No Changes yet, Pac
Symmetry, consistencies, constants, uniformity, regularity, homeostasis, equilibrium.
I love them, however boring it sounds, on a graph it always is a straight line, meaning no variations and expectations are always met. There are no differences in outcomes that can startle you.
“I feel renewed. I’m ready to deal with any changes that come my way. [sees Penny] Your hair is different. You changed your hair. I can’t take this. I’m out.”, Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory.
Unlike Sheldon, I never got tested. Like Sheldon, I enjoy a rigid schedule and consistencies.
I’m not up to being disappointed by restaurant food, so I always eat out at the same places, or blame my friends for recommending new ones. At work, I show up on time, leave on time, and complete my work, meeting their expectations. Don’t expect me to do extra with that measly pay you’ve threatened cut three times in a year.
So to keep balance in my mind & my environment, I didn’t gossip, I didn’t tattle, I did voice out concerns, sometimes, only to have it used against me. So I stopped doing that too. Over time, I imposed restrictions and limitations, often forfeiting the social qualities that gets you invited into different social groups.
I had to stop being funny because my jokes were usually at the expense of others and when I started noticing it, I became aware of it. Most were fine with the jokes, but the emotional side of me said I had to be more sensitive and change it.
So I did, I had changed myself to fit the narrative of the people around me. Guess what? I soon had no personality. Only under the influence of alcohol would I be the outgoing and friendly guy, but without I was known as the smiley, first to laugh, creepy/quiet dude. Some even thought I was too snobbish. Ugh.
Looking back, I self sabotaged for far too long. My thoughts and emotions were not aligned and it was eating me up inside. Despite knowing it, I thought I had control of my life, but that was a lie I fed myself. Little by little, for more than a decade, I allowed fear upon fear to take control of my mind. My only solace? Anime & weed.
Changes bring difficult times, it may make you sad, it may make you bitter, it may change that “ideal graph projection” you had for yourself. But change can also make you harder, better, faster, stronger. Working on yourself is never over. It should be a constant, never-ending process. Find that sweet spot.
The biggest limitation however, is the one you place on yourself. A mindset that you may think is perfect, but is slowly corrupting your worldview. And should you choose to change, being stuck with the same systems and environmental constraints adds to it. They will introduce new rules to confine, new puppets to lead, new playgrounds to distract, cause some things’ll never change.
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There’ll be no changes, introduced integration but ensured only they were in the fancy spaces. They spewed freedom, but made sure you were still slaves to the system. Hidden economy designed to disgrace yourselves, pimping, thugging, extorting and executing yourselves, placed that bullseye on your back, you chose to never come back. You can’t trust no one, not even your own blood or thorn. A quick buck will make your morals run amok. But things haven’t changed, it’s still the way it is.
You wanted national peace, but you got race based riots. We have misplaced legions, profiting of diseased religions. You wanted love but the churches are part of the system. Profiteering, masquerading, abusing in the name of Jesus. Getting high together seems to be the only escape from the bigger picture. Because reality is, it brings jitters. You prayed for a black president, you got a black president. Though his legacy will be shrouded in controversy, in healthcare and in mental health, he opened the gates to mental warfare with sexuality being their god. Perhaps its time for a real black president, show the children how a real man acts. Strong and gentle, smart and relatable, God in the center and never loud for nothing. But people want to be regular joes in a status quo. So things will never change, it’s still the way it is.
Don’t be fooled by the idols they put on your screens, don’t be distracted by their jewels and plastic fillers, by their fancy suits and handsome smiles, they only have one god, selling their soul to the highest bidder, a pretty penny to dance to, Kenny and Jenny are common idiots, malleable ingots that became mans giga bigots.
As long as you remain in the system, the system will have the power to keep repeating itself. They give you new things to keep you entertained with the same old illusion of “peace” & “happiness”. While in reality, you’ll feel the stings of hardships more.
You’d trade in that Chanel purse to see your father again. You’d trade your 22 certificates for a handwritten note from mom. You’d wish you didn’t sell the family home to buy a car. You’d wish you didn’t splurge money to gain friends. You’d wish you’d focus on lifelong rewards instead of temporary gratifications. You’d wish you weren’t 55 before understanding what family, love or happiness meant.
Unfortunately, reality will always trump illusions.
The thing is, we experience the SAME life differently, and unless we’re willing to make changes, we’ll be stuck in the same old mindset — a trapped state of mind that we need to liberate ourselves from.
Fortunately for us, we’re not trapped in the systems that governs us, unless you are in heaps of debt. Educational debt anyone? So stupid for any government if you think of it, but now you know why they do it. Keep you in the system. If they could start you younger, they would.
I hated change, but change is mandatory for growth. We’re fed an illusion to keep us happy, but that isn’t happiness. You’re just fulfilling your role to keep the corrupt/failing system alive — We’re imbued to the system or is it the other way around? There’s no escape. That’s what they want us to think. Let’s try to save the next generation. At least some.
Repentance is the first step to change for many. Acknowledging ones sins carries much weight, and repentance alleviates it. However, constant indulging & repenting of the same sin is hypocritical by nature. I am certainly looking forward to the day I commit to being a forthright Christian. Need to work on myself plenty more. Especially confidence & discipline.
P.S: Diddy fo’ sho’ ended Biggie & Pac. I think.
This is part of a series under “Project Kuchiku”, a project designed to help Fix the Future through Platform Building.
Please help this imperfect soul try to perfect this project by contributing $1/month here and share this idea of a better future with potential futurists. Arigato =)
