ASHTON. Breathe.” and suddenly I’m shocked back into reality. I’m allowing my breaths to slow and my thoughts to clear. Her words dont blur together and her breath dosent feel like fingernails ripping my flesh off. I realizethat I had been half awake. She probably thinks I’m a psychopath.

“I’m not crazy. I promise.’’ I say in a rush.she is silent as she loosens her grip on my shoulders.

“I know you’re not” she sighs before laying back down.

I wish I could go back to sleep. My mind is still moving so fast.

“I want out.” i say. Elaina looks at me like ive seriously lost my mind.

“I thought you aid we couldnt get out” she says.

“Youre right but that dosent stop me from dreaming.” i say back, laughing a little to myself.

“So why dont we?” she asks.

“ w-what get out?” i said laughing.

“Yeah why not? I mean guards will come over here any minute. I did yell at you, you know.” elaina asks me. For a moment i am shocked, shes right we could get out. All we have to do is push past the guards.

fifteen

Location- Carson city Nevada,forest

Elaina

“Who let them out” I hear a guard yell, Ashtons not far behind me and I know there are at least ten guards behind us. My chest feels like it’s on fire and my feet feel like they’re being ripped off. We decided to ditch the slippers and run in socks. My hair is down and tangling in itself as I run.

“Elaina, I need to stop” I hear Ashton beg from behind me. I can’t look back not now, not ever and if I’m getting out he’s getting out with me.

“Keep running, you have to”I say not looking back. I can hear his lungs stalling. His breaths slowly get more shallow as he struggles to keep up with me.

“I see it. The exit is just up ahead.” I yell, pushing myself to continue for a hundred more meters. Ashton doesn’t respond.i can hear the guards yelling in the background and i will myself to keep going no matter how much pain i am in.

Sixteen

Location- Carson city Nevada,forest

ashton

My god did I missed running, but not this much. We’ve run about 400 meters and we haven’t stopped. My lungs are on fire and my steps are thunder. The guards voices are noises in the back of my head. I might get to see sophie again.

‘One hundred to go. One hundred to go. Thats it ashton.’ I tell myself.

I want out. I want out now. A guard is twenty feet behind me. I have to take these socks of. I come to a stop and nearely rip the socks as i pull them off my feet. Im sprinting now. Much faster than before and the only thing I can focus on is the door, willing myself to make the thirty meters left. Elaina and i are square and even with our steps.

“Fast much?” she asks not stopping to look at me. I laugh a bit to myself. We have a chance at getting out of here.

Or so i thought, just as i thought we were good to get out a guard jumps out infront of us.he grabs my shoulder and places a note in my hand.

“Ill hold them off run. Read it later. I wish you well” he says before shoving me off in the other direction.

We are infront of the door now and i realize that we’ve stopped.

“I guess this is it.” i say looking to elaina.

“ you have to stay near me. The world isnt what you remember anymore.”Elaina says. I nod knowing her words are true. I hold the paper that the guard slipped into my hand in a death grip. Elaina pushes the door open and I realize it’s the dead of winter again.the snow is thick on the ground and the cold hits us like shards of glass. An abundance of alarms go off at once and we have no time to waste. At this point every guard in the facility has to be after us. We are in the middle of nowhere which makes us screwed, unless elaina remembers the way out. Which wouldn’t be a reliable or safe option. So she is sprinting into the woods. The woods, I am going to sprint barefoot into the woods. How lovely.

“ASHTON. COME ON” elaina yells.

It is so cold. The ground is cold. The air is cold. I am cold. Thats just how it is right now. There are trees left right forward and backward. I am dodging branches and dead vines and missing moss by an inch. At the very least I do not like this. Once we’re a good distance from the facility and i can no longer hear guards yelling we decide to sit down on some rocks.

“Where are we?”I ask , knowing this isn’t the same weather as illinois, considering its dark.

“Alaska.” elaina says finding a rock to sit on.right then i realize that we will freeze to death.

We are going to die out here.

seventeen

Location- Nevada, middle of nowhere

ashton

You never stop being crazy. Ever. I know that is something that sounds ironic coming from a person who is losing his mind but it’s true.As I lay here curled up underneath a tree in a bare spot we managed to find I figure that out. Elaina wraps her arms around me and her head rests on my chest, her legs are entangled with mine. She looks nice this way. She looks peaceful. I want to let myself dream and drift but I spent so many years somewhere other than here. In the moment. Out of the blue I hear a bit of a faint whistle and a dog barking.

“Elaina.elaina.” I hastily whisper.

“Mmm”she mumbles snuggling closer to me.

The barks are getting louder and I hear the dog trainers near them.

“Elaina up we need to go”I say with more haste this time.

She wakes up and looks at me for a second before responding.

“What? why?” She says.

I put a hand over her mouth and signal for her to listen.

