Thyroid Diaries
A woman’s journey of healing…
03/09/2016
I don’t know how to do this, but something inside me does.
I know what it feels like to feel desperate for change. I yearn for change in my health. Always looking for improvement; always looking for the cure and often feeling like I am in a constant state of disappointment.
I’ve had Thyroid disease since I was 36 years old. I am now 49 years old and I still battle with the symptoms almost daily.
I feel like I’ve tried everything; low calorie diets, frequency machines, supplements, different medications, the list goes on and on.
I’ve consumed endless information on YouTube and websites, trying to figure how to end the suffering.
I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one. I’m pretty sure that there are so many others going through what I am going through. We suffer in silence. Not wanting to be Debbie Downers. Nobody wants to listen to someone constantly complain about their life.
But it’s hard. It’s not easy being happy one day and feeling like crap the next day. It’s not easy having to buy larger pants every couple of months because the diet you just went on didn’t work and you ended up gaining weight instead of losing it.
We cry in silence at what’s become of us and put on a happy face for the rest of the world to see.
For anyone who doesn’t feel this way. Good for you. Maybe this blog isn’t your thing. But, if you have a friend who is suffering and you’re watching them self sabotage their efforts to heal, then keep reading. This might help you understand them a bit better.
I don’t feel awful every day. There are days when I’m ok with what I’ve become. I live a good life. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful son. I live in a beautiful community, a fantastic home and I have so many wonderful friends.
But I’m not healthy. I’m heavy for my size (5’3) and my mood and energy swings are all over the place. And, I shamefully admit, that the most important to me is that I can’t seem to make the scale go down. I’ve managed to deal with most of the other symptoms but my weight won’t budge.
Some might say that I’m too focused on my weight. To that I will say, I don’t need to look like I did when I was 35, I just want to be somewhere near it!
I get it, I’m in menopause and it’s supposed to be hard to lose weight during this time. Being 10 or 15 pounds overweight is ok for my age, but not 44 pounds!
I still believe that, if I work out daily, eat well, sleep well and stay active, I should be able to stay at a reasonable weight. Right??! Am I wrong? I see other women do this all of the time. I see stories of people in remission from Thyroid disease all of the time.
What are they doing that I’m not doing right?
Last year, I got a really bad case of strep. For 5 days, I couldn’t eat a thing. Then for another 2 or 3 days, my eating was minimal. I lost 7 pounds! I felt great! But seriously, I have to stop eating all together to lose weight?!
Sadly, I ended up gaining all of the weight back plus 10 more pounds over the holidays. Ugh!
And yes, I’ve done intermittent fasting, but I always end gaining the weight back. Plus the inflammation and pain in my joints never goes away. I never feel any relief from any of the symptoms.
Until now. More on that later….
Here is a picture of me right before the disease hit me at 36.
I was a superstar!
I ran 4 miles a day. Went to the gym 3 to 4 times a week. I ate a mostly veggie diet with some meat and dairy. I drank race car beer on the weekends but stayed away from alcohol all week. I felt amazing!
I loved shopping. Loved putting on clothes. My weekends were full of active mornings and tacos and beers in the evenings. What a wonderful life!
Here I am now at 49. I am 44 pounds overweight. I’ve gradually gained this weight but in the past 2.5 years, I’ve put on 22 pounds! This is after Covid!
Side Note: I almost didn’t find a current picture of me. I avoid taking whole body pictures these days. Unfortunately, It turns out that my husband has been documenting my weight gain on Facebook this whole time. Ugh!!
Ok, so if I’m being honest, I know why it happened. I know why I gained the weight. Simply put, I gave up. I got tired of trying to lose weight. I got tired trying new diets, working out non-stop, removing all yummy foods and always ending up with the same results. After living in San Diego (I’ll tell that story at a later date) and seeing so many beautiful people around me, I started drinking more to soothe my sorrows.
But let’s go back a little further. To when the weight gain first started.
I’ve always been a drinker. Ever since I was a teenager. Drinking has always been my go-to to loosen up.
In 2017 after a night of hanging out with friends, I went to work tired and decided to go out for a run during my lunch break.
Not a good idea when you’re tired…
During my run, I took a pretty bad spill.
In short, the fall ended up causing me to have back pain, neuropathy on my feet and arm and shoulder issues. I couldn’t stand or sit for long periods. Walking was difficult, never mind working out or running.
