I studied myself.
Do we really know about ourself? How? There is no right and wrong answer about who we really are. No one could validate it. But, guess what? It seemed like we discover ourself through observation and awareness.
Days, weeks, and months had passed. There is so many things that I’ve learned about myself through activities and adventures.
To start, it is about the time I did my classwork. It was about stock trading. Haha, I knew from the start that I have not any skill to do it. I’m bad at calculating and analyzing these stuff. Not going to lie, there was people and technology helped me to finish it (well, yeah, I didn’t really do it to learn, I just wanted to submit the works =D). But, later then, I had an urge to take my mind to it. I wanted to learn why everyone doing it and I wanted to know: what if I know how. And, surprisingly, I was obsessively into it. I learned about how I react. In psychological matter, I could see that stock trading wasn’t a good choice to me because it drives me to be greedy. The obsession to put money and all-the-time watching graphs seemed so unhealthy for me. Maybe there are people that could do it but I guess I am not. Greens and reds took my energy a lot that concludes that investing should be done with good analysis (including our risk appetite and management) and money that actually budgeted to investing pocket.
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I found that it is so not me when someone micro-manage or dictate me. Being mindful is a goal for me. It seems like it is easier for me to be responsible for what I did because I decide to do it. It helps us to do blame game less. Also, if we do something as someone dictated us, it made us to be reliant and difficult to reach self-sufficiency. Well, how I understand it is we may not be able to put a definition and reflect on ourself when we experience it. It is still our free will to decide if we go with their way or not, it is still our choice yet we could really know the process wholly. Along with that, as written in the books of The Courage to be Happy by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, self-sufficiency is the core to live and I agree with that.
In the same book, I also learn how to see love and interpersonal realtionship. Love is a job for two. We should be able to divest ourself. To do that, we have to be brave because there is no “me” anymore. It will be “us”. So, I think I will not want anybody that still have not reached their “me” and brave enough to love. It took a lot of courage to do that. While finding that, I also have to find my own. It is still on progress. To love was easy for me. I have a big compassion to do it then. Now, I’ve been growing and I learned that I also need to be loved. I believe that how I love is also how I want to be loved. So, I didn’t want to be in a surface, I want to deep dive. Well, although, it needs more time to unpeeling the layers.
What I have learned next is when I did a vacation. I learned that I love anything with experiences. I am not afraid to spend moneys to afford experience. It may took a lot of energy and effort as a trade-off, but I value memory and exploration so much. I generally see experience as an input to reflect and learn about live, love, and anything in between.
The list will go on as long as I live. Maybe this also help you to see other’s life or reflect to it. Or maybe this could drive you to reflect on what you’ve already done past few days, weeks, months, or years.