“Trackers. They knew we’d stop soon.” She says pushing herself up off me. I shake my head.

“We need to go.” I say leaning up as well.

She gets up and reaches for my hand. I grab her hand and pull myself up.

“You’re hurt?” She asks.

I look down at my leg and notice a subtle drip of blood coming through the ankles of my pants.

“Crap” I say.

“We don’t have time for this. We need to go.” She says starting to move in another direction. I follow. Here we are, back at it again, running for god only knows how long. We start off slow but gradually get faster as the dogs get louder. Now we sprint, barely missing the branches and vines at our feet. Unable to see what’s in front of us very clearly, we continue in as straight of a line we can be in. We dodge trees and fallen limbs, and jump over stumps and burned branches. We never stop to look at each other, we never let go of each other. Not until we lose the dogs. Not until we reach the huge field. I’d call it no man’s land.

“They’ll lose us here.” Elaina exclaims, stopping to breathe. Her hands have a strong grip on her knees and she stares at the blackened ground. The moon is bright enough to light up the stretch of land we stand on.

“ oh my god…” I say breathlessly.

“What-what happened?”I ask confused as to what I’m seeing.

“They burned it.”Elaina responds, sitting on some burnt wood.

I don’t understand what I am seeing. Hundreds of homes, buildings, and stores burnt to the ground. This isn’t fit to sustain life. There are so few buildings that survived.

“They missed a few, c’mon we have to get some shelter.” Elaina says getting up and pulling me forward.

What once was sidewalks sits cracked and with missing chunks. What once was a suburb has three houses still standing, with wood rotting and broken windows. What once was a busy downtown sits abandoned and destroyed.

“W-who did this?” I manage to murmur.

“Government” Elaina responds.

She finds a lone standing house. Branches are littered around it and the paint is chipping off. You can see it was once a pale blue color. The house looks as if a family lived here.

“There’s no one inside. I promise. We need to sleep somewhere though” she exclaims trying to get my attention. I can only manage to mumble out a distorted ‘okay’. I halfway watch as she kicks the door open.

“Ashton. Ashton I need you here with me” she says pulling me into the most decent house we managed to find..

I mumble a few inaudible words. Elaina manages to pull me into the house and up some stairs. I see three rooms. One, small with a bunk bed in it. Race cars line the bedding of one twin mattress while princess’s cover the other.

The second room is covered in rock band posters over the walls. A purple, blue, and black blanket covers the full sized mattress. The third room is fitted with a king sized bed and a black and white blanket. A family of five. Two small children, one teenager, and two parents lived here. Though the house is dusty and rotted in all sorts of places, it is still a home.

“Here.” She drags me into the parents room. Which makes sense considering it is the cleanest. Though I noticed drawers jerked open and clothes pulled over the edges in each room. They must have left in a rush. I walk forward and lean on the bed. It smells clean, the washing powders smell so fresh, dust lingers over the covers.

“The government basically told everybody they had three minutes to be out of their houses or they’d get burned with the rest of the town.” Elaina says, closing the door.

“Why close the door?” I ask.

“ We need to keep as much heat in as we can. Considering there is no heat and it’s like twenty degrees outside.” She says.

I don’t question her, rather I decide that since we are safe and the door is locked I can take off my sweater. I crawl to the top of this huge bed and pull the covers back before laying down. Elaina takes her sweater off too and lays beside me. We pull the covers up and lay a few inches apart. The silence is deafening. I stare at a ceiling fan and wish I could watch it move. I wish I could feel her breaths match mine, our heartbeats match in speed. Her breaths slow as she feels safe in my embrace. I want to let myself drift into a sleep I haven’t had in 373 days. I lean up and remove my shirt because the seams bother me. I put it with my sweater and look over to see Elaina sleeping peacefully. Her breaths have slowed and she seems to feel safe. It’s hard to believe a girl like her committed murder. I lay back down and put an arm around her waist. As soon as she feels that she moves closer to me. “Huh” she half speaks, through her momentary waking. She wraps an arm around me and lays on my chest. My hand is on her back and I can’t help but smile. This was my dream. This was my dream for years, to drift off to sleep with someone I think I love in my arms. To feel safe in their embrace. It isn’t a dream.

Eighteen

Location- Carson city Nevada,middle of nowhere

Elaina

I think I am in love with this boy. I know that’s a bold statement, don’t get me wrong, but it’s true. He is sweet, and kind, and he is caring. Sure he has his issues but I can deal with that. I am laying on his bare chest, moving my fingers over the scars peeking past the sides of his rib cage and he’s okay with it. I am laying on his chest in nothing but a t-shirt and underwear, and he’s okay with it. His breaths aren’t shallow or quick. He doesn’t seem to be in his own bubble of thought. He doesn’t seem scared. He is letting himself drift off. He isn’t afraid. I know I was really quick with shoving him in this environment and it’s a lot for him but he is doing so well. He runs his fingers through my hair, gentle and soft almost like he craves my touch but doesn’t want to scare me. I know I love him I just know it.

