The Gem I Spent Years Looking For Was Me
Dear Reader,
While you admire everyone else, don’t miss yourself.
When I was younger, I faced rejection and didn’t quite fit the pretty, popular or ‘fun’ mould. As a result, I found myself seeking my value in others — because I wasn’t the prettiest, I wanted to be friends with the pretty girls; because I wasn’t popular or sought after, I wanted to be closely affiliated with the girls who were sought after; because I wasn’t everyone’s preference, I wanted to be around those who were preferred amongst many.
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Additionally, I was very misunderstood. Consequently, I began to believe my personality was not good enough. I laughed like the pretty girl at church, spoke like the smart girl at school , and borrowed pieces of other girls until I no longer knew where they ended and I began. In other words, I was wearing an amulgamation of personalities that didn’t belong to me because my experience of being misunderstood made me believe that being myself was unsafe. In hindsight, I realise I had learned to hide.
I believed I could never be relevant without associating with people of a certain calibre; that relevance was something that I could only borrow. I thought that if I I mounted major efforts to stand close enough to beautiful people, popular people, talented people, some of their shine mught rub off on me.
As usual, childhood friends often grow apart when they grow older and pursue different paths in life. When this happened, I realised that many of my beliefs were about the furthest thing from the truth: I in fact could live life without leaning on someone else’s beauty, personality and relevance. That’s what I love about isolation: it forces one to face themselves, it is like a pulpit that invites important questions to take the reigns. When it is working out for the good, it hearkens one’s ears to the right voice — God’s voice, while silencing those whose work was to discourage and deter.
That’s when my journey to self-discovery began. I still had a lot to learn but the epiphany that sparked this revolution was realising that I was a gem myself. I did not have to walk through life hiding all that God had created me to be. By being so fixed on what other girls had — their beauty, talents, popularity and the like, I couldn’t see what I carried. It’s like walking around with a basket full of food to sustain you in life, but never enjoying it because you are seeking food and nourishment in other people’s baskets. And who knows that the food in your own basket was intentionally curated for your specific needs and wants?
If you’re reading this and are struggling with envy or jealousy, do not be ashamed because those are human feelings and experiences; perhaps you are struggling to see yourself.
For now, my task for you is twofold: ask yourself whether you’re aware you have your own basket and whether you’re looking through it with the vigour you owe it. If you aren’t, it’s time to make adjustments.
