When The Party’s Over
When everyone is gone, when all the noise has died down, when all the fun comes to an end, I realize two fundamental things.
First, I realize how alone I am here.
No, I certainly don’t mean being literally alone. I know there are billions of people on this earth. It just that i’ve recently come to realize, at the end of the day, it’s just me.
Sure, I’ve met a lot of wholesome people. The precious ones. My days are filled with laughter, with people whose smiles I’d sacrifice my life to protect, people I’m genuinely grateful to have met. But people don’t just come into your life; they leave, too. Sometimes they choose to, and sometimes they have no choice. That’s just how life is.
At the end of the day, you only have yourself.
Somehow, that feels both oddly comforting and incredibly lonely. Beautiful, yet terrifying. The idea of always having yourself is nice, but then you realize that it also means you’re the only person you can truly count on. You’re the one who has to face your life. People will keep you company for a while, but they won’t always stay. They never really can. Not even your family.
Just thinking about it makes me panic.
Me? I have to rely on myself? Me? I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing. How am I supposed to face all of this?
It feels impossible.
But somewhere along that train of thought, my mind reminds me of what I’m capable of.
No, I’m not a genius. No, I still don’t know what I’m doing. I still fail a lot. Sometimes, I take on more than I can handle. I’m not particularly strong, either.
But one thing is certain: I survive.
I’m still here, still alive after everything life has thrown at me. Even though I’ve failed more times than I can count, I can still smile. I can still hold on. I cry, I laugh, I smile. I’ve experienced all kinds of emotions, yet I’ve never truly given up on myself.
Get Neveapoetry’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
I still choose to face life, no matter how scared I am, no matter how hurt I feel, no matter what happens. I keep facing whatever life has to offer me, even when I have no idea how things will turn out.
And that’s a part of myself I’ve never really stopped to acknowledge, let alone appreciate.
I guess it’s okay to rely on myself. Even with all my failures, even on my worst days.
Everything will pass. Life isn’t always as serious as we make it out to be. We never really know what life has in store for us. It’s scary, sure, but the fear won’t last forever. Sometimes, the scariest things lead us to the most precious moments and teach us the most beautiful lessons.
Every failure, every laugh, every person who came into my life, and every person who left has shaped me into who I am today.
And I guess that’s the second thing I’ve learned.
There is no such thing as a life without pain, but even the painful parts can make life more precious.
I may not always know how to face what comes my way, but I know I’ll find a way to get back up again. I may break, I may cry, and I may lose my way for a while, but I’ve made it through every difficult moment I’ve faced so far.
Maybe that’s what I should have been appreciating all along. Not that I’m strong enough to never fall apart, but that even when I do, I still find a way to keep going.
So, maybe it’s okay not to have everything figured out. Maybe it’s okay to be scared of the future, to feel lonely even when surrounded by people, and to admit that relying on yourself is both a beautiful and terrifying thing.
Because life will keep changing. People will come and go. Things won’t always turn out the way I want them to.
And that’s okay.
I don’t have to know what I’m doing all the time. I just have to keep living, keep learning, and keep giving myself the chance to experience whatever comes next.
After all, the things that scare me today might become the memories I’ll be most grateful for tomorrow.
And if there’s one thing life has taught me, it’s this:
I may not always be able to face everything that comes my way, but I know I’ll find the strength to get back up again. And even the things that hurt me can become part of what makes this life so beautiful.
