A life so Wild
I am at that point. I just don’t care. I don’t want to be in this relationship, and that’s just it. My boyfriend still loves me very much, and that’s the hardest part. How do you leave someone who loves you and whom you deeply love because you just want to? How do I break this news to my 4-year-old? That I want to leave.
You are a good man, my love; you show up for our family in the most vital of ways. I love the way you love me. The kindness and responsibility that you have for our family. The way you love and adore our son. I love everything about you. But I have also realised that I am not in love with you. Those little butterflies I am supposed to feel, they are not there.
I chalk it up to the fact that our relationship was a rushed one. I hadn’t taken time to resolve my past relationship; I then entered this new relationship. I should never have done that. You did not deserve that. No one deserves that. Yet I did it.
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The saying “hurt people, hurt people”, resonates. In my time of being broken and hurt, I used you to heal myself. Now that I am healed, I know that this is not what I want.
This is not the life that I envisioned for myself. I want to be out in the world; I want to explore towns, to drink tea on the train, go on boat rides on the river and stop to pick some flowers on the riverbank. I know there is much more to this life than what I am currently experiencing. I know Jane Austen did not sell me dreams. I want to see the world.
But you, my love, want to get married and have babies; you want to be with your lover for life. You want to wake up and make breakfast for the love of your life, then giggle about how silly the kids are being. You want to tell jokes and hear the whole house roar with laughter. I am reminded of The Greatest Showman: my love, this is your dream life. As for me, I want to go out and be the wildflower. I want to wake and have no sense of direction; I want to be confused by the world. I want to question everything I come across. I want to feel emotions so deeply that they drive me mad.
I want to be 70, sitting on my recliner chair and wondering if I made the right choices by living a life so wild. I want to think about the many adventures I took and giggle at how silly I was thinking that I would be able to conquer the whole world. But that is what I want, to be so maddened by my desire to find pieces of myself that will make me whole. A single love will never make me whole. That I have come to know, because if it were true then I would never have started writing again.
