Wildfire
There is burning fire inside me. Neverending. An untamable wildfire, that has been Burning for ever, all my life.
I can’t tell you when it started. It has always been within me. Sometimes it spreads so far and wide that all I’m left with is the blackest of smokes and ashes spread far in the wind.
There are times where it consumes me. It takes everything from me. Whenever it burns bright, my world tilts on in axis, it confuses me and makes me lose all my sense of direction and focus. On those days, the fire burns forever, the heat scorches my soul, and it makes me want to destroy everyone and everything good in my life, with the poison in my tongue.
Yet, I never give in, no matter how imposible it feels, how much I have to wrestle with the feeling of an uncontrollable wrath, that only wants to break, to destroy, to undo everything good I have ever built.
Most of the times its like the fire from a chimney in a cold winter night, warm, inviting and cozy. It warms me and reminds me that I am alive and that I am human. It reminds me not to let my boundaries be crossed or supress my feelings.
It is very very easy when the flames get hotter and hotter and consume everything in their path, to hold on to that feeling. It is so so easy… to just be consumed by the endless anger, starving of things to break and destroy beyond repair. To make the rest of the world burn and die.
I know how the fire started and I also know how it got bigger, and for years the anger and the flames festered, with no control and no clear path. Neverending. Destroying me in the process, tainting my very heart of the blackest of blacks.
The Embers were meant to love me unconditionally and nuture me… yet they didn’t know how to, because they themselves had been emotionally starved and represed for so long that they started to normailize things. They tried to show me how to be tough by trying to show me the world was a merciless place. They started the fire, and left me with no tools to extinguish the fire.
I was on my own, trying to breathe through the heavy smoke, it filled my lungs and changed me. The heat burned my skin and left permanent scars in my soul. I had too many open wounds… and no way to how close them.
In the early years, I became one with the fire. I burned, bright and so so very hot. I caused a lot of hurt, just because my wounds were open and bleeding and I could always feel the scorching heat, burning me alive and making me spew lava from my mouth.
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The years went by and I kept burning, it was a never ending pain and suffering. At first I didn’t realize I how bad I was hurting and I didn’t realize how far the lava had gotten and how it had hurt others around me. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment, or what led me to it, I can only pinpoint the moment the hurt, the anger and the fire had become to much of a burden for my charred hands to carry.
In just one moment, I had an epiphany. It made my world turn 180 degrees. Made all my wild erratic thoughts come to a sudden stop. For the first time I didn’t see the world in hues of reds, black and grey. I could only see clearly the aftermath of what I had become.
For the briefest, yet longest of times, I saw myself standing in a field of ashes, trees without leaves and a grey dark ominous sky, no sun to be seen…. I was alone. I felt the weight of my anger, of my hurt and of every wound I had inflicted in the people surrounding me. It almost broke me.
In that moment, forever frozen in time, I let myselft feel the grief for what I had become, for what I had lost, for my wounds and for all the pain I had inflicted on others.
Then came the raging anger. I was so lost in my need to punish the Embers that started the fire that I almost destoyed them. It took me a long long time to realize that, even though they started the fire, my wounds and hurt were my own.
I grieved again. Despite everything, I loved deeply those Embers, they breathed me life and taught me many good things. I could see my pain, but I could also see theirs. I could se the neverending cycle of hurt. I could see it clearly, restarting itself…. and I wanted nothing to do with it anymore.
I decided to heal. At first I didn´t know where to start or how to go about healing, I just knew I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own. Not anymore. Never again.
So I went looking for butterflies. I knew that they were master guides. I knew they would help me heal and help understand myself and my wounds. They would give me the tools to control the fire.
The first butterfly I found was kind of a miss, it made everything worse and wasn’t able to help me. Undiscouraged, 1 year later I found a nice colorful butterfly, with big wings and a lot of wisdom to share. She is a great great listener. She allowed me to let out all the lava, in a safe controlled space, until only small embers remained of the Wildfire that had been consuming me for years.
My wounds started to close and scab over. It wasn’t an easy process. It has been 5 years sin the start of that journey, with my dear friend with wings. There are times when the flames grow uncontrollably again and the Wildfire reignites again just as hot as I remember. Though now I don’t let it consume me. I have come to understand that whenever the fire burns brighter and hotter… a new wound has appear or an old one has reopened.
During my journey I learned to forgive the Embers. Not because I have forgotten all the pain they’ve caused me., but because I love them. I still see clearly their pain and their bleeding wounds. I know they are hurt too and they either are unwilling to heal or don’t know how to.
It hasn’t been easy, and I don’t think it will ever get easy. But it is so worth it to breathe unfiltered clean air. Nowadays I see the world in the hues of every color that exists. Now I laugh and love more autentically and stronger than ever before.
I have learnt to heal my wounds the minute they appear, no matter how small or big they are. I have learned to be in synchronicity with myself. The Wildfire is always there, in the background, and I don’t think it will ever go away, yet I know it doesn’t have the power to burn and destroy me anymore.
