Responsibilities
Sometimes growing up feels overwhelming. In one way or another, I constantly reminisce about the days when I didn’t know what the word responsibility meant. There was not a care in the world, I didn’t have to answer to anybody. All my future looked like what my next day is going to be and what I am going to play with my friends.
Nostalgia is a bitch. But in a way, it has been my saviour also.
When life gets too hard, all I do is close my eyes and imagine the time when I used to laugh the loudest my tiny body could and when I would go to sleep looking forward to the next day. Even the rainy days seemed to be shining with glee and hope. I knew I was safe, I knew no matter what, tomorrow was going to be good.
I didn’t know why I always dreamt of growing up. While it has its own perks, I don’t remember the last time I went to sleep without caring about anything. There are always reminders, there are always alarms that constantly go off, deadlines about certain things reminding me how quick I am running out of time.
My therapist would probably chide me, telling me to live in the present. And I am so grateful for the life that I have. My relationship with my parents got better that felt impossible at the age of 15. I have the sweetest boyfriend who is always there for me, the most adorable yet grumpy cat my childhood self always wanted, and I finally have the friends I always dreamt of while watching Disney shows, wondering if life could be this way. (Touchwood)
The 15 year old me wouldn’t even believe the life that I have now. It would feel like a dream to her. But 20 year old me just wants to pause time. Even if it’s for a little while, I want the world to stop. And I want to breathe, without worrying about what tomorrow holds. It’s so hard to find positives in everything.
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So I won’t.
I think I need to tell myself that it’s okay to look at a situation without wearing rose coloured glasses. To not romanticize every hardship that needs to be endured. This year has been hard, and I’ve faced a lot of challenges I never even thought of. I’d have to sit with feelings I never wanted to and face the ghosts of my past that I kept running from, making it impossible for me to focus on the now. No matter how I wanted healing to be linear, it never was. Often, I would feel wise, feel like now I know how to live in this world, how to be happy and to let go of control. And sometimes, it went right back to square one, making me run back to the past that never really was kind to me. The hurt, the pain and the anxiousness of completing my tasks would catch up to me on a random Tuesday, while watching my favourite series with my favourite ice cream. It felt like if I didn’t, my world would truly end.
Sometimes, the responsibilities felt great. It made me realise how capable I was, making me feel on the top of the world. It would lift my mood and motivate me to do things, as if I could achieve everything I would set my mind to. Other times, it felt so heavy that it made it impossible to even do one menial task. The thought of it alone exhausted me.
My relationship with responsibilities has always been a complicated one.
Maybe it will always be.
But hey, that’s for 25 year old me to figure out and know.
For now, all I can do is give myself some grace and show myself some kindness for handling everything in the best way I could.
And if you’re feeling the same way I am, then you’re not alone. Pat yourself on your back for enduring it so well.
~ Nico ❤
