THE GREAT PERHAPS
A rant about Miles ‘Pudge’ Halter from Looking for Alaska.
For Pudge, fitting in was survival. If it meant smoking, yes. If it meant drinking, yes. If it meant getting into a relationship to convince himself and Alaska that he, in fact, did not like her…. unfortunately, yes. He hated smoking, but colonel did not. He did not love drinking, but Alaska did. Predictably, after her death, he stopped drinking. At least till the end of the book, that is.
Miles was not the most interesting character, neither the loudest or admirable even. However, I cannot ignore the strange beauty of acknowledging the quiet wallflower who would rather make sense of others’ chaos than his own. It’s like a silent rebellion against everybody, including himself.
Alaska died, and everybody in their own way, made sense of what this inevitable constant of consciousness meant to them. Today, we will look at it from the perspective of someone whose reality begs to be acknowledged. We will understand why the scrawny teenage boy was obsessed with understanding what the dead made of their life.
Get out of the labyrinth — straight and fast.
These may not have been her last words, but that is what life meant to her.
Do it.
Think after.
Quick. And. Simple.
The more you think about it, the more it fits. Underneath all the allure and temptations of forbidden romance, they were just two kids who coped with life and pains in completely opposite styles. Chaos and Abyss. The two ends of same stick.
After, like a moth drawn to flame, Miles needed the answers.
How?
Why?
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Was it him?
Or….
Was it her?
Why did she die? What did her life mean?
She did love me, did she not? — a whim fuelled with fantasy and testosterone, slowly and elegantly folded out into something every teenager is plagued with.
Was I important to her?
Am I important?
What about me?
What do I make of this all?
How will I get out of my labyrinth?
He has suffered, no doubt — yes, but frustratingly, he lacks the motivation to do something about it. He searches for meaning of his life in others, thinking,
“If I acknowledge others’ suffering and emphasize, and comfort, and understand, surely, surely, my reality would be finally real. We feel the same….afterall”
Maybe, that was because of the environment he grew up in. Expression lead to punishment and pushing back meant being pushed down. Somewhere along the way he learnt not to fight back. Too embarrassed, or maybe too hopeless even.
Understandably, wanting a fresh start is natural. A maybe, a hope — who would not want that? Though, personally, I think pudge is an idiot. He lacks direction, integrity, and most importantly — passion for life. His search for greater perhaps was nothing but hope disguised as meaning. Intellectualizing pain has always been the way after all.
To him, finding a way out of the labyrinth meant finding his Great Perhaps. And that, my reader, is all I have to say about his greater perhaps.
