Manipulation
#Includes life coaching & self-awareness questions
- What is manipulation?
To see and distinguish the fine lines between manipulation and any other similar behaviour takes a lot of analysis. Many times the abuser is confused with the victim in manipulation situations.
We remove abuse and violence in any form, even though manipulation is also a form of abuse. And we clearly exclude narcissistic disorder which is often mentioned by many and needs a lot of attention because it is a purely medical issue.
Control is the power, the authority one has over a situation, an object or a person and directs it.
How do we handle it?
We literally and figuratively operate with handles and levers.
Metaphorically, the handles are those points we have inside us, which are usually created by our experiences (unpleasant or pleasant) and which, when they become visible to someone, can be grabbed by them and lead us where we want.
Levers are the points that one can “install” in communication (verbal and non-verbal) within a relationship and are connected to the feelings and thoughts of another person. With similar vocabulary, style and movements it can dramatically affect another person.
In both grip and lever situations, old unpleasant experiences, fears and survival instincts are activated.
Manipulation can last from a short moment to our entire life.
2. In which areas can we encounter handling?
In all areas of our lives we can encounter manipulation. Work, love, friendship, family even in a simple social contact. Where it is cultivated is in relationships where someone or some people know things about us. We have revealed our fears, dreams and hopes to them.
It is the struggle between insecurities and weaknesses.
There is always the random in some meetings. Like when someone has an element in their character that captivates us…
either because we will try to prove to him that we are the good boy, or because we will want to tell him that he has misunderstood us, or because we might want to save him.
The ways of manipulation are infinite because each relationship that develops a manipulation condition constantly generates new combinations.
3. What roles are there in a handling condition?
It is usually the role of the operator and the role of the operated. The victim. I call it a victim because he believes he can leave but believes he doesn’t want or choose to stay. But it is not true. He is actually a victim of blackmail. Because somehow, he has become convinced that he cannot experience what he desires away from a certain person.
It may indicate or say, “you won’t make it without me” or it may say “I can’t live without you.”
They are both equally extortionate.
There is also the case of switching roles… one for the other. And we have a crush on each other. This can be done when one fulfills the other’s fairy tale. The story he has created in his mind to justify old mistakes or inability to face certain situations.
One can deal, for example, with financial matters and the other with matters of offering emotions.
4. How does one become manipulative?
1 From the family. For example, if the parents or guardians use the child for their relationship. (you can search for it with triangulation)
2 A very unpleasant event, a disappointment that has not been dealt with can become a manipulation method to avenge what a person has experienced.
The point is to be able to see ourselves and where healing, medicine is needed to do so. Where necessary with the help of an expert of course.
People who believe they have done everything right in their lives and people who believe they can’t live the life they deep down desire have the same effect…they become invaders in the lives of others by manipulation.
5. What is the vocabulary that can be developed?
It usually starts out flattering and then turns aggressive and offensive.
Some common examples:
“But how I love you when you’re a good boy”
“Only you can do it”
“You can’t do that. You are for other things”
Manipulators have a way of asking about what you ate, who you talked to, what they said to you… they have a cadence of asking that is like they don’t want to hear your exact answer but they want you know they have the right to ask and judge!
When he needs to he can deify you and he does it brilliantly. But momentarily!
Generally what feeds your ego needs attention.
Confidence is one thing and arrogance is another. Affected people are often victims of manipulation and become masters of manipulation.
6. Is it manipulation for good?
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We could say that in raising a child, in our anxiety to protect it, we manipulate it… and the motivation is positive. But we have to observe this and put limits on ourselves because it can escape very easily.
Other positive purpose I can’t think of right now… the handling has too much ego and I feel it can’t give the space it needs for all good and development to flourish.
7. But if I’m already in control how will I know?
It is very difficult because handling wears a mask of care, knowledge, expertise…
If you feel like you can’t accomplish things without someone else with you, ask yourself “why” what is it that you don’t have.
Does the care you receive make you feel good about yourself?
Think about the times when you meet a person who usually talks pleasantly and lively and you are happy to meet them but after the meeting or during the meeting your energy starts to drop. Your confidence.
There are people with whom we feel comfortable with ourselves and our choices as we are. And there are people who make us feel ugly, poor, sloppy…and generally “few”
These people are manipulative!
8. Can the operator understand it?
Here things are even more difficult. The operator may be a patient. You mean I won’t go into that part now. This is for doctors only. The manipulative from self-centeredness or from insecurity or from arrogance, from upbringing, etc., is the man who thinks he knows best. He is the “victim”, he is the one who does so much “for you” and you don’t recognise it.
Self-awareness always helps!
Ask yourself:
“Why do I want them done my way only?”
“Are they just about my own life or are they about someone else’s life too?”
“What would I like to create in my own life that I’m not doing?”
“What do I believe I don’t control in my life and am trying to control in someone else’s life?”
9. If I find myself being manipulative how do I pick it up?
We can periodically look into the eyes of our people and observe their emotions. Let’s listen carefully to what they tell us.
Let’s see if we really offer what our people need or if we impose it on them.
A very good handling brake is to ask ourselves:
“Am I underestimating this man’s abilities?”
“How many mistakes did I make before I got it right?”
“Why am I denying another human being the right to make a mistake?”
“Am I afraid of abandonment?”
“Do I believe that by handling people I get value, or do I live and create meaningful relationships?”
10. If I understand that I have been manipulated how do I break free from a manipulative relationship?
It takes a lot of work on ourselves.
Let’s look at our choices so far… We are not always our choices because the choices are not always ours.
For a start we can see the influences that our thinking receives. At one point, I often posed the question on Instagram:
“With whose mind are you thinking?”
We need to look with courage at what we are living today and how we came to be in a manipulative relationship.
Let’s try to find the handles that are inside us and fix them. Let’s remove them.
To identify the levers held by someone or others and with which of our needs or feelings they are connected and to release them!
Bonus Self-Awareness & Personal Development Questions:
1. Do I do things that do not please me and do not express me in my daily life? Make a list of these things.
2. Whom do they please and who do they express? If I don’t do them, who will be unhappy?
Many times, when we victimise ourselves, we are trying to manipulate something or someone…
If we don’t take life into our own hands and remain victims, then we will definitely be forced to become manipulative to survive… it’s like taking on the shape of our abuser.
The purest and right thing is to stand on our own feet and let our relationships be relationships of choice and not of necessity!
p. Aristotelous.