“Ash?” I mumble.

His breath catches for a second.

“Yes?” He says.

“I think I love you.” I whisper without thinking.

He stops breathing, moving, just thinking for a second.

“No, you don’t.” He shakily says back.

I lean up knowing the self doubt he must feel.

“I’ve been trapped in that room with you for six months. If you didn’t know, you just didn’t acknowledge me for most of them because your brain wouldn’t let you. I love you Ashton smith.” I half shout.

“You can’t love me.” he mutters.

“How?”I ask.

“Because Elaina. I am genuinely not okay. I wasn’t okay with seeing this house because I lived in one just like it. My sisters room themed with princesses mine rock bands. And my parents just modern. I have panic attacks when to much overloads me. I love you so Much but you can’t love me! You just can’t!” He blurts pulling away from me.

Jesus dose that irritate me. I pull him towards me and kiss him. One singular kiss right on the lips. A deep kiss, I have my hands in his hair and I’m looking into his eyes when I pull away.

“I love you Ashton smith. I love you!” I shout.

He looks at me shocked.

“Really?” he asks.

“Yes.” i tell him.

I lay back down on his chest and put an arm around him. His heartbeat stays fast and his breaths are a bit shallow. I lean up and pull his face to look at me.

“Its okay. We’re okay.” i say comforting him.

Nineteen

Location-edge of Nevada.

ashton

I get woken up by an incredibly frantic Elaina. I of course had no clue what was going on when I woke up to her curled up in a ball shaking, so I stayed oblivious. It took me a moment to realize that she was having a night terror, her body shook in tremors and her breaths were shallow. I made the educated decision to wake her up. I knew that if I let this continue she would scream in her sleep, eventually leading to sleep paralysis. I place both my hands on her shoulders and calmly speak her name.

“elaina” she continues to shake. I say her name a bit louder now and shake her. Her eyes fly open and she shoots up. Her body shakes and her breaths are shallow. She’s having a panic attack. I wrap my hands around her and pull her to my chest, she can hear my heartbeat and feel my breaths.

“It’s okay. You’re okay.” I comfort her.

In due time her shaking slows and her breaths become even. I do not plan to question her about this incident.

“I-i-i’m sorry” she stammers through her words.

“It’s alright. Are you okay?” I ask.

She nodds.

“I’ve had night terrors all my life. Never that bad though” she exclaims.

I look at her for a second, still holding on to her.

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“ okay, you want to talk about it?” i ask.

“ nope. We do need to get going though?” she tells me.

I let go.

“Okay. let’s go.” i say.

“No no no, we take things first.” she says getting up, scurrying around the room.

I sit confused, but watch as she gets up and pulls her pants and other clothes on. She finds the walk-in closet across the room and manages to find hiking backpacks.

“I knew them… this family.” she says, grabbing many t-shirts and undergarments from the closet.

I look at her in shock.

“ i stayed in this house many times as a child. My father knew his family.” she explains.

I am in shock. She knows the people that lived here.

“Who were they?” I ask.

“Get up and help me. They were doctors. They had three kids, the eldest being seventeen. Younger than you by eight months.” she stops to tell me this.

“Great people. Really, just unprepared for the future.” she says before turning around and checking the sizes of some pants and garments.

“Here. find your sizes, the room down the hallway to the left.” she says, throwing the second backpack at me.

I walk down the hallway to what looks to be a teenagers room. I now have a few minutes to take in the room. A bubbly black bed frame sits with a purple,black,and blue comforter . posters from popular rock bands of the 80’s and 90’s line the walls staggered in an uneven pattern. A tall black dresser sits beside the closet door with drawers pulled open, several pairs of jeans and a few t-shirts hung over the sides of them. Dirty clothes were strung around the room. The bed is still unmade. It looked as if he had just been here yesterday, all except for the dust covering the window and dressers. I pull several pairs of jeans and sweatpants as well as some t-shirts and shove them into the backpack. I grab a hoodie off the closet door and a zip up jacket. Some things are a bit big but they will work for now. I put the hoodie and zip-up on before finding some socks and shoving them in the bag as well. Then i put a pair on and manage to find some hiking boots to put on. I zip up the backpack and begin to head over towards the door to leave but i noticed something out of the corner of my eye. And then i saw myself. There was a standing mirror beside the nightstand and i had just noticed it. My face looks worn, broken almost. Scars linger faintly over my jaw and eyebrows, i really am fit. The definition of my muscles is clear through this t-shirt. I decide it better to keep moving, to not dwell on my physical appearance and leave the room.

