Black and White
I don’t remember the exact moment I decided to change. I only know that at some point, I grew tired of being the reason people walked away. Tired of watching anger speak louder than my heart.
I used to be someone who was easily triggered, someone who could turn others into an emotional punching bag whenever anger took over. Even when I had a partner, someone I felt I could pour everything into, he often became the main target for all the frustration I carried inside.
Until one day, he got tired. Too tired to stay.
So he left.
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Being left behind is one of the most frightening things for me. It forces me to adapt again to unfamiliar routines, to days that feel strange and empty. This cycle repeated itself for a very long time, ever since I entered my first relationship.
But eventually, I grew exhausted. And I became afraid, afraid of being left again because of my own behavior. So I decided to work on myself, to be consistent, to make sure the same pattern would not repeat itself.
It’s a long story how I arrived at who I am today, a slightly better version of myself.
I find myself in awe of how far I’ve come. I can now regulate my emotions more thoughtfully. I’ve learned to look at problems through two different lenses, the negative and the positive. Because of this, when I find myself in situations I don’t want, or when things don’t go according to my plans, I’m no longer as reactive as I used to be. I’m calmer. I face problems with a steadier heart.
Since then, I’ve always believed that behind every failed plan, behind everything that doesn’t go the way I want, God must be preparing something good, something far more beautiful, something unexpected.
And it feels comforting. Because now, I can move through my anger quietly. Nothing spills out of me anymore, and no one has to bear the weight of my anger when it appears.
