my condition
One might call it “depression.” I have no idea if that is the right term. Depression sounds so negative.
I think I prefer a term I’ll invent right now: “compulsive indulgence.” I do what feels good in the moment. I add “compulsive” because I can’t say I really choose the indulgence. I sort of fall into it and can’t (and don’t want to) find my way out. I guess it looks like I am doing what I want and what I enjoy — because I am. So why would I stop?
Well, there is one reason. It’s a big reason but it’s very abstract. Doing what I want all the time isn’t good for me in the long run. Sure, it rarely causes a problem today or tomorrow or next week or even next month, but, eventually there is a toll.
My health is the first victim. I used to be thin and athletic. I used to run and swim and play soccer and I had a future doing some of those things. Those days are gone and are not coming back.
My friendships are a victim, partially, maybe. I see less of my friends now than before but is that because of me or because of them? — getting serious partners, having kids, etc. It’s debatable. I’ve decided my indulgence isn’t a big driver here except on specific occasions.
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My ambition is the biggest victim. I rarely undertake any efforts today to benefit me tomorrow. I can’t muster the tenacity or whatever it is that it might take. Words fail me just as the impulse fails me. That’s why I have written before about baby steps. That’s all I can muster.
(I should acknowledge the privilege of having my father’s support. If I had to work for my rent and my food, I don’t know how I would deal with these issues.)
So, on the whole, I’m ambivalent. I love surrendering to the moment and doing what feels good right then and there. Maybe I read a book without stopping, binge watch a whole series, drink beers in the morning, smoke out and listen to the album when a song sounds good, eat the whole carton of ice cream. It’s an incredible feeling to just indulge what you know you want to do.
I also regret the victims along the way. Since the victims are harder to pinpoint, it’s a challenge for me to focus on them. Sure, I wish my health were better. I know my behaviors will likely shorten my life. It’s just extremely difficult for me to translate that cerebral thought into a visceral impulse to inspire me to different choices today, this week, or this month.
PS: I worry about posting this. I’m afraid of judgment and people telling me what to do. I’m interested in hearing from people who have had similar issues.
#compulsiveindulgence, #notdepressed, #unambitious