Twenty

Location- border of California, small town prime Nevada.

Elaina

I sit on the edge of the bed staring at the white walls. I leave the hiking backpack to my left and let myself think for a moment.

“Hey.”

Ashton shocks me out of my trance.

“Whats up” I say, shaking off the lingering fear i felt.

He looks at me for a little too long before asking

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah” I say.

“Just tired.”

Twenty-one

Location- border of California,forest

Ashton

We are walking through the forest, the snow crunches under our feet and we curse ourselves for every step. I let myself wonder for a bit too long and i get to thinking about what it must be like out there. To have a life outside those walls.

“How’d you kill him?” I half whisper.

Elaina stops dead in her tracks and stares at me.

“What?”

“ How did you kill him? The congressman or whatever “I say.

She laughs a little.

“ He was a senator but close enough.” she says back.

“Whatever” I say, flirting a little bit.

She lets herself smile and then goes stolid.

“ I stabbed him.”

I can’t say anything but I do.

“What?”

“ I stabbed senator james hoax to death” she says, like it was something so unserious.

I stare at her.

“You stabbed him once. And he died?” I ask.

She laughs.

“God no.”

“Then how many times did you stab him?”I ask with a strong tone of concern.

“Twelve” she says,nonchalantly picking at her cuticles.

“Are you done playing questionnaire because we need to keep going?” she says before pointing forward.

I decide to leave it alone but can’t shake the feeling that something’s off.

It was absolutely hilarious to watch his face when I told him. I mean don’t get me wrong it was incredibly random when he asked me how exactly i killed a man.

I wasn’t gonna keep it from him, i mean i wasn’t ashamed of what i did.

Man his face though, just pure shock… he might have been scared or confused. I can tell he wanted to keep asking me questions.

“My father owed him money.” i say, answering the question he lets linger between us.

He nods.

“He was going to kill my father and me.” I say, pointing to my left and walking that direction.

He nods again.

“So…i killed him first”

“End of story” I finished.

Ashton waits a minute before asking a question.

“What did the government do? I mean as your punishment.”

I can’t answer that. We keep walking at a decent speed but my mind speeds up.

“ I was imprisoned.” I say, lying.

“How long?” he asks.

I stop walking.

“My punishment was a form of torture i guess. Or it was supposed to be. But around six or seven years” i say.

He stops a little ways in front of me and turns around.

“But you got out?”

“Precisely.” I say back.

“How?” He asks.

I look at him for a second.

“How did you get out?” He asks, being a bit more specific.

I laugh to myself going back to that night, us both running down the long narrow hallways, officer Montgomery holding the guards off. That night in the woods.

“I had help” I say in a smiley tone.

Ashton stares at the ground for a minute.

“When were you imprisoned?” He asks, sounding skeptical.

“April”

He mutters something unintelligible.

“What? Ashton we have to go” I say.

He grabs my arm as I turn away.

“I wasn’t hallucinating was I?”

I look at him dumb founded.

“I wasn’t hallucinating was I Elaina” he says a bit louder this time.

“Was I!” He yells.

“No.” I mutter.

He lets go and starts walking faster than me.

“This” he says pointing to the space between us.

“This was stupid!” he yells.

“I was stupid” he exclaims.

“They put you with me for torture. And you thought what Elaina? Play with the broken boy’s heart” he’s yelling now.

I shake my head.

He starts to go on a long ramble about how this is so wrong and he’ll never forgive me.

I make the decision so quickly I don’t even register what I’ve done until I feel his hands. I have kissed him… I put my arms around his neck and kissed him,one of his hands rest on the small of my back and the other on my shoulder.

“I wasn’t using you.” I say moving my thumbs over the top of his cheek bones.

“ they put me with you in hopes you would hurt me. But you didn’t. Instead you showed me you.” I whisper close to him.

He starts to tear up a bit.

“If I had spoken you would have hurt yourself. You said you would. So I shut up” I finished.

He holds me close to him, the heat of his breath feels humid against my face.

“I thought i was talking to a wall. I thought i drew up this image of a girl in my head to keep myself sane.” he says, his voice soft this time.

“Well that isnt what you did.” i say.

The sound of a helicopter shocks us out of this sweet moment.

Both of us turn our heads towards the sound and are in a freight.

“Run.”

Twenty-two

Location- somewhere north of Los Angeles.

ashton

We eventually found a rock large enough for both me and Elaina to fit under but it was tight. Her lower body sat on my lap while her back was arched up against the top of the rock. All I could do was curl up as best I could. Our breath drifts off like cigarette smoke as we breathe.

“This is the part you’re not gonna like. Okay?” she says.

I nod, holding back a wince.

“We have to run. We can’t stop. We can’t slow down. Okay?” she asks.

I am confused.

“Why?” I ask.

