Don’t read this, if you have figured it out
I think what’s dangerous in our life is not having an ego. But how do you use the ego for? Ego is not a bad thing to have.
But how you respond to it. That’s how reality comes into conflict. I have been trying to think about the meaning of life several times. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts, loneliness & boredom.
Till I had to let them be part of my identity. I remember, I once told my friends that I am dead. It’s just the date of departure has not arrived yet.
Living in a community which decides for you what to do and who to be. That was the first place our death sentence started. Because only a dead man can never decide where his body will be buried. Someone said to me, life comes in three things: Morning, Afternoon & evening. And I think, for me, being born a third child at my father’s house was the first time I was dead.
What’s the meaning of, ‘I have figured it out?’. Because I think as human beings we will go in circles. And that’s how life keeps going. The circle of three things. This is what I think, reincarnation is real. We are all in a loop which will never end. But it will keep recycling here and there.
In my life, I have been struggling with ego death several times. But it has never helped me. Because I always decide to go back to it. You know, ego gives you something so sweet called, ‘comfortability’. Everyone is working hard for one day to be comfortable. And call it, ‘I have figured it out’. But after some time the comfort becomes more comfortable. Then it turns into a boredom then your soul starts feeling uncomfortable. Because it was not made to be like that. The cycle has already reached the end, you have to start building another version of yourself. Change yourself and chase another experience.
J Cole said, “it’s beauty in the struggle, ugly in the success”. The day I heard this my heart felt like this is what I have been struggling to understand. There’s the day Elon Musk tweeted that, “Whoever said “money can’t buy happiness” really knew what they were talking about’’. I understood Him at some point, because we have been living with a thought that, after I get a lot of money. I will be successful and that’s the definition of figuring out. But the number one point is that you have figured it out. It’s when you have died and completed the bigger circle of life and embrace the uncertainty of death.
This makes me believe that in life. You will only enjoy life when you decide to not chase material things only. But take more risks, read a new book, pick a bigger goal than you, and approach someone who is at a higher level than you. Become so delusional, and believe everything will work out. Because if God made us in his image. I believe He made us small gods of his kind.
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They say God or Higher power will never build a powerful one of his kind. And that’s us human beings. We will never make something more powerful than us. Rather than we will make powerful things to harm those who are not powerful than us or are powerful than us.
Because figuring out is a war. It’s a war between you of today, you of yesterday and you who will become. And the only one who needs to be is the one you’re not right now. This applies in every situation, to every person or level. From individuals, countries or organizations.
Let’s embrace the unknown. It’s always scary but that’s how we will figure it out. What’s available in the uncertainty which we fear. Nothing is ever easy, everything you do is risk. But choose the risk which has more benefits to the future YOU. I came to believe that being right is so wrong sometimes. Rather than being wrong. Because if I count how many times, I was an A student. I remember how my ego was bigger than me.And I never even decided to improve myself. But each time I failed, is the moment I woke up. And decided to build myself well.
In my 24 years of being a human being. I lived as an A student all my secondary life. Till high school, when I met myself, I was not interested in what I always believed I was capable of. I had quit my university studies just after I got in my final year. And decided to chase 9–5 hustle. At first it was sweet and all great. But till the fear of the unknown embraced me again. Asking me will I continue being a dog like this. I can testify that I tried alcohol to escape reality. But the fear of dying without figuring it out still haunts me still. All these years, my family was there pushing me into taking science subjects while my heart is in writing. I believe it’s only God knows how I am feeling writing this. But writing this sentence is when I understand, writing is in me. Although I have been told several times. But I have never agreed with myself.
I haven’t figured it out yet. And I am happy for being wrong all the time about life. Because the experience is not over. It’s the beginning of another version of me.
Dear world,
Paul.
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