What if I fail to run an Ultra?
What if I fail to run an Ultra?
I currently ask myself in a daily inner dialog while running, lifting weights or sitting on the toilet.
One and a half years ago I was not even running, maybe casually to avoid missing the train to work, but certainly not regularly. When signing up for a Spartan SUPER, a 10k (kilometer) obstacle race in Mallorca (Spain) in March 2023, ultra marathons were beyond my grasp and consciousness.
After several months of training that made me question my life choices several times, I was feeling like a walking advertisement for determination, ready to crush my first Spartan Race. But guess what? Reality had a surprise in store for me, and it wasn’t exactly a welcome mat; it was more like a reality slap right across the face in the form of repeated up- and downhill runs.
F*** this s***!, why am I doing this?, I will never do this again!
I said to the person, who thought it was a good idea to sign up for this. The “calm me” responded quickly, pointing out that screaming at myself will not get us out of this and it is inevitably to continue to run or suffer, depending on which inner voice I ask. Instantly, it is body vs. mind, debating whether it is worthwhile to continue and why we started this in the first place.
This inner fight continued until we reached the finish line, where suddenly the two politicians in my mind merged into one, and the “I” in “we” returned. And still there were no answers to the mid-race questions that have been debated over and over. Yet, something was gained, found or even learned…
It hit me when my eyes scrolled over an email, informing me that only a few points are needed to qualify for the Spartan European Championships 2023, a so-called Spartan BEAST, an obstacle race over 21k.
I can’t pull this off, or can I?
In a blink of an eye I found myself on my way to a Spartan Race in Munich, ready to qualify… AND I DID!
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Never have I ever run more than 12km, so 21km is fine, isn’t it?! There is nothing to lose, or is it?… aaaand here we go:
What if I fail to run the Spartan BEAST?
It took me 5h 42m 41s, an overwhelming amount of “before 6am”-training sessions and two broken toenails to not find the answer to that question (ARE YOU KIDDING ME?).
So picture me at the finish line with tears in my eyes, not because I couldn’t crack the question, but because in that moment, I sensed a spark igniting within me. It was like my inner me did a happy dance or maybe it was just the ‘runners-high’ hitting me like a freight train. Either way, it was an indescribable rush, a feeling that whispered, “You’re alive!“
Who knew an obstacle race could be so emotional, did you?
Looking back at the fearful question, “What if I fail…?” prior to every race, only to prove that there was nothing to worry about in the first place, I began to realize that if you want something bad enough, you know deep within you, that you can achieve it. So as for that question about failure, it turns out to be wasted energy, since when it comes to your goals, you are both, the director and the actor². Realizing this, made me deeply think about the key mantra of the Spartan Races:
“You will know at the finish line.” — Joe De Sena
And guess what, it happens that you will know. You will realize that it is possible to pull off something that seemed to be out of your grasp, that you did not fail and that your potential is not measured by your limited understanding of yourself and your abilities. You realize that your initital estimations about your physical and mental potential could not be more far apart from reality and that there is potentially more.
Thus, all this time, I have been asking myself the wrong question — a question that remains unanswered as long as you embrace the relentless pursuit of progress. Ultimately, I have to ask myself:
What if I succeed to run a Spartan ULTRA?
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¹ Picture was bought as part of the foto-flat offer on https://www.sportograf.com/de/event/8166
²Pinero, E. (2017). Refuse to Fail — Motivational Video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ud5m4oaBrUY