“They won’t send out search teams anymore. They’ll send planes and helicopters and drones.” she says all in a rush.

I nod understanding.

“Oh, and that” she says pointing to my foot.

“It’s gonna suck. You’re gonna wanna take your boot off every five minutes. It’s gonna hurt, itch, and burn. But keep the boot on.”

I nod again.

She gets herself out of the crevice and reaches for my hand. Once I’m out I ask.

“So are we running? Or like fast walking and sometimes running?”

“Second one.” she says, ushering me forward.

We walk in silence for a long time. Letting the quiet fill the space between us. My ankle hurts worse as time goes on. It begins to itch and burn from the sweat covering my legs. I get to having it on my mind and begin to wonder what might be wrong with it.

“I’m sorry” Elaina blurts out of nowhere.

I stay quiet but acknowledge her words.

She stops walking.

“I’m sorry” she says again.

I can tell she’s a bit anxious.

“What for?” I ask.

“I kissed you…”

“That was dumb.”she says.

I don’t respond.

I take another step but she grabs my arm.

“I shouldn’t have done that. I know it was bad timing but I didn’t know how to make you stop saying those things. I’m sorry-”I cut her off.

“Elaina.” I say.

“It’s fine. Don’t be sorry.” I tell her.

“No it’s not. I interrupted you. I shouldn’t have done that.” She says again.

“I kissed you back for a reason.” I blurt out before thinking.

She stops speaking.

“What?” She asks.

“I yell when I’m anxious.”

“I needed you to make me stop” I say.

“ I kissed you back” I say again.

“ and you made my mind shut up. Okay. I kissed you back. so it’s fine.” I finish.

Elaina states at me.

“Okay. Let’s go then” she says.

We don’t talk for a very long time. It had to have been hours before I said another word. But that was how it went.

We walked, and walked, and walked some more. We ran sometimes too. But mostly we walked.

Twenty-three

Location- twelve miles north of Los Angeles.

Elaina

A big part of me wanted to kiss him again. I wanted to stop and rap my arms around him. I wanted to hold him so tightly but I knew that wasn’t an option. I knew that I was gonna be the one to die. I had to accept that it was me or him. That one of us had to be caught, Sent back to the facility and tortured.

I noticed him struggling to walk and decided that we needed to take a break.

“ hey. We stop here.” I say.

We found some rocks to sit on and grabbed some crackers and water from our bags.

“Take off your boot.” I tell him.

“Why?” He asks, confused.

I pull out the bandage and alcohol I packed and wave it in the air.

He hesitantly unlaces the timberland boot on his left foot, and reveals a large gash on the side of his ankle.

My mouth fell open, as he put his injured foot in my lap.

“Dear god” I muttered.

“Meh, ive felt worse.” he says, shugging off the pain.

I grab a bottle of alcohol and a roll of gauze from inside my bag.

I look up at him and laugh.

“This is gonna hurt.” i say before pouring the alcohol onto his ankle.

His entire upper body tenses up as he fights back a scream.

“You are very- not nice!” he half yells.

I leave him alone for a second so the burning could ease off a little bit.

“I told you it would hurt.” i say jokingly.

I began wrapping his ankle in a thin white gauze when i realized i had not brought any ointment. After silently cursing myself for a long period of time i finished it up and made him put his boot back on.

twenty-four

Location- Los Angeles, California

ashton

We had walked a total of around 362 miles, stopping eleven times, not including bathroom breaks, and sleep. We were both exhausted, so much so that we stumbled into the most beautiful place I have ever seen. Skyscrapers were covered in vines and green leaves. Trees had grown out of houses. and moss had covered almost every inch of the place. We stood in the center of a large road staring up at the sky. The sun came through the trees and made the place look like it had come out of a fairytale, it looked magical. Bridges had fallen and flowers and berry bushes had grown over them. Spots of snow dot the moss and clovers All over the ground. Abandoned cars are spread across the road, some have crashed into each other and flipped over. Elaina walks over to a car and climbs onto the roof. She spins in circles trying to catch every inch of this place.

“ we- we can’t stay here” she says breathlessly.

“What? Why?”

“They’ll know we came here. They’ll come and check soon. We can’t stay for long.” She says, sitting on the trunk of the Toyota. She lets her legs dangle over the ground, and watches me as I walk over to her. Her eyes trace each move I make and almost sets a boundary between us.

“Ok then, we rest and we keep going.” I say, finding a place on the ground to sit.

“What city are we in?” I ask.

She sits and looks around for a few more minutes.

“Los Angeles California. ” She pauses.

“It was a beautiful place…before all this.” She says, resting the weight of her upper body on her arms.

I nod.

“ it was devistating, what the government did to the people. You’ll see them in maybe thirty miles.” She says watching me again.

I trace circles in the moss.

