How Do I…Deal with Stress When Grieving?
Sample of my mini e-book, available on Amazon and Draft2Digital/Smashwords and all major e-book distributors.
Stress — everyone experiences it at some point in life. But when is that first moment? Was it at birth, as we were thrust from the warmth and security of the womb into a loud and unfamiliar world? Was it on our first day of school or playgroup, when we suddenly became part of a “class” and had to navigate new social skills? Was it the uncertainty of a first crush, as we discovered what attracted us? Or was it those dreaded exams that consumed our thoughts, the pressure of a new job, or the anxiety of moving to a new home?
When do we first experience stress, and more importantly — how do we handle it?
How we respond to stress shapes our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. If we don’t learn to manage it early on, it can overwhelm us, casting a shadow over our lives. We may begin to fear stress itself, treating it like an enemy. But stress isn’t always bad. If we learn to harness it, use it wisely, and release it when it’s no longer needed, we can create a healthier, more balanced life.
To do this, we must first understand stress — how it can both help and hinder us, why a little bit is necessary, and most importantly, how to let it go so that our mind, body, and spirit can heal and breathe again.
Grief and stress often go hand in hand. When we lose someone we love — whether through death, divorce, or even the loss of something deeply valuable — stress feels inevitable, expected. And yet, not everyone experiences stress in the same way.
Some people I’ve worked with have felt surprisingly at ease during grief, and instead of stress, they faced guilt and shame for not feeling the “expected” emotions. Meanwhile, those around them who are unable to understand their response, felt their own stress rise, leading to tension and emotional complexity. Grief is deeply personal, and when expectations don’t align, it can create even more turmoil.
Stress can push us forward, giving us the adrenaline and focus to get things done. Or it can paralyze us, making even the simplest tasks feel impossible. It can keep us awake at night, worrying over the smallest details, or it can drain us to the point of exhaustion.
The key isn’t to eliminate stress — it’s to understand it, manage it, and use it to our advantage before learning to let it go. Only then can we truly find balance, clarity, and peace.
Living in a ‘stress-free environment’ every day would be bliss and I believe there are people who have found this truth. When I walk in nature, out on a sunny blue sky day among the welsh mountains, I find that bliss and any stress is immediately discharged from my mind, body and soul. However, life doesn’t allow me to do that every minute of every day, (regrettably!) and I wonder if I did have access to this bliss every day, would it still hold such a powerful transformation within me? Do I need this escape from life so I realise and release any stress I may be feeling, thus allowing me to feel this bliss?
Hmmmm? Before we go in too deep, let’s look at stress…
What is Stress?
Stress is the body’s natural response to any demand or challenge, whether physical, emotional, or psychological. It triggers the “fight-or-flight” reaction, as well as the “freeze-or-fawn” reactions releasing hormones like cortisol (stress hormone) and adrenaline that prepare the body to respond to a perceived threat.
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There are two main types of stress:
- Acute stress — Short-term stress that occurs in response to immediate situations, like an upcoming deadline or a sudden argument.
- Chronic stress — Long-term stress that persists over time, often due to ongoing challenges like financial problems, work pressure, or grief.
While small amounts of stress can be motivating, such as getting things done that have a time frame or sorting out problems that affect you, excessive or prolonged stress can negatively impact mental and physical health, leading to anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, and even chronic conditions like heart disease or liver disease through drinking heavily or lung disease from heavy smoking. Managing stress through relaxation techniques, self-care, and healthy coping strategies is crucial for overall well-being.
When we’re grieving a death or the loss of something precious, we may feel stressed about the situation. Grief-related stress is incredibly heavy because it involves deep emotional pain, exhaustion, and sometimes even physical symptoms like headaches, muscle tension, or trouble sleeping. Managing this kind of stress requires both emotional and physical self-care, and this in itself can bring its own stresses if we can’t find the time, or manage our own or other people’s expectations. When we’re feeling vulnerable, hurting, upset, we tend to add onto our stress because thinking straight is not always an option. Grief hurts us, so it is imperative that we learn about stress and grief, so we have a better idea of what to expect and how we can help ourselves during this difficult time.
Here are some strategies to help:
1. Allow Yourself to Feel
Grief is stressful because it’s filled with emotions that can feel overwhelming. Don’t suppress your feelings — cry if you need to, talk about your loss, or write in a journal. Acknowledging your emotions helps release built-up tension. Tears contain stress hormones so by allowing yourself to cry, you are in fact allowing your body to release stress. Some people struggle with crying and will either force it down due to unhealed limiting beliefs from their past or from embarrassment, believing they will make those around them uncomfortable.
It’s important that we release our emotions and not worry about how others might react. Some cultures get it right! They cry and wail, sob and rant as they let go of their stress and sorrow, while others, (British) will apologise for crying in public or will furiously wipe away their tears from shame and embarrassment and swallow down that golf ball of emotion in their throat.
(I found myself crying while on the telephone the other day; a reaction to something the social worker said which was so kind and I immediately burst into tears, not realising at that point, just how stressed I was about a certain situation around my daughter’s wellbeing. I began to apologise! I stopped myself and sat with that afterwards and wondered why I’d felt the need to apologise to this caring woman? I believe it is old habits, or old learned behaviour and I learned from this scenario).
2. Practice Deep Breathing
I know, right! When people talk about breathing, it’s an automatic thing you don’t have to think about, but when stressed; your breath can become shallow that only tenses your body instead of relaxing it, so practicing deeper breathing is worth it for when you do become stressed. Trying to take on board a new practice whilst in the midst of a stressful situation can be daunting and easier to not bother. There are a few variations and it’s about finding the one that suits you. The most common is known as the square breath (by me).
When grief becomes overwhelming, sit with your feet flat on the floor and if possible take off your shoes and socks (even better if standing or sitting on grass) and try deep breathing exercises. Inhale deeply for four seconds, hold for four, and exhale slowly. This calms the nervous system and helps relieve physical stress.
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for the full mini book on this topic, please head over to Amazon, Draft2Digital/Smashwords and all major e-book retailers.
