engineering of essences
my mind grapples with the idea that this life, for me, purposefully, purportedly, specially, specifically, not uncommonly is created for the purpose of edibling things. convincing myself after 10, 50, 20 times of experiencing it that this is it. i know what it is. i know what it is. alright it might not encompass your experience of it. but i will have the experience down pat.
now when i think this i feel bad. i feel i am reducing things. completing things. finishing things. experiencing life as if it’s a series of obstacles to be navigated. my eyes are darting back forth from this screen to the clouds that seem to, as rays of sunshine, whose essence has been distilled into artwork, might. like stripes. emanating stripes widening from center to wide.
the sky at times feels like a screensaver that the overlords decide. sorry overlords sounds grim. the gods. simulation overlording gods. idk. i have to imagine they’s benevolent. but . ugh. i think my mind just recalled a specific embarrassing event from this early eve. calling it afternoon does not do it justice. coz i had already afternooned by this point. i was onto my evening actives.
idk. embarrassed. is this annoying for the reader? i would imagine it is. if i reread this in a few years it might. some days i know exactly what i was thinking feeling, experiencing, describing when i have gone back to reread something. other days it’s like .. this was written by someone i no longer can have been. dunno.
bear with me ok. nontoxic possibly toxic, perhaps more than toxic embarrassing must has plagued my life. i like expressing. i like giving everything my brain has to give. not from a let me empty or deplete coz it’s annoying when full. more like how a mother might delight in the child’s experience and never tire of it. other than biological limits. practical limits. or maybe if after a certain point the newness, the wonder, the awe reaches a limit. asymptotic.
i’m so mournful. a life i have lived. but not full of love, not like i would have been. more of lessons. of lives unlived. regrets, and mistakes. too much pain, too much pressure, too much tension even. regardless of the fact that i thought i was handling it. and perhaps had some people convinced. or maybe i never did. and they wanted to want the best. believe the most. think the best. idk. when do you cross the line into evil?
is it after much disappointing. much .. disgusting. much angering? there is harming, yes. but would you be consdiered eveil had you hadn’t mastery or reign over it. that it might have been in pursuit of understanding the self. and yet it had been happened in a way most evil. i hear a cat, wailing in the distance.
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i dunno if i can forgive that piece that resonates with the way the cat feels. you evil person. how dare you act in accordance with your evil personhood. your punishment was not enough. it wasn’t. but you felt completed. punishment completed. you felt redeemed. redemptial completed. never bother. no matter. all you are is evil. my girl. that’s all you are is evil. pitiable. like voldemort.
why does punishment feel accessible. why since then does the guilt not be so guiltable. did we shut it down since then. that experience. of empathic guiltable. why was that the experience of empathy so guiltable. im in mumbai. it’s night. marine drive. there’s a plane just above in my current line of sight. but i’m in mumbai. it’s night. marine drive.
diary of a. idk. what that next word is. the title. the becomer. i only know failure. i know i said a work in progress. but that’s not what i am. mad is not the whole truth of how i am. in love. but that’s the verbening. of what i am. unavailable. i’m unavaiable. adjectivetudinally.
i’m not certain. i know people ask who am i. they answer oh i’m a spiritual being having a human experience. oh i’m awareness. i’m consciuosness. yes. all that yes. why can’t my identity be something else. what if i don’t want. ugh i couldn’t even finish that sentence for fear of what i can get inviting in if i do finish that sentence. what if one feels responsible for all ill-will that’s been befallen. i know i always try to beat my personal record for the number of minutes that will be estimated on the article. i think 5 or 6 has been it thus far. can i hit double digits.
this whole thing started — also btw my palm has a sharp pulling tingle type sensation. and my jaw is constricted. clenched. a choice or habit. outside the sun is set. lights have come on. street and otherwise. or like solar powered ones. timed ones. who cares.
i like life, yes. but at the same time, i like the idea of instant gratification. i know i won’t like it at least based on a number of movies with that idea. also knowing that the nervous system doesn’t like work that way. and still. idk. there’s a sense of unknowing that’s discomfiting. not the kind that wants the answers. but the kind that assumes certainty is safety. knowing what’s coming is what keeps us safe.
i assume even as i don’t recall any accounts i may have come across, that this is a tension we have had to navigate as a human society for many ages. i am having exactly the type of experience known to be had by humans. and what of fawns and deer. what of themselves and safety do they experience. there is much to be had on this land here planet. even if tis a simulation. it’s like a robust as heck simulation. a game. find this. do that. go here. uncover that. idk. it can keep you occupied a while. and then you die and your bits and molecules go to become another self. or non-self. who cares. but it’s brilliant isn’t it. the system. or maybe it’s not. i can’t tell. maybe for the level of intelligence that “god” possessed, this is pretty like standard.
my theory was that we’re in a simulation whose purpose is to find common ground to solve the environmental crisis. to see if we survive climate change. that there’s a whole bunch of nested simulations. i’m sure i have not had an original thought when i say this. i have had thoughts of different handicaps and designs and fail-safes. idk. that are built in. and even if that is the case. i suppose it’s nothing other than something to pass the time. contemplating that. during in between times. an amusement to get that dopamine hit? or access to a collective consciousness that knows what is and what isn’t.
philosophizing is so ick. being small, so ick. vulnerable. so. ick. even with all this. you can still be left wanting. and people imagine that humans never stop wanting. i don’t think that’s the case. i think it’s that we don’t get our needs. we don’t get what safety means. and if we did. if we contemplated this. we would reach a place that feels satisfactory. that feels amazing. but even that, idk it brings a sadness with it. that the struggle is done. the journey of finding is done. the completion is done. idk. the grief of it feels too big to fit. the overness of it. like why. you know what it’s time for. to eat. and maybe join a zoom meeting. goodnight