“That where we’re headed? Are you sure that’s smart?” I ask, unlacing my boots.

She nods.

“We are gonna go see the doctors I told you about.” She says, a slight smile flashes on her face.

“Ok. Then. We rest and go meet your doctor friends.” I say.

She climbs off the car and starts walking towards one of the larger buildings. I take that as my cue to follow.

Twenty-five

Location- Los Angeles, California

elaina

Ashton follows me into this huge building that was once an apartment complex. He helps me search for rooms that haven’t been destroyed or rummaged through. Which turned out to be quite the task, but we eventually found one Just before sundown. It was relatively clean for having been abandoned, and it hadn’t really been rummaged through. It was a large studio apartment with a lot of space. There was a queen size mattress in the left corner of the room, covered with the most beautiful green duvet. Two of the walls across from each other were gray and the other two were a seafoam green. White nightstands were on either side of the bed and there was no headboard. There were granite counter tops in the kitchen and the bathroom. And there was an island too. There was a white “closet” out in the open. It had a bunch of shelves and a place to hang your clothes. It was stocked with some jeans, shorts, oversized t-shirts, and undergarments. On the counter there was some men’s clothes strewn about.

“A couple?” He asks.

“ Honestly it looks like a girl owns the place, and a guy was staying over. Maybe.” I say back.

He walks over to the bed and collapses onto the blanket. A cloud of dust fills the air around him and he starts coughing.

I laugh.

“ get up and we’ll shake out the blankets and sheets.” I say.

He groans and climbs out of the bed. We shake the sheets out, then put them back onto the bare mattress. We then do the same to the duvet, and then we throw the pillows to get all the dust out of them.

twenty-six

Location- Los Angeles, California

Ashton

I woke up to the sun hitting Elaina’s cheek bones just perfectly. Sunlight peeks over the skyscrapers and apartment complexes. Reds and pinks blend into the horizon. I sit with my shoulders against the wall. The silence is so peaceful to me. The room slowly drops in temperature as the sun rises, the January air is not very helpful when there is no electricity. I turn to watch elaina as she sleeps, she looks so peaceful like this. She opens her eyes and looks up at me.the dazed look in her eyes puts a swarm of butterflies in my stomach. She rolls onto her side and wraps her arms around my waist.

“Good morning” she mumbles into my side.

“Morning” I say back, averting my eyes back to the city line.

The sun sparkles off of some of the windows on the buildings and little spots of snow dot the ground.

“Everything hurts” she says, rolling onto her back. She throws her arms down.

I laugh.

“I would assume everything would hurt.” I say still laughing.

“We hiked really far. 362 miles.” I say playing with her hair.

“Ughhhhhh!” She groans,looking up at me.

“ screw the government! Why can’t we just live here!” She half yells.

“Because…” “the guards hunting us will probably find this place” I say.

“You’re right but still. I just wanna rest”she whines.

I throw the blankets off of myself and walk across the cold floor. To grab my shirt off of the counter.

“Ashton…”I hear the awe in Elainas voice.

She’s standing behind me, Looking at the rawness of my healing scars.

“It’s fine” I say,rushing to answer the unasked question.

I rush to get my shirt on but she stops me. Her hands hit my shoulder blades. Palms soothing the itch and burn of my slashes.

The coldness of her hands is almost calming,I let her run her hands over my back. Her hands wander down to my torso and onto my abs. She turns me around,pushing me against the counter.

“They hurt.” She says. Her breath hitting my face.

I look down at her. Her eyes display a certain type of pain.

“No.” I say.

She laughs.

“What a strong boy. They hurt.” She says again.

I give a slight nod. My jaw clenches as she unintentionally pushes me further into the counter. Her hands move up to my chest, Holding me in place. I knew what she wanted to hear. She wanted me to tell her that it felt like pins and needles. That sometimes it felt like I was being stabbed. That I felt like fire was on my back, that I felt the burning crawl onto my sides. That I wanted to let it eat me whole. That I could scream. That the pain never stoped. She wasn’t going to get that from me though. She’d never get it out of me.

Twenty-seven

Location- Los Angeles, California

Elaina

I wanted the words to come out of his mouth. I wanted to hear him tell me that despite the fact his body was toned,and he was as muscular as he was. It hurt. I wanted to know what he was feeling. He was never going to tell me. Not unless I forced it out of him.

“Am I hurting you?” I asked. Noticing the clench in his jaw.

“No” his voice quivered.

I took a step back.

The new lashes came over the sides of his ribs, looking like flames crawling up a house. His back was purple and blue with patches of brown.dried blood was in patches over his skin. He was coated in chill bumps. You could see the pain in his eyes. You could see that he didn’t want me to see it.

I reached my hand up to his jaw,pulling his face towards me. I met his eyes. His beautiful eyes. They are this radiant green. He put his hands onto my back. Over my shoulders.

