Doors cover Horrors
My prayers have finally been answered and I am able to move out of my ex’s place. The church I attend just started a single mom’s program and a spot became available. I was so excited that I didn’t mind I had to pack, load the moving truck, unload the truck and unpack all by myself. This was a new beginning for my kids and I, nothing could bring me down.
On the first night of moving in, there was probably some warning signs. My roommate tells me to come in her room for her to show me a pregnancy test. I am just in shock, I just met her, I don’t know how to react. Then my daughter runs into the back of the dining chair and needs to get stitches on her eyebrow. I don’t have a vehicle, so I have to call her dad to take us.
On the third day of living there, the lady running the single mom’s program shows up to the house. Her name is, “R”, and she says she she has to show us something but we need to drive there. My kids and I get in “R”’s car and my roommate and her son get in their car to follow. On the way to the “surprise”, “R” tells me we are moving into another home.
Feeling safe and having stability left my body. I just finished unpacking and already threw out all my boxes. I am panicking and so upset, but nothing shows on my face. She drives us to a house I recognize. My mom and I cleaned it for “R” to earn extra cash. We cleaned for eight hours straight and was shorted a hundred bucks.
“R” and her daughter are realtors and have properties all over. This house was one of their properties and they wanted to move us here so they didn’t have to deal with the landlord from the house we were currently living in. I knew the house was clean, since my mom and I did it, but I was not happy. The location was by a busy street, the yard had dog shit and glass in it, and the kitchen was so tiny.
My roommate and I speak to another church member apart of our single mom’s program about the moving situation. We tell her about our concerns and she advocates for us after she sees the home they wanted us to move to. We were currently in a nice neighborhood, quiet street, and the house was a lot nicer, it felt like a home. The homeowner left the measuring markings on the door frame from when her children were growing up. I wish I had that for my kids.
All while this is going on, I am trying to get back into nursing school start EMDR therapy. I would have sessions once, sometimes twice a week for a solid two years straight. While I am trying to finish an accelerated nursing program I am also uncovering doors in my therapy sessions. Doors that compartmentalized memories of horrors.
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Sometimes I would enter a memory, panic at what I am seeing and leave, but there would be times I would have to stay in the memory. Not one part of me wants to stay, but I do, because I want to heal and get better. Sessions would take a lot out of me. I would lay in bed and cry, doom scroll, or workout. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, why did this happen to me.
Don’t we all love a good twist in the story, don’t we love the unexpected? Like the ending of Saw or We Were Liars; it was an ending you didn’t expect. I love guessing the ending or solving the mystery before the movie or show ended. I would go through all the scenerios to solve the mystery and enjoyed it. I did, I do, but not this. I did not see this coming, I never expected this, and I don’t want to believe it even when everything inside of me is telling me this is true.
I was raped by my best friend’s dad. This is true.
I was raped by people I don’t know. This is true.
I don’t know how many people I have been with, unwillingly. This is true.
As a child, I attended orgies with adults and children. This is true.
I repressed these memories for fifteen years. This is true.
I survived by repressing these memories, now that they are uncovered, will I still survive?
