Finding Your Self
The title of this topic should be enough to describe what this post is about. However, I am not planning to spew a few words of spiritual wisdom. Instead this is my struggle, to find My Self.
It’s so easy to be lost, even without realizing that you are lost. Especially when your real voice has been suppressed or hidden by others’ voices and expectations, since you can ever remember. It starts at a very young age when we really know nothing of the world.
Our guardians/parents are the North Star to guide us to the whats, hows, whys, wheres and whens. But if they really have no idea of how to go about it, and also if they themselves are screwed up, it is the worst situation to be in. Being a mom, I now know what it is that I must do, to avoid creating another version of me; unlike my mother, who had no idea of what she was doing under the hood of mothering and love; and ended up creating a version of herself in me.
I had this realization from an early age; certain incidents vividly tattooed on my memory, which I have now come to realize, for what they really are. They are the keys to my self-conscience, that really goaded me, pried and pricked me all these years. I knew not, what and why they stood with such a high level of clarity in my memory; but now I do. It was to remind me- what I really am not and what I should really be.
Today, I have come to realize, in my struggle to not be like the person who brought me up, I was always like her; in my behavior, reactivity, thought process and raw sensitivity. The things I consciously avoided were so superficial, that now I regret not having seen clearly what I should have been. It has been difficult to accept that it is all my responsibility: I was aware, but did not pursue to go deeper to finding it out. True and the only justification I have to it is probably: I was too young to even know about all this. But it is not the case anymore. It isn’t until now, when more than half my life has possibly gone by, that I finally know and really understand this.
I also know and realize this: she did not know any better than what she did. But that really is an excuse for forgiving and forgetting, isn’t it? No, especially for not forgetting.
Having said all of that, I have no grudges or resentment towards her. All she did was love her child and give the best she had to offer. She had no idea of her own demons. I wish that she had someone who could have guided her at that point in her life!
It’s from this, that a strong realization grabs a hold of that one small seed of thought that: parenting is about finding Your Self. The qualities that really are key to being a good parent really drive the child’s individuality to fruition or to destruction. They are — Intuition, Wisdom and Knowledge.
Intuition- knowing what your child really needs.
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Knowledge- whether it is worth letting that experience be a part of your child’s journey of life.
Wisdom- Knowing when to stop and let them walk, talk and be themselves and by themselves.
This is my mid-life crisis, so to speak. Who am I really? A rebel, who knew only to be reactive, because all that she really was, was suppressed; to only be imbibed with “virtues”, “cultural sanctity” and “compulsion” towards satisfying what others need and demand? Or an individual, who really wanted to ask questions ‘Why should we follow the norms?’, ‘Why should I really believe the adults in my life who were supposed to only show me the way and not hold my hand and walk on specific paths?’
The struggle is real. Finding what I really am and want, is a process of navigating through this mess, which is now in my head. But, I retain one quality through all this, which is purely me. Relentless. I don’t and won’t give up.
And I promise, this is the real me saying to the broken child in me- “I won’t give up on us, even if the sky gets rough”
PS: All of this revelation was because of one song. The technical credits for this entire post belong to me but the emotional inspiration has been this:
Thank you Team Stranger Things 4! Thank you, a heartfelt one!
#strangerthings4 #runningupthathill #findingyourself #revelation #midlifecrisis
