The flat foot epidemic
Nobody wants to acknowledge it
(Disclaimer: This little piece of no real value is a satire. Please do not heed my advice and do not start litigations against me!)
Since April 16, 2025, it’s official and therefore true: US Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has declared: There is an epidemic (i.e., a contagious disease) of autism. Kennedy also identified the causes: vaccinations against measles, mumps, and rubella that trigger autism. Children must be protected from such coercive measures, because vaccinations in children are like the Holocaust. Moreover, every scientifically educated layperson knows that measles can be treated with cod liver oil and vitamin A. Vaccinations are bad anyway, as Kennedy already knew in January 2022 at a rally in Washington: “Americans have had fewer freedoms during the pandemic [referring to COVID] than the Jews in Nazi Germany.”
Such courage to argue and act against left-wing media and so-called experts has greatly impressed me. And so I set out to find other hidden epidemics, neglected or even hushed up by the government, and I found one. There is, in fact, an epidemic of flat feet nobody talks about.
Flat feet are a terrible ailment, against which not even the supposedly dangerous vaccinations offer any relief. And, yes, there are significantly more people suffering from this condition than we care to admit. I know this from personal experience.
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A good friend of mine, a tango dancer like myself, disappeared from the scene for more than six months. When he reappeared, I asked him why he had been absent. “My fallen arches were causing me problems,” he confessed. Well, fallen arches needn’t be flat feet, but they’re almost the same, a kind of precursor. And they had considerably reduced his quality of life.
Recently, a distant cousin of mine confessed that he, too, had suffered from this deplorable condition since childhood. The doctors can’t do anything about it, the health insurance companies don’t recognize his disability, and a letter to the Minister of Health went unanswered.
This proves it: There’s a flatfoot epidemic.
Now, there are surely some readers who consider themselves particularly clever, “know-it-alls” who will retort: Two cases aren’t proof. But they are! As a physicist, I should know. The Higgs boson has only been observed twice (allegedly), but every educated physicist knows: It exists. And gravitational waves have only been reliably measured twice, but every educated physicist knows: They exist. And the one solar eclipse that Einstein confirmed… but I digress.
So, the proof is here. As a responsible citizen, I naturally thought about the causes of this epidemic. After researching the childhoods of the individuals mentioned, I found the answer: The poor people developed their condition at around three years old, precisely when children are already practicing standing and walking. Therefore, the cause is clear: Children stand on their feet too early. As they learn to walk upright, their foot bones flatten. And thus, the remedy is also clear: Please do not stand or walk!
I appeal to all parents: Train your children as early as possible to master life while lying down, or at least sitting. If they don’t like the television program, it can be changed or stopped with the push of a button on the remote control. Shopping is unnecessary anyway; Amazon delivers everything to your door. Eating can be done while lying down, as the ancient Romans already proved, and surely devices will soon appear on the market that dispose of undigested food and drink residue in an odorless and clean manner, without the afflicted individuals having to get up from their couches.
Only in this way can the nation’s health be maintained. Citizens, become a member of MAHA (Make America Holy Again)! We need strong men (women may stay at home), like the Eskimos, excuse me: the Inuit, living mostly on cod liver oil, which makes them resistant against evil influences from the left. People like these surely should join America!
