NEGOTIATING “THE WILDERNESS OF GRIEF”
Grief is universal. Every grief is as unique as a process as every individual. We may grieve the loss of a loved one, loss of a relationship, or loss of things that had been. Grief happens when we lose a way of life, an ideal, a job, or an expected event. Whatever may be the object of grief we must remember that grief is a process and not an event.
Dr Alan Wolfelt, a grief counsellor and author, spoke about “the wilderness of grief”. This expression best describes our struggle to adapt to each day.
In my experience as a psychologist, dealing with grieving individuals, I have learned that life weaves a pattern of relations and experiences which is very uniquely “ours”. Thus, any loss can upset the pattern, giving rise to anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. I personally remember the sadness that stretched over years after a seemingly simple event of my life like the demolition of my ancestral home. It took time for me to process it.
Although every human being deals with grief in his/her own way, the strategies the person takes up consciously or unconsciously often mirror the way he or she travels a path of anything difficult. There is an in-built system.
No matter how difficult it is for us to readjust to the darkness of a loss, we need to remember that grief is a known path. Hence, once we land in the darkness, we need to find the “lanterns” left behind by those who had been there before. The good news is that humans are hardwired to find a way out of the grieving process. Get connected to others as fast as possible. Anthropological studies indicate that grief rituals were there even 40,000 years ago. The coming together of people and the community to support a grieving individual serves as a relief.
No matter how difficult it is,” processing” the grief reaction is very important. Processing is not always talking about it. It often means setting up a learning process to readjust after we have accepted the reality. This causes the grief to be “digested” or stored appropriately in the brain. Inappropriate and disproportional emotions, beliefs, and uncomfortable bodily sensations with memories need to be discarded for mental health. But this takes time.
As I have said, coping is a unique process. First of all, we need to express the grief by naming it -the feeling of anger, sadness, guilt, etc. We can do this by talking to someone, taking professional help, as well as indulging in other cathartic activities like expressing in art, poetry, painting, and writing or simply by our service to others. The Nobel laureate Rabindra Nath Tagore’s biographer, Mr. Sabyasachi Bhattacharya, found out that one of his most memorable songs. Ekla Chalo Re (If they answer not to thy call, walk alone ), was written in 1905 when he felt isolated. Never underestimate the power of a daily routine. Having an activity Schedule in place during such difficult times helps us to live “one day at a time” and prevents overthinking and rumination.
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While many often cite Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief, her stages, as she had expressed herself, were relevant only to those coming to terms with their impending death. When we have lost a loved one, another model for understanding the grief process may be more relevant.
The four phases of grief in this regard, as proposed by British Psychiatrist, John Bowlby and Colin Murray Parkes, are as follows:
The phases include the following-
However, we need to remember that we may experience all the above in the above-mentioned order, in a different order, or some phases not at all . There is no time frame to processing grief.
Grief is often a price we pay for love and attachment. It changes our pattern of life. We are different people with every loss. The only positive aspect of grief is the emotional growth and understanding of life that nothing can take away.
PAROMITA MITRA BHAUMIK- Consultant Psychologist.
Parkes CM (1998) Bereavement in adult life BMJ 316(7134)
“The Wilderness Of Grief” -Finding Your Way, Alan Wolfelt
Originally published at https://www.linkedin.com.