“It’s ok.” I pause.

“To say it hurts.” I finished.

He nods.

I stand up onto the tips of my toes, holding his jaw with both my hands. He hasn’t moved me since I stepped back. I am still a good foot and a half from him. His breath gets short.

“There’s gauze in my bag, and some Medical stuff, we can patch you up.Maybe you’ll feel better.”

He laughs.

“It isn’t that bad.” He says. His voice still husky from sleep.

I set myself back on my feet. It feels like he towers over me. His thick body radiates the warmth that I’m missing. I can feel the temperature dropping as Chill bumps surface on top of my skin. Despite the fact that I am in sweatpants and a hoodie. I am freezing.

Ashton is paying close attention to me.

I’ve let go of him and have both my hands wrapped around myself. His hands are clasped together as he’s leaning against the counter.

All of a sudden he just grabs me. He holds me in his arms. I have no choice But to put my arms around his neck for stability.

“What are you doing!” I squeal.

He just laughs and walks toward the bed.

He sets me down and pulls the big blanket over me.

“You are cold. Now you’re not.” He says.

He turns his back to me and goes to get his shirt from the counter. He gets it on and climbs back into bed with me.

“We need to leave soon.” He says. Laying flat on his stomach. Not underneath any of the blankets. I nod in agreement.

“But! We can rest for now.” I say.

He reaches an arm out and grabs my waist, Pulling me towards him. I slide across the mattress, into him. His warm body hugs into me. He plans small whispers of kisses over my cheeks as he holds me. I turn to face him and I take the opportunity.

“Let me look at it.” I said.

He ignored my words. Almost laughing at the idea of that scentance.

When I tried getting up he put his hands onto my hips and held me there.

“Nope.” He said.

“Yes.” I said.

“Its gonna get infected” i said again.

He laughed, slowly burying his face in the crook of my neck.

“You’re gonna get so cold though” he mumbles into me.

I laugh as his breath tickles my collar bone.

“I will be just fine. We can not have you slowing us down because you get sick” I say pulling away from him.

He hesitant lets go of my waist and pulls away from me.

“Fine.” He whines, rolling onto his back.

I noticed The pain he felt from such a simple movement. I hurry across the room, fighting off the cold. I grab a few packs of medical pads, some gauze, The stitching pack and a bottle of whiskey I had taken from the doctors house.

“Whiskey?” Ashton says, sounding shocked.

He watched me in such a curious way.

Twenty-eight

Location- Los Angeles, California

Ashton

Elaina poured the cold whiskey straight onto my back, almost with a lack of mercy. I felt my body tense up as she moved the cloth over my skin. When would this pain subside? Would it go away?

“It hurts. But you will feel better. Here.” She says, handing the bottle of whiskey down to me.

“You’ll feel better if you drink some.” She says again.

I take a big gulp of the drink and wince as I swallow. It burned. It didn’t even taste good. Why do people drink this? Though I didn’t want to believe it, I felt a lot less pain after it kicked in. It didn’t make me any less sore though.

When Elaina was done she lay down beside me. Watching as I traced patternes onto the back of my hands.

“We can stay for all of today. But we need to leave tomorrow” she says.

I nod.

The exhaustion hit me like a train. I felt so tired. So very tired.

There are a thousand pounds on my back and I cannot move. My legs are strapped to the bed and I feel my eyes start to close. The sleep comes in stealthily. Making me vulnerable, weak, stupid. But it is so nice. I can let myself dream of the life ahead of me. I can say that this happened.

Can’t I?

I try so hard to fight the sleepiness because it can’t be more that 2:00pm but there’s no use.

I woke up with beads of sweat crawling over my skin and chills creeping over my spine. The sky had darkened and Elaina was across the room.

She looked so pretty. So unaware of me. She was in some sweatpants and a long sleeve shirt. It looked to be from my bag. She hummed the rhythm of a children’s song to herself. Occasionally singing the lyrics that went along.

“London bridge is falling down

Falling down

London bridge is falling down

Falling down”

She sang the lyrics to herself in a sweet voice. Almost like it was a lullaby. She had her backpack open and was searching for crackers. Occasionally asking where they were. She held them up like a trophy when she found them.

Her silent victory was so careful not to wake me.

She had taken her hair down and let it fall over her in waves.

“Crackers for lunch?” I ask. Suddenly aware of the grogginess in my voice.

I pull myself up off the mattress to get a better view of her.

“It’s like 9:30. In the evening. You passed out a while ago.” She said, walking back over to me. Crackers in hand.

“And yes. We will have them for dinner.” She said while sitting down.

I laughed at her sarcasm. Given the situation I knew that we needed to leave early in the morning. As she split the crackers in half I found myself singing the second verse to that song.

“Build a bridge and lock her up.

Lock her up.

