Mar 4
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I eat one sad meal a day, so I won’t slip completely back into unhealthy world. Progress is noticeably slower, but at least I don’t give up completely. Sometimes I can’t wait for the sad meal, sometimes I don’t even feel like eating it today. Sweets though are always welcome in my mind. Always hated the look of the raw dead meat, especially after third pregnancy. During which strange visions of me cutting up my belly with a child inside popped out each time I will cut chicken or turkey meat. Since then I always have to make an effort to make myself work with dead bodies of chickens. Today was that day, and funny enough while cutting that stinky corpse I was thankful that I don’t have to eat it after it is cooked. Also I’m relieved that my kids don’t like meat much. Each time I’m a bit surprised by it, because in my childhood — meat was the best part of the meal, be it soup or gravy on potatoes. Two out of three kids just don’t like the taste of meat, and the third one, my daughter consciously rejects food that contains any used to be alive creatures. She made that choice when she was 6, after seeing a full lamb leg roasted for the Easter in one of our friends’ houses. I support her in that, but try not to make a fuss about it. I’m happy for her and a bit sad for myself, because when I was little and refused to eat animals and went on a strike fasting for a few days, my mom forced me to eat meat. She made my favorite meal, and was begging/insisting/pushing me to eat it for many hours and may be days, until I gave up, since there was nothing else to eat except that. After that she started to teach me to cook meat from scratch. I remember vividly, how sick I was holding dead bodies, sick of its smell and blueish color, how I made myself to get over it, inventing games with it, to distract myself and get used to it. I don’t blame my mom, I know she tried to do her best for me and that was her idea of the best, but also I’m a bit sad. Anyhow, now I can choose for myself what to eat and not to eat, so that’s a relief.
