New Phase
Standing here and looking in the mirror takes me back in time…
I never did want a crowd but they were adamant that all and sundry had to be in attendance. It wasn’t enough that we had a big family. No. The more the merrier. The perks of that meant that we got an abundance of gifts. Gifts galore. We were both in shock that people had actually adhered to our wishlist but we were pleased as it meant we could start this new phase of our life comfortably. The same way she was comfortable too. She was everything he wanted, colourful, unique and dazzling. I was surprised as she was not his usual type so I wonder what made this time different.
Who knew that she would be a bone of contention later on? I did not want her at the evening reception. It was bad enough that she was staying for this long already.
“We’ve paid all this money and yet you don’t want her around? That makes no sense whatsoever”
“It does not have to make sense to you, but it does to me” I said
“Ok”
And that was the end of that- or so I thought. I couldn’t bear to see him moping around, so I eventually succumbed. Never mind that it was not comfortable for me.
It was all about him.
If only I knew that this was going to be a sign of things to come. Him getting his way and me letting things slide.
Sure enough she got compliments galore. Star of the night she was. I shouldn’t have been jealous, but I was.
Why could I not garner this much attention from him?
Why did it have to take her for him to see me and even then, did he really see me? Or was it a version of me he wanted to see?
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Years after that incident and things I had seen before but turned a blind eye to had come back to haunt me.
My eyes were now open and I could see everything in colour. Because life is not always black and white.
I could see how he was able to deceive me. How he preyed on my insecurities.
Insecurities I did not even know I had.
How he knew the right words to say to me at the right time; just enough to keep me hooked on him.
I could see how what I thought was him being overprotective was actually jealousy.
I could see and I did not want to see anymore.
Enough was enough.
_____
I took a detour from memory lane and headed up present avenue.
I continued packing the belongings I had. ‘Luckily’ no children were involved. Not so lucky really as I wanted children, but I wasn’t allowed to have that either. He made sure of that by making sure I was on contraception.
The fact that I had to pack whilst he was away is testament enough to the nature of our relationship.
As I had packed everything else I decided to remove the last thing that was left and had brought back the rush of bittersweet memories.
Her.
My wedding dress.
