Connection: Hung
It could be the extra coffee I’ve been drinking lately, or it could be because I haven’t been exercising enough, possibly because I haven’t gotten enough sleep, perhaps it is because I checked that chicks butt out at the store, or maybe even because I was kinda judging my mother for not wanting to be “born again”.
But lately, I feel like I’ve lost my salvation. The world still seems beautiful, my peace and calm is still with me. I can still feel the Holy Spirit, I can see my future, though the only thing I know is that I’ll be happy. But the directions/revelations have lessened over the past few days.
I think I know why.
Despite being overwhelmed with love and joy these past few weeks, I haven’t changed many bad behaviours. I’ve been concentrating on either my parents or this particular project, and in between I’ve still been looking forward to my now bi-weekly smoke up sessions with my mates. It is my only social activity.
The only problem is, the previous time I did, I had an encounter with Him. I always ‘sober up’ before driving home and on my way home, after a nice supper with friends, I was listening to some praise & worship and something told me to soften it. So I did, and I listened carefully to Him. I remember I was driving along a right hand curve overpass when the encounter began. He told me that I should stop smoking up, and there was plenty of negotiation there, but I’ve forgotten what they were, and its outcome.
But I remember asking for a sign, something with authority that wouldn’t get me into trouble. I always use Waze to avoid road blocks at night cause the cops here are quite racist, the way home looked clear. It was a twenty minute ride home talking with this voice, the journey had nothing but a blue path, until I drove around a bend uphill and lo and behold, a roadblock. Ten minutes in line I asked if this was the sign, no reply.
My turn came up, I turned the cabin lights on, put my windows down, and I noticed it wasn’t the usual racist Cop.
“Where are you coming from”, Cop asked.
“My friends place and from supper in Mt. Blue”, I replied.
“Which is it, your friends place or from supper”, Cop asked in a suspecting tone while sticking his head into the car to smell for alcohol on my breath.
“Uh Both. Went to friends to watch the game, then we headed for supper nearby”, I replied while looking at him, letting him know I haven’t been drinking.
He laughed at me and sent me off. He probably thought I was a salt & peppered bearded overgrown child. But I just wanted to be efficient. Let him know my nights itinerary so he’ll let me off quicker.
Got home, showered and went to bed. The next day, I did not think of my encounter the night before and went about my day, planning my piece for the day.
I wonder if God knew I would forget about our ‘deal’. I wonder if He knew my memory would fail me even when it concerns Him. But I’ll be honest, no matter the encounter, I always seem to question it. Is it just me? Am I hearing myself? Are the conversations between myself? No matter how distinct they are, I always fail at trusting Him completely.
We all have conversations with ourselves, right? There’s a tug-of-war in our brains, always 2 sided, and it can get quite chaotic. The voice I hear now, is completely different than the one I had during my depressive years. Now its about growing, building, shaping, thinking differently, the ones in the past were mostly combative, blaming, alternatives, finding easier routes.
So now I have to wonder, is my changed psyche from myself, or from God?
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Naturally, the debate could go on a while, but that is one of the reasons I forgot about the ‘deal’. I couldn’t trust the encounter completely.
Fast forward 2 weeks, I had to cat sit for my mate. He needed someone to check on his fat ass cat. I was happy to do it despite it being quite a distance away, as his apartment has beautiful views of mountains, plus the air is crisp and cool. I had a wonderful place to write the days piece and was excited to have dinner at one of the local eateries.
I was going to get some writing done! He left me a J as a token of appreciation and after I had settled taking care of the fat cats needs, I put The xx on and parked myself on the balcony, lit the J, and smoked it. Four puffs later, I thought lets listen to some worship songs. And that is when it began. Midway through the first song. I heard,
“HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?”
As I said “Huh?”, the entire post-first-J encounter came flooding into my head. And I realised that I had agreed to quit both smoking and smoking up. Which I do eventually actually intend to fulfill, but it is my only ‘solace’ right now. And then it hit me, my initial negotiation with God involved using the term ‘solace’, to which He responded “I am the only solace you will ever need”.
My heart began racing uncontrollably, I was having a panic attack, I measured my pulse, I regulated my breathing, all while negotiating with Him again. My mind was torn between writing all of this down, and whatever topics were springing up in my head. I was juggling between two pieces at any given time, ensuring I wouldn’t forget everything. My notes filled with “Yes, ok God” in between each topics, as I moved to my piece about the encounter.
I was serving multiple thoughts, masters at the same time. I had written 6 “Ok, God’s” before it truly hit me. I am to have only one master, Jesus Christ. I am to look forward to only one thing, meeting God. My pulse kept racing, what do I do, it’s been pounding for 30 minutes now. Drinking hot water isn’t helping, washing my feet with cold water isn’t helping, and that was when a friend I haven’t spoken to for at least a year calls.
He has a cute son he named after a famous English scientist, and when I last spoke to the kid, his ambition was to become a dancer. My friend himself is a joker, speaks perfect English, but always communicates in my second language — which isn’t even our mother tongue. This quirk of his always brings a smile and thankfully helped calmed me down.
He was at the park accompanying his son and felt the urge to call me. We spoke about his son mostly, who had just started primary one, and how that, the public schools now have lockers so the son doesn’t have to bring back any books/ homework, which he dislikes cause he can’t monitor his sons education. So I suggested he buy practice books for use at home for each subject. We spoke for about 20 minutes before I decided I had to end the call. It was moving on to a more dreary topic, our fathers & their heart problems.
Back to the present, I now realise that serving two masters does not just mean money, or anything sinful, but also anything that removes God from being the Head at the table. Any and all forms of substances, removes God from the pedestal and could possibly invite evil spirits in. Over consuming alcohol is the same. It doesn’t matter if you think you’re still in control, the moment you disrepute your temple, that God has chosen, He will leave you. No buts, no coconuts.
I’m sure it’ll take a lot of work before I get to hear Him clearly again, but now that I have had a taste, I’m truly going to try again, and again. It’s kinda like being broken up with the most amazing person you’ve ever dated, and they leave you wanting more? Only this time it’s God, and He will never forsake us.
For he has not despised or scorned
the suffering of the afflicted one;
he has not hidden his face from him
but has listened to his cry for help.
Painful and sad lesson, thankfully I’ve chosen to write my experiences down for you to enjoy and for me to remember, I am a forgetful person, truly, too many things on my mind. =)
This is part of a series under “Project Kuchiku”, a project designed to help Fix the Future through Platform Building.
Please help this imperfect soul try to perfect this project by contributing $1/month here and share this idea of a better future with potential futurists. Arigato =)
Took me a while to decide whether to write and share this piece. Just as it has helped me discern the voice within, voice Above, I hope that it either helps you with your journey with Christ, or help you understand struggling Christians like myself.
Walking with Christ is about dismantling yourself, and building yourself back up again. It may be different to each individual, but it will be equally difficult, because no one knows you better than God. And submitting to His will, will probably break you down emotionally and spiritually.
I look forward to that day again, and again, forever, in my journey to be more Christ-like. I want Him to break me down and build me back up to near perfection.
