Lights Out
There was a man I was with for a short while and we had a beautiful relationship. Adventure, food, travel, and good times with many people in social environments. The sex was amazing. It was sensual, communicative, and we knew exactly what we wanted. It was the most confident and secure that I felt in my being. One night in the throws of passion I had a clear vision of a past relationship and envisioned the past lover. I was standoffish for the next few days because I felt I had cheated on my present lover. He was an intuitive human with deep understanding and empathy. Our closeness definitely became distant. He approached me and inquired as we had been entangled for months. I felt comfortable enough to tell him the experience I had and I thought it was a betrayal to think of someone else. “Pamela, we are human and experience so many things that leave an imprint not only on our memories but on our senses too. Sometimes a sensation, smell, texture, the whip of the wind will take us back to a moment. But it is fleeting and you have to remember that you are here now.” I couldn’t believe how accepting he was of my worries and I have paid attention while letting go at the same time ever since.
Speaking of sensory moments that can bring you back to a memory. I went outside on to my Mt. Vernon row home stoop. Everyone is in summer courses right now and the activity of socialization has calmed down. I found myself alone on the stoop with two street lights out that usually illuminate us. Our street was dark and I stood there rather than sit and looked up and down the block. One, I am in Baltimore so one always has to be aware. Two, it was strange to see our little block of front step flowers and dog walking serenity so dark and quiet. A sensory memory came back.
Get Pamjohn’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
In Arizona it is so flat that we all traveled on bicycles. I had just left a Pixies concert on my bike with a small pack on my back, camera, and wallet inside. My father was never around but he did tell me to always keep a twenty dollar bill in my front pocket in case someone sticks you up and you can say this is all you have. I went off the main bike strip because of drunk drivers leaving the bar. As I went into the side parallel street the street lights turned off. I knew. I was in the barrio. The street ahead was a dead end at a school to turn left back to the main road. That was the only light shining from the school yard. Coming down the now blacked out street a man turned the corner towards me with the light shining on the barrel of his gun. I should’ve known better. My bike was a fixed gear custom made and there are no brakes as you control the peddling yourself. I stopped and put my hands up. He had a bandana on his face and told me not to look at him as he turned me around and put the gun to the back of my neck. I got off the bike and he said to give him what I have. I had that twenty in my front pocket and disclosed that that was it. He took it and then proceeded to take my bike. I slowly walked on and looked behind as he did not know how to ride a fixed gear bike. The twenty was enough to distract him that I had a flat slingback purse with everything else in it that he didn’t see. I continued to the end of the street where I hid behind a car and called the police. As I sat and waited I thought about how my father really didn’t do anything for us but this one tip to always keep a bill in my front pocket saved my life.
I came out fine and more aware. Never got my bike back. Coming out on my stoop tonight and seeing the street lights out took me back to that moment. As we go through life the memories we make will override those in the past. But they still live inside us and are very much alive. But we are in control of our own memories and can take or alter exactly what we need from it. We are the only ones carrying it so we are in control and we can do what we please with our imprints and memories.
After the fleeting flash back I took a deep breathe and noticed the first fireflies of the season. Seeing those fireflies grounded me putting me right back into the present moment.