Let’s be clear. I was already about 13 pounds overweight, which I could handle. I had pain when running, but I was pushing myself to work out in order to keep my weight from creeping up any higher. I had been a runner in the past and it had kept me skinny so I just knew that running was the solution. I didn’t realize how much damage I was causing myself. My fall was inevitable, I was dragging my feet because my body was already broken.
In retrospect, I wish I would have listened to my body and just walked.
I’ve spent the last 7 years, fixing the pain and trying to get back to a more physical lifestyle. I’m better today. I’ll explain in detail what I did to fix my body later. But for now, let’s get to the drinking.
Even though my activity level dropped to zero, I didn’t change my drinking. In the past, my workouts would offset the extra drinking calories.
When I stopped running and lifting weights, I gained weight. It’s that easy.
Having Thyroid disease causes me to have a slower metabolism yes, this is true. But I believe that I could have slowed down my weight gain if I had still led a more active lifestyle. That’s what I tell myself anyways.
With the weight gain came the shame.
I didn’t want to be around anyone. My husband and I have always been very social in our community. We’ve spent many weekends at our local pubs drinking beers with friends.
I love beer! I know, it’s like drinking a donut! But even though, after my fall, I gained an extra 10 pounds, for a long time, my weight stayed at about 144 pounds. It wasn’t until the last 2.5 years that I ballooned up to my current weight of 169 pounds. I recently gained 5 pounds after I stopped drinking beer (more on that later).
We’d always spent weekends drinking beers with friends. I always had fun cracking jokes and getting into deep conversations about life. But when you don’t feel comfortable in your own skin, it’s hard to relax. I felt like people were talking about me. Feeling sorry for me because I’d gained so much weight.
“OMG, did you see Nora. I feel so bad for her. She’s so big”
“I know, she really needs to do something about it”
“She used to be so fit, she really needs to stop drinking so much.”
To top it off, my husband is and has always been in fantastic shape. We were both super fit in our young years. Now here he is with the chubby little Mexican girl. Not the hot girl anymore. Yes, it’s vain, but this happens to women who have always been fit and then go through major weight gain. It hurts!
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It doesn’t help that he gets hit on constantly. And in front of me! I’ve just got to put this out there, some women are so disgusting and disrespectful! They could careless if a man is married. Shame on them!
Anyways, back to my story….
So I would drink beer to loosen up. I would drink beer to forget that I wasn’t as pretty and skinny as I used to be.
I would drink beer on the weekends instead of going hiking because hiking meant that I would have to wear pants instead of shorts when it was 90 degrees, just to avoid my thighs from eating up my shorts and causing rashes in between my thighs.
I would drink beer because drinking with friends meant that I didn’t have to think about my weight. I could relax and laugh and not care about my failing health and diminishing beauty.
I’d try to avoid looking at myself in the mirror. Kind of like the way people avoid looking at bills when they’re in debt. If you pretend it’s not there, then it goes away, right?
But every now and then, I would look at myself in the mirror and wonder why I was continuing to hurt myself. Who had I become? My face was so round, and my skin was aging rapidly. Why couldn’t I change?
I would get drunk until I fell asleep. It’s sad to admit, but I’m actually known for this. People laugh at me. They think it’s funny. But it’s true. Beer makes me fall asleep! I’ve realized that the sugar in beer is horrible for me! I love IPA’s but they fuck me up! I am what you would call a session drinker. I love to drink for hours while socializing with friends. So, if drinking beer causes me to fall asleep after only a few beers, then it’s not for me.
I stopped drinking beer a few months ago and walla, no more falling asleep.
I started drinking cider instead. Oh, I tried wine, but it does the same thing that beer does. I’d always hated cider, but I wasn’t about to give up my social outings. I know, I know, I could just not drink right? Don’t judge me. This is a diary and I get to air out all of my dirty laundry here! Besides, you’re not being a good friend if you don’t let me tell you the whole story.
I’m not ready to give up drinking yet.
Today, I drink vodka or tequila with soda water and lime. I tend to drink hard liquor slowly because I know how strong it is and it doesn’t seem to do what beer and wine do to me. I still drink cider on occasion, but I try to avoid it since it is so full of calories. I gained 5 pounds when I stopped drinking beer and switched to drinking cider. It’s been worth it though. I feel less pain in my joints and switching slowly has allowed me to become aware of how my body reacts to different alcohols. For me it’s all about the sugar.
