Parenting Paul
Chapter 3: Finding the Humor in Parenthood
When I joined Facebook in August of 2008, I had no idea how powerful a tool it would become in helping me share and later archive and re-read the gems that emanated from my son Joel’s mouth over the years. Here are the best of what I subsequently and lovingly referred to as “Joelisms,” starting when Joel was nearly 8 years old and ending about two months before he turned 17:
September 11, 2009
In response to “What was the best thing that happened to you on your first day in the second grade?” on a back-to-school writing exercise yesterday, Joel wrote “Recess.”
September 23, 2009
I had a precious moment last night when Joel was taking his bath and he asked (pointing to his testicles), “Papa, what are these?” I did what I always do which is to tell the truth so I said “those are called testicles.” Unfortunately I was totally dumbstruck when he asked next “what are they for?” I scrambled for the answer “well, Joel that’s kind of complicated and you’ll learn more about that when you get older,” but I was little worried he might persist. I breathed a sigh of relief when his next question was “Papa, why did Peter Pettigrew tell Voldemort where Harry’s father and mother were?”
December 16, 2010
My favorite “Joelism” this week was “Move it Mr. Fancy Pants!” which he blurted out when we were stuck behind a slow driver.
February 14, 2011
Joel’s gem of the day came in the form of a question: “Papa, if they call this a free country, why are there so many rules?”
June 24, 2011
When I picked Joel up today after his last day of school, he loudly proclaimed “Look Papa, I got a yearbook just like you did in the old days!”
August 12, 2011
Joel has taken on a new level of responsibility in keeping me in line. Last night he let me know that I was going 67 in a 55 mph zone, and last week he informed me that I used the “B” word while talking on my cell phone in the car (I thought he was asleep)! Next thing you know, he’ll be telling me I need to cut back on my weekend martinis!!
June 1, 2012
The latest “Joelism” resulted in him writing an apology note to my sister’s neighbors at the Cape for yelling “YOU NEED TO MOW YOUR LAWN!” out of the car window on Sunday evening as we were backing down the driveway and they were getting out of the car in their driveway.
May 27, 2013
This week’s “Joelism” came in the form of some friendly advice from Joel to our new kitty Barnaby as I was preparing to take a nap for the first time with Barnaby in the room: “Be a good boy Barnaby, Papa needs his beauty sleep and if you wake him up, he’ll be real crabby!”
September 15, 2013
We had a late lunch at Friendly’s yesterday and the service was painfully slow. After waiting nearly 30 minutes for our meal, then another 20 minutes after we were done eating for the waitress to take our ice cream order, Joel sarcastically quipped “well that oughta take her about 25 minutes!”
December 7, 2013
Yesterday, I suggested to Joel that he might want to read a book of his choice in addition to what is assigned in school so that he doesn’t develop a dislike for reading. I even empathized and said that I have definitely let my love for reading slip through the cracks since he learned to read on his own. His response: “No Papa, I don’t want to be one of those families who reads for fun!”
January 16, 2014
The first “Joelism” of 2014 did not make me laugh right away. Yesterday Joel arrived home from school and proclaimed that he had left his iPhone in the car when I dropped him off in the morning. After checking the car, I asked him where he had put his phone on the way to school and he said he had put it in the handle pocket on the arm of the door. I suggested that if that was the case, then the cell phone probably dropped out of the car when he opened the door and that is probably not the best place to put the phone, and he screamed back at me “THEN IT’S THE DOOR’S FAULT!”
March 7, 2014
CAUTION: This week’s “Joelism” has a small “ew” moment, but ends on a funny note. The tub drain was getting sluggish so I pulled out the stopper and found 3 lollipop sticks. I summoned Joel to the bathroom to ask how and when 3 lollipop sticks found their way into the tub drain, for which I never got an answer. As I was removing the usual wad of hair from the stopper, Joel was completely grossed out so I gently reminded him that some day soon he would be doing tasks like that himself and he replied “when I make the NBA, I’m going to have a maid to do all those things!”
October 23, 2014
Thank God for “Joelisms” to brighten a dismal and dreary day! On our way to Joel’s annual checkup in the city today, I was surprised to find an open parking space near the Doctor’s office without any problem at all. Joel watched me put the money in the parking meter after which the conversation went like this:
Joel: “Whoa, how much money did you have to put in that meter?”
Papa: “$1.75”
Joel: “$1.75 for parking at a meter??? That’s outrageous!!!!
Papa: “True, parking meters are definitely more expensive than they used to be, but the fact is we usually have to pay $10 at the garage around the corner when we can’t find a metered space. So if we usually pay $10 and today we only paid $1.75, how much did Papa save?”
Joel: “I DON’T WANT TO DO ANY MATH!!!! STOP MAKING ME DO MATH!!!! I ALREADY DID ENOUGH MATH TODAY BECAUSE WE HAD A QUIZ IN MATH!!!! GEEZ, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME DO MATH????”
November 10, 2014
I had a fun conversation with Joel earlier this evening:
Papa: “I’d like to use my laptop in about 10 minutes”
Joel: “I KNOW THAT!!! I’M JUST LOGGING OFF!!!! GEEZ!!!!
Papa: “Joel, I don’t appreciate your attitude right now. I didn’t say boo about the fact that you have been using my laptop for the past 2 hours and I’ve been gone all day and would really like to use it.”
Joel: “What does that mean?”
Papa: “What does what mean?
Joel: “You just said, “I didn’t say boo”, what does that mean?”
