The Most Loyal Staff Member of All Time
Once upon a time, there was a staff member named Cico Phant. The only reason Cico Phant has taken time off is that King Pangnapa personally had to come to her library and convince her to take time off (this was after months of her colleagues, the union, and HR trying). This is the email she sent once to her colleagues:
From: cicophant@kingpangnapa.org
Subject: I’m going on vacation :(
Hello team,
Our lord and savior has beckoned me to take a week off. I will still be at the branch, but as a patron.
Cheers
Cico Phant
Senior Librarian
The Domain of Librarians
And she was literally in the branch from 10 AM to 7 PM as a patron; she even helped with some shelving, for fun.
On snow days when the library had to close, she would come to help the facilities clean the snow in front and shovel.
On her 69th month of service (her goal is to retire at her 420th month of service), she got a tattoo of King Pangnanpa on her lower back. Cico Phant wanted all potential partners to know that she is first and foremost loyal to the library and to King Pangnapa’s mission. Date with a famous celebrity? Pfft, xyz branch will have to close early if she doesn’t volunteer herself to work that day. The domain of librarians is more important than any hot date. Her dream date would be with King Pangnapa, but she knows he cannot take a Queen, because it would be unfair to all.
She only shops at library shops; all of her clothes are library-related (whether summer reading t-shirt, advocacy), and every day she wears a library shirt.
She has a tramp stamp of King Pangnapa on her lower back.
During her lunch break, she follows all the branches on social media and spends her time liking what the other branches post. Foodwise, she steals from the fridge. She sometimes even registers for various virtual programs across the system to participate as a patron. The documentary, Ex Libris, is her favorite movie of all time. She has seen it at least 100 times.
Cico Phant has worked in librarianship since obtaining her working papers at age 14. She majored in Library Science for her Bachelor's and went straight to library school after that. She currently owes 666k on her student loans. She lives in a tiny studio, where it’s literally just a bed in the room. She uses library banners for outreach as her blanket. All of her decorations are, of course, from library shops.
As a colleague, Cico Phant is on nearly all the committees. Summer reading, anti-prom, she is there. Sometimes, she’ll be in two meetings at once, with one meeting with volume, and the other she’s reading the captions. When it comes to patrons, to be honest, they are kind of freaked out by her dedication and loyalty to the library, so even the most emotionally disturbed patrons leave her alone. It got to the point where, even though she was available to help the next person, people would wait for her colleagues instead.
And thus, this is where our story actually begins. The following story can happen in any library, at any time.
“Alright, Cico Phant, it looks like we need your help. Mr. Grumpypants will be under your training tomorrow,” said Cico Phant’s manager.
“But… Mr. Grumpypants? He is my arch-nemesis!”
Mr. Grumpypants, as that is legit his name (Mr. is the first name), was indeed Cico Phant’s archenemy. For the two were complete opposites. If Cico Phant loved the library, then Mr. Grumpypants hated it.
Mr. Grumpypants hated the library so much that he purposefully ripped up a random book, just so he had an excuse to withdraw it. He even once “accidentally” lost an entire stack of library card applications from outreach he was supposed to do. Library t-shirts? Pfft, free cleaning rags. Every day, he prayed to the capitalist Gods for there to be a power outage, as he has zero hours of sick leave and vacation because he uses them as soon as he gets a chance.
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“Please, Capitalist Gods. We know if libraries were formed today, they wouldn’t exist. Please, let there be a power outage. I hate the library so much, even though I work here. It is my life mission to ensure the library ends with me. Give me the strength to end this socialistic stain on society, mwahaha!” he laughed evilly in his prayer.
He cried when he learned the library would no longer charge overdue fees. He cursed out liberals and blamed cancel culture for this.
His hatred for the library goes even further; he got a tattoo on his arm that says “KING PANGNAPA SUCKS,” which he proudly displays. The proudest moment in his career was when he sent this email to King Pangnapa and didn’t get reprimanded for it:
From: mrgrumpypants@kingpangnapa.org
Subject: I hate you
You are the worst. The library is the worst. King Pangnapa shall be no more.
You suck,
Mr. Grumpypants
Corporate Librarian
The Domain of Librarians
What he didn’t realize was that after he sent that email, the library Gods knew that Mr. Grumpypants needed to be in the same room as Cico Phant, and thus now this story can finally take place in the present.
“Ugh,” Mr. Grumpypants held his nose as soon as he walked in. “It reeks of loyalty here! Take that library t-shirt off!”
Cico Phant frowned, “And it reeks of corporate greed in the library of all places. You are to be under my training.”
“Yes, it seems King Pangnapa has a backbone after all, stupid penguin. Well, you’re not making me do anything extra today, sycophant.”
Cico Phant’s manager interrupts: “If you don’t comply with everything Cico Phant tells you to do, the Library Gods will have it seen that you will be sent to the domain of darkness.”
“The Library Gods SUCK! Very well, young lady, though I won’t be listening.”
The first thing Loyalty made Mr. Grumpypants do was explain step by step how to reset a patron’s forgotten email password.
“Thank you, sir. Now I can apply for jobs!” The patron was grateful, which gave Mr. Grumpypants a weird, funny, tingly feeling in his heart.
Mr. Grumpypants walks back to the desk. “What was that I just experienced?”
“The power of servitude, which libraries are known for!” Cico Phant responds.
“Bb-but… humans… they’re supposed to kill and murder each other all the time for profit!”
“Some of them are good.”
“No… not all of them.”
Author's Note: And this is where I couldn’t continue writing this story anymore. Not sure if it’s worth finishing this one.