Speaking of today, as I’ve been writing this, I’ve felt sad.
Sad at all of the time that I’ve wasted feeling sorry for myself.
I feel sad that I’ve had so many opportunities to fix my health and I’ve screwed it up every time.
Just like the person who is trying to avoid the responsibility of getting themselves out of debt by spending more, I’ve done the same with my health.
I’ve sat on the couch watching Youtube videos of people making changes in their life, feeling motivated to change my life, excited to make something happen, only to feel deflated when I don’t see immediate change.
I’ve cried over my wardrobe. Cried in the changing room when trying on clothes. Hating what my body has become.
Cursing at life for being so unfair to me.
Feeling sorry for myself and not knowing who or where to go to for help.
Today is different though….
For the first time in so many years, I feel a positive change.
I am seeing and feeling progress.
Even though I am still overweight, and I’ve actually gained a few pounds in the past week, I feel hopeful.
I believe I may have found the secret sauce to my Thyroid problems.
For the first time, the inflammation is almost gone. I can lift weights again. I can’t run yet, but I’m walking long distances.
I’m not hungry all day and my moods are more balanced. I have more energy and I am motivated.
What’s the secret sauce for me you ask?
Meat and fat.
I know, another diet! This doesn’t feel like a diet though. I have finally figured out that for me, protein is a must. Lots of protein. Specifically, meat!
I’ve spent my life eating mostly veggies and carbs. I was told that veggies were the solution. I’ve given up alcohol and gone on 500 calorie (mostly veggie) diets and not lost any weight (or hardly any)!
Now, I’m eating tons of meat (beef, pork, chicken, seafood) and I feel amazing!
About a month ago, I came across a YouTube video talking about the Carnivore diet. The people on the video were so excited about their miraculous healing. Eating mostly meat was something I hadn’t done before. I’d always done the opposite, keeping red meat at the bottom of my food list.
I figured, why not? What is one more diet going to do? Besides, my husband has always been a carnivore so it should make cooking so much easier for me. I dove right in and immediately noticed a difference. Sure the first week was tough, but now it’s easy.
Today will be almost one month since I started eating this way. I feel great! I’m still the same weight as the day that I started but my mind is clear, my inflammation is almost gone and bonus, when I drink, I don’t get hangovers!
I decided to write this blog, to document my progress and to share my journey. I think that there are so many of us out there feeling like we need something to cling on to. A bit of hope. By sharing my journey, I hope to show you that you’re not alone.
There’s a lot of us experiencing the auto-immune nightmare. Trying to figure out how to get out of this mess. Often times making things worse for ourselves.
Sure there are those that are able to be perfect, eat perfect and remove any and all harmful foods, oils and alcohol from their life and jump right back in to their amazing lives.
That is not me! I am imperfect. I am stubborn. I like to eat good food and drink and have fun. I am not fancy or boujee.
I am just a regular woman who screwed up her health and has been fighting to get her grove back ever since.
I’ll share more about my journey and progress as the days go. As a word of warning, I am a scatter brain. I write like I speak. So hang on tight!
I love to tell stories and share what’s worked for me in hopes that perhaps, my experience can help you heal too.
There is no one way to do this. You just have to keep trying. Keep having hope and keep making the changes that you need to make until you find your secret sauce.
I’ll tell you all of my secrets with time. For now, I’ll leave you with a few excerpts from my diary, taken from sometime around when I first got sick.
Till next time, Cheers.
10/19/2011
Dear Diary,
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but 2.5 months ago, I got diagnosed with Hypothyroidism. Not a fun condition to have. I am exhausted. My muscles feel like I’ve been working out for two hours even though I’ve only been working out for 30 minutes. When I run, it feels like I’ve been running all day. Even so, I’m making the best of it. I will survive this too! This won’t stop me, it will make me better! Yes, I am tired, but I’m not dead! I am strong, I am woman…HEAR MY ROAR!
01/24/2012
Dear Diary,
Amazing, I just started on Armour Thyroid and I’m already feeling better. I don’t know if it’s in my head but I feel full of energy and vitality. Here’s to hoping and believing.
P.S. Thank you for guiding me through my darkest hours.
