My periods and me.
I am 40+ and have two boys. One is a young teen, and the other; a few years away from becoming a teen. I have always wanted a daughter. When my younger one was born, I took a pink bow (So sexist) with me to the hospital. Nevertheless, as I said, I have two boys. Interestingly, everyone in our immediate family has girls.
About 2–3 years ago, all of us cousins were meeting at my mom’s place for dinner. A cousin of mine, has a daughter, almost the same age as my older one. Seeing all these children after a 2-year covid gap, was interesting. The had all grown up so big, so fast. Talking to my cousin that day, she mentioned that she had had her periods.
It hit me. My first thought to this was, I have boys, so my children will not have to go through this ever. OMG!
Something so deep, so invisible had been sitting inside of me, all of these years. My experience of periods had been a very tiring one. I had them when I was 11, still in class 5. I was probably too young to manage all of it. I started with cloth pads. I don’t think I was ready to start washing all of that blood of my body and off a rag of cloth.
Then there came stayfree, this time the ends of each pad were held by an elastic that we had to wear across our waist. The fabric was very cloth-like, but it would not stay put in one place, there were times when the string came off or broke. Every movement meant the pad might just move. Move to a better position or not, was to be realised only after it had already stained or not.
Then came whisper. I think it did change the way we Indians looked at periods from there on. Even though the texture was not paper-like, it did absorb better. Later they came with wings as well. Wings were like magic. Of course, they were expensive, super expensive. My parents, thereon were more than happy to buy them for me, simply to ensure accident-free periods.
Alas, that still never happened. The time I would stain, I was told “ ab to wings waale bhi le diye, phir bhi aise kyon hota hai”, again reminding me that they were expensive and much outside our family’s monthly budget. I carried on with my legacy. Waking up again and again, through the nights, so as to ensure I don’t soil the bed sheet. Being scared of going anywhere during my periods, what if I soil, someone else’s, sofa, chair, bed; or wherever I sat.
Then came the stomach ache that accompanied all of it. That excruciating pain, every single month, over and over again, without any escape. My family at that time did not really believe in allopathic medication, so all that could be done was to live with the pain. When it would hurt unbearable, my mom would cook up a concoction of ghee, ajwain, gud and badaam. It was sticky, and so rich with ghee and yuck to eat. It did help with the pain, but the side effect of this was a very heavy blood flow. Another challenge there.
I went to an all girls school. When I was in 8th, stayfree had arranged a talk for classes 6 and above, educating us on how our body worked. We were also given some free take home samples. The doctor who had accompanied the team, was open to questions at the end of the session. When I told her of the pain, she gave me a magic name ‘Meftal Spas’. That one name changed my life, though not up until I had the right to pick up allopathic medicines for myself, better than never.
Another life changing moment was the realisation of no periods during the 9 months of pregnancy. I was illuminated with that thought. This realisation was one of the wow moments of my life. There was not a thought about being a mother, or maternal instincts or having an actual baby in my arms for that matter. None of it mattered. The whole idea of just getting away from the periods was such a relief in itself.
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I got married, of course the quality of pads had now moved to another level. One could buy XL for the night or heavy flow. Pregnancy came soon after. I was working then and was told not to travel. This was just after the depression in 2008. My husband had lost his job, and I had to quit mine. The thought of the period-free months, never ever crossed my mind. It was much later when someone mentioned that they had had their periods after 6 months of delivery. For me, they had happened the first month itself.
My journey of pain, blood, shame and fear continued.
I was suggested the menstrual cup in 2018. It was another life-changing moment in my life. There were hiccups in the beginning, similar to anything else. The cup changed my life. I could swim with the cup inside! I felt rejuvenated by this one discovery. No, I was not elated to have my periods every month, but it did make life rash-free, sanitary napkin-free, swim-able and more party-ready.
In 2019, I skipped a period. Despite everything my gynac said, I knew I was not pregnant. Of course, I was right. Some medications came and I had my period after almost 60 days. Then 2 months down the line in another 15 days. Inside me, something had run havoc. Not that I knew what it was, or how to manage it. Back again to my gaynac, and she said it could be perimenopause since my mom too had her menopause in her 40’s.
As much as I had despised my periods, the whole idea of my body shutting down, was scary. Really scary. I had no intentions of another pregnancy, and the whole idea of the pain dispersing and the whole ordeal to end should have elated me. I did not feel elated.
If anything, I was scared of my body shutting down. Of the whole idea of “old” setting in; age setting in. It hit me hard. Putting myself together wasn’t easy, especially when another month down the line, COVID 19 hit. Locked up at home. Everyone at home, all of the time; with no me time and everything fell into utter chaos. 2022 September is when I overdosed on my pills. It was one of the lowest moments of my life.
(This story is not about that, so I am going to save that for another time.)
September I was hospitalised and October I turned 40. It seemed like everything around me was telling me, you are old now. Grow up. The acceptance of all these realities was way too hard. Nevertheless, when that did happen, the guilt started killing me. There wasn’t any escape. Depression seemed to be tightening its grip. As they say, once you hit rock bottom, there is no other way, but up. That is where I had to head.
Awakenings happen to me delayed and at random times. After 4 good years of my gynac telling me, I realised that all of this was perimenopause. The hot flashes, the depression, loss of memory, a spider web in my head, over and over and over thinking, unable to concentrate and whatnot else. For all of those frightful years, it seemed like the adverse effects of medication.
It has been easier to pin it on the perimenopause.
My journey with my periods has not ended yet. Not for another couple of years for now. Medications continue, and I swim with my cup inside.
