DROWNING AND STAYING AFLOAT
The silence is deafening just like the thousands of thoughts running in my mind. It is difficult to differentiate between reality and imagination. The very task of survival is difficult. I am drowning in the abyss of my thoughts, struggling to stay afloat. Different types of thoughts are coming into my mind each taunting me in ways I never thought were possible.
The world is a very weird place. It is filled with people pretending to be someone they are not. Each day I realize that all those close to me are not who I think they are. It makes me conclude that it is better to stay closed off. After all, betrayal is inevitable. The better someone knows you, the more is the power that they hold over you. They know you in and out thus know what would hurt you more.
It is like going to a fight with weapons but without wearing armor.
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I don’t care or at least I pretend not to. I and my subconscious both know the effect that “their” words have on me. Even though I know “she” doesn’t mean it, I know that it is the truth. I have never known “her” to lie. Each of those words cut deeper than I thought they would. Each time “she” wishes for me to die, a part of me actually dies. I die emotionally if not physically.
It makes me wonder what use is living if nobody wants me around. I know people say that one should love oneself but it is hard to do that when all you are being told is that you are hated by everyone. It really doesn’t matter when people hate me, but the fact that even “they” do does make me hate myself even more than I already do. I might be overdramatic but it is all true.
I know I am at danger-danger from myself. My thoughts are mostly my reflection-most depicting how I view myself. I pray each night that “they” start trusting me. But I know it is all my wishful thinking. It is almost impossible to win back their trust after all I had done all those years ago. I am aware of the fact that they do not have an ounce of trust and respect for me(who would…after all I am a disgusting useless human being who doesn’t deserve to be alive).