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Papa: “It’s an expression, it means “I didn’t say anything”
Joel: “WELL HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT? IT’S NOT 1985 YA KNOW, WHY DON’T YOU TALK SO I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU?”
February 19, 2015
Much to my amusement, our conversation went something like this when I was getting ready for work this morning and Joel was on the Xbox:
Papa: “Joel, it snowed again last night and there’s enough to shovel so I’d appreciate it if you could shovel the driveways and walks while I’m at work today.”
Joel: [Groaning]
Papa: “Enough already!”
Joel: “ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I’LL DO IT!”
Papa: “Then why the groaning?”
Joel: “BECAUSE I’M REALLY SORE! I PLAYED 4 GAMES IN THE BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT THIS WEEK!”
Papa: “Oh for God’s sake Joel, you are 13 and I am 56 and I’ve done most of the snow removal the past few weeks. I’m sore too, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask you to shovel 2 inches of snow today!”
Joel: “WHY DID YOU SAY YOU ARE 56? AREN’T YOU 55?”
Papa: “Whatever. I’m going to be 56 in August, that’s not the point!”
Joel: [Muttering under his breath] “Geez, he doesn’t even remember how old he is!”
June 24, 2015
On our way to school this morning, we turned the corner from our street onto another street and we almost had a head-on collision with another car that was coming in our direction. There was nothing on her side of the street that would have caused her to be so far into our lane, therefore Joel sarcastically quipped “Geez lady, take up the whole street, why don’t you!”
July 9, 2015
As Joel and I were driving home from his friend’s baseball game, the conversation turned to biking and went something like this:
Joel: “What happened to my old red bike?”
Papa: “We donated it to Bikes not Bombs last year at Town Recycle Day, why?”
Joel: “I wish we had kept the seat.”
Papa: “Why?”
Joel: “So I could swap it with the seat on my new bike. You wouldn’t believe it Dude, I mean Papa, the new seat goes right up my butt.” <Pause> “Oh my God, I can’t believe I just called you Dude!”
September 7, 2016
A new school year is usually a guarantee of a good “Joelism” and this year did not fail. While Joel was chatting with a friend on FaceTime last night, I overheard him say “Dude, my history teacher is 23 years old and he doesn’t believe in homework! HE’S A FRICKIN’ GENIUS!!!!”
November 23, 2016
Papa: “That’s nice you have early release today.”
Joel: “NO IT’S NOT, IT’S STUPID TO MAKE US GO FOR A HALF DAY! WHY CAN’T THEY JUST GIVE US THE WHOLE DAY OFF?”
Papa: “BAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Joel: “IT’S NOT FUNNY! ARLINGTON CATHOLIC HAS THE WHOLE DAY OFF TODAY!”
Paul: “BAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Joel: “IT’S NOT FUNNY, IT’S STUPID!”
August 11, 2017
I haven’t posted any “Joelisms” for some time, so here are 3 recent gems:
When I was driving Joel to basketball one evening, we approached an intersection where two people were hanging a sign on an electrical pole. I asked Joel what the sign was for and he said “Shakespeare in the Park.” Without skipping a beat, as if knowing I was going to ask him if he wanted to go, he quickly blurted out in an acerbic tone “I’ve had ENOUGH of Shakespeare!”
While driving Joel to a sleepover at a friend’s house, he mentioned that at the last sleepover he went to, one of his friends asked him if he would ever have a sleepover, to which he replied, “Nah, I don’t think my father could handle it!”
When I get home from work, I usually am allowed 1–3 brief questions about the day’s activities, most of which are responded to with a reasonable amount of teenage attitude. However, for several days in a row earlier this week, the responses were heavily ladened with exasperation and disdain, and I felt compelled to pursue the following conversation:
Papa: “You seem kind of crabby these days Joel, is something wrong?”
Joel: [prolonged silence, followed by a loud “tsk” and a heavy sigh]
Papa: “Are you bored, is that it? You seem kind of bored.”
Joel: [more silence, followed by a louder “tsk” and a heavier sigh] “Welllllll, I am KINDA bored, but I’m afraid if I SAY I’m bored, you’ll make me DO things that I DON ‘T want to do JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER DID TO YOU!!!!!!”
August 30, 2017
Car rides generally provide the best opportunities for “Joelisms,” as evidenced by our conversation on this morning’s drive to the basketball camp where Joel is coaching this week:
Papa: “Since you will be finished with the book that is required for summer reading tonight, you need to start the optional book tomorrow. I know we had picked Angela’s Ashes from the teachers’ favorites list, but I was looking at the lists again and your new English teacher also indicated he liked Mary Oliver’s books of poetry.”
Joel: “Poetry??? Really???? [Pause] That figures, ONLY ENGLISH TEACHERS LIKE POETRY!!!!!”
Papa: “Actually, Mary Oliver’s poems are very beautiful, and in fact, I have one of her books of poetry called “Thirst” that was given to me by a friend at church. Mary Oliver writes about many things including nature, animals, people, and love.”
Joel: “I DON’T CARE, I’M NOT READING POETRY!!!!”
August 22, 2018
As we were leaving the RMV this morning after Joel obtained his Learner’s Permit, he waited until we were just out of earshot of any employees or people waiting in line before loudly proclaiming:
“THIS PLACE IS A HELL HOLE! WHY WOULD ANYONE CHOOSE TO WORK HERE? THEY HAVE TO WORK WITH STUPID PEOPLE ALL DAY LONG!!!!”
