The White Path
“Days and Nights fly past, fly past, fly past — what are you becoming right now?”
- the Buddha
“What when I do it, will lead to my longterm welfare and happiness?
-the Buddha
Last time I wrote something about how I quit Kratom and gave a basic rundown of the two methods used to beat an addiction along with some guidelines, but behind all that there is something deeper that unlocks the key to breaking an addiction and I want to write about that today.
Remember I said that if you really want to beat an addiction you have to really want to beat it, want it more than anything else you have ever wanted, and to feel it viscerally. You do not have to hit some rock bottom in your social and financial life to reach this point, although maybe for some people that is what it takes, but you do need to reach the point where the path you are currently walking as an addict is no longer cutting it, and where you really want to put forth some sort of serious effort to be free.
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My favorite image for this is the one put out in the Chinese Pure Land Master Shandao in his Parable of the White Path and Two Rivers. I will share it here because it is a powerful image.
“I wish to say to all aspirants for birth: I will now present a parable for the practicers in order to protect their Faith and to guard it against attacks by those who have wrong, perverted and unauthentic views. What is the parable? Suppose a man is traveling a hundred thousand li toward the west. On the way, he suddenly comes upon two rivers: one is a river of fire that extends southward, and the other is a river of water that extends northward. The two rivers are each a hundred paces wide and unfathomably deep, extending endlessly to the north and south. Where they meet, there is a white path, four or five inches wide. This path is a hundred paces long from the east bank to the west. The waves of the water splash and the flames of the fire burn the path. The waves and flames alternate without ceasing.
This traveler has already journeyed far into the open plain where there is no one to be found. Suddenly, there appear many bandits and vicious beasts. Seeing him alone, they approach competing with each other to kill him. Afraid of death, he at once runs to the west. When he suddenly sees this great river, he says to himself, “This river extends endlessly to the south and to the north. I see a white path in the middle, but it is extremely narrow. Although the two banks are close to each other, how can I get across? Undoubtedly, I shall die this day. When I turn round to return, I see bandits and vicious beasts coming closer and closer. If I try to run toward the south or north, I see vicious beasts and poisonous insects vie with each other to attack me. If I seek the path to the west, I will certainly fall into one of the two rivers of water and fire. His horror at this moment is beyond expression. So he thinks to himself, “If I turn back now, I shall die; if I stay, I shall die; if I go forward, I shall die, too. Since I cannot escape death in any way, I would rather follow this path. Because there is a path, it must be possible to cross the rivers.”
When this thought occurs to him, he suddenly hears a voice from the eastern bank urging him, “Take this path with firm resolution. There is no danger of death. If you stay there, you will die.” Again, he hears another voice from the western bank calling to him, “Come at once single-heartedly with right mindfulness. I will protect you. Do not fear that you may fall into the calamities of water or fire.” Since the traveler hears this voice urging him from the bank and the calling from the other, he resolutely, body and soul, takes the path and proceeds at once without doubt or apprehension. As he takes a step or two, he hears the voices of the bandits on the eastern bank, “Come back! That path is treacherous. You cannot cross it. Undoubtedly, you are sure to die. We have no evil intentions in pursuing you.” Though hearing the calling voices, this person does not even look back. As he proceeds straight on this path with singleness of heart, he, in no time, reaches the western bank and is now free from all danger. There he meets his good friend, and his joy knows no end.”
Although it comes from a certain religious milieu that image of being stuck where you are but terrified to move forward is poignant even all these centuries later. In order to be free we have to cross the narrow White Path between the flames our trials, temptation and pains of life to be free, and in this context I mean active addiction. I know that I can identify with the man in the parable at times, but it was only when I found firm resolve within about the dangers of remaining on where I was that I was ready to cast out onto the white path to sobriety.
For me it was reflecting deeply on my life right on the edge of becoming middle aged. I had been pretty much an addict for my entire adult life from high school on up, and although I was always able to function well enough I had missed so many opportunities to grow as a man that it was wearing down on me and enough was enough. I had missed a million chances for jobs, further education, relationships or travel due to living under the spell of opiates or Kratom, and when enough was enough I chose to take that White Path come hell or high water.
You have to stand there facing that White Path and two rivers in your own life and make a choice, and once you do — and if it is sincere from the depths — then no matter what suffering or hardship you have to face during your cold turkey or your taper you will manage. I say manage because it is not always easy. There will be times even on a taper when you want to give up, or you want to distract yourself with another dose. Find in the depths of your being that inner resolve and do not give in. It really isn’t a matter of willpower either, although willpower plays a role. Once you truly want to quit and stay quit you will.
Part of what helped me was going back to reading my old Buddhist meditation books and listening to Dhamma talks by Thanissaro Bhikkhu. The quotes that graced the top of this post are two that stuck out for me and hit me hard when I had heard them in my time of need. The first is a reminder that time is short. In my case it was hitting the edge of middle age, and I realized that I had frittered away half my life wasting time and money destroying myself, killing my dreams and throwing away opportunities. It also gives hope because it hints at our freedom, “what are you becoming right now.”
The second part was from when the Buddha had cast off his old austerities and really looked at the drawbacks of skillful and unskillful actions, as well as the better choice of taking the long view, of striving for a happiness that is long lasting rather than take the short path to easy and cheap happiness. An addicts mind is always on the right now, but on finding some sort of oblivion or way to cope, with no bearing on the future, and no real plan for how to cope in a skillful way that mitigates his/her own suffering while trying to think towards a lasting happiness and a better future. Take your time to consider this.
So in that worldview we have choices to make, moment by moment, to walk towards a longer lasting happiness free from addiction or a temporary happiness. Every breath, every step, every moment was another chance to start acting in more skillful ways, and abandoning the things that only led to short term happiness that was often tinged with fear, secret self loathing and the need for oblivion. There was freedom in these words of wisdom, and I carried them with me during my taper and still think of them to this day. What am I doing right now to lead me to a life of lasting happiness, or to at least give myself a chance to find it?
While your mileage may vary as far as spiritual or religious beliefs go I can only use what I know as a model, and certain aspects of Pure Land and Theravada Buddhism were integral to my own path out of addiction, but feel free to use whatever it is that works for you as a mental model or inspiration to give you the strength to walk free. Just like with a taper where your body’s needs will be something only you can know, so to it is with whatever mental model or method of inspiration you use in your own journey to sobriety. When you are ready to walk the White Path you will know, and on the other side you will find a life that is better than the one you are living when you are still using.
As a final note I will say, don’t hesitate to reach out and email me or comment, and I will do whatever I can to help support you on your own journey to recovery.