Lock her up.

Build a bridge and lock her up.

Lock her up.

My fair lady”

She stopped what she was doing as I sang the words under my breath. I looked up to find her watching me in a very content way.

“You okay?” I say.

“I didn’t realize my voice was that painful to hear.” I joke, as I see her face change.

She looks almost pained with some kind of memory.

“Yeah…” she says, only half in the moment.

“My um parents used to sing that to me when I was a kid. You just gave me flashbacks.” She says in a sad way.

She looks out the window at the moon and stars.

“You know they changed it?” She asks.

I shake my head.

“The Chicago bridge won’t fall down.

Won’t fall down

Won’t fall down.

The Chicago bridge won’t fall down.

My fair people.

Off the bridge you get locked up

Get locked up

Get locked up

Off the bridge you get locked up

My fair people.” She sings this in a mocking voice.

I nod in amusement.

“Why?”

“Because people were jumping. They wanted out and the government wasn’t giving in.” She says, leaning back onto the mattress.

I watched as her hair fell loosely over her upper body, like a blanket covering a child.

Her eyes sparkled as she spoke to me. Almost as if it never mattered what she was saying. It only mattered that she said it to me. She has these dimples and they become so prominent when you say something funny.

I felt myself get a bit tired as I heard her tell me what the government had done. I could feel the dizziness and the tiredness begin to surround me. She went on and on; explaining that they changed the housing and starved the people and…

“Ashton?”

Twenty-nine

Location- Los Angeles, California

Ashton

I dreamt of a million things. But the one I remember was this huge field. It was covered in all these flowers, forget me nots,roses,daisies, and tulips. Elaina had this beautiful dress on, it was white and it had these little flowers embroidered all over it. She was running her fingers over the stray weeds and those really tall white ones. I can’t remember the names of them. Her hair was blowing in the wind freely. She had this smile on her face that was just so…contagious. She was smiling so hard that you could see the muscles around her face flexing. But she laughed and her head tilted back as the sun covered her skin. She breathed in the air around her. I could hear a smaller laugh coming from my left and there was Sophie. Running towards me with the most excited look on her face, she jumped onto me so whiskey I fell into the flowers.

“Ash, I missed you so much!” She yelled as she held me.

Elaina stood watching, waiting. But silent tears ran down her face.

Sophie was suddenly gone and it was just us. Alone in a large field. The sun beating down on us, the wind blowing. A single willow tree stood accompanying us. It was so old and scarred . Damaged from its past. The branches let down long veins similar to that of hair.

Elaina had gestured for me to follow her underneath that tree.

She sat right underneath the heart of it, waiting. Wiping the tears from her face. I stood in front of her. Confused.

“What’s going on?” I asked her. Suddenly scared. Suddenly cold and hot and aware.

“I have to let you go.” She choked on her words.

“Ash, you’re sick. I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Please wake up for me.” She said, suddenly sobbing.

“Please wake up. Please” she begged.

I didn’t understand. I was awake. I was here. Wasn’t i?

“You have to wake up….” And she disappeared. Right in front of me. She just disappeared.

Thirty

Location- Los Angeles, California

Elaina

Ashton’s body looks weak and timid as he lay in a pool of his own sweat. I don’t know what to do. I can feel his pulse racing and his temperature climbing. I have no clue what this is. What is attacking him. But then I realize that I didn’t cover his wounds. I roll him half over and pull his shirt up to find his back swollen and red. The slashes covering him oozed in different places and in others they had begun to scab over.

Was he dying?

I began to plead with him.

“I need you ash. Get up. Wake up. Please! Just smile. Open your eyes. Be my ashton!” I begged. Hoping to wake him up but it was no use.

He would die. I was losing him… I sat on the floor beside him and grabbed one of his hands. I choked out sobs as I kissed each of his knuckles. Finally accepting my defeat. I leaned back near his head, still holding his hand. And I began to wonder. What are we worth…what do we live for. What is this life, the endless years of fighting yourself. Of loving someone else to be broken. Why is it that we spend so much time imagining what it is we want to do. What is it we want…what do we need? Do we need to be loved like the sun loves the moon. Or do we need to become reckless like the oceans. Do we let them swallow us? Or do we grow wings like an icarus. Do we fly towards the sun in hopes to save everyone else? If we do that, are we to accept our imminent death? Or do we fight for a life that isn’t worth living?

How can we love if we’ve never been loved. How can we be given a person’s heart if they are so fragile. How do we expect them to trust us if in the end… we both fall. Do we accept that? How do we accept that? How do you live when someone you love just…disappears. They just cease to exist. They are merely something that was once here. And all you are left with is the memories. What if they don’t die? What if all you’re left with is a body and no soul? How do I get that person back? How do I find him. Do I trust him and allow myself to fall? Or will he catch me?