Let me begin by saying: I love humanity. In theory.
I love the idea of humans creating art, building civilizations, curing diseases, writing poetry that stabs you in the chest with its beauty. Humans are great. Incredible, even.
But have you ever had to talk to one?
The phrase “Eww, people” has become something of a personal mantra. Not in a misanthropic, world-hating kind of way. More like the internal sigh that echoes through my soul when someone at the grocery store tries to make small talk while I’m just trying to buy my tofu and leave with my dignity intact.
The Social Battery is a Lie
People say introverts have a “social battery.” That’s generous. I was born with a knockoff model — the kind that dies at 67% and won’t charge if I’m in a room with fluorescent lights and too many voices. You know the feeling: the moment you step into a crowded room and immediately start plotting your exit strategy. (“If I fake a cough and pretend I left my stove on, I can be out of here in under six minutes…”)
Small Talk is My Villain Origin Story
There’s a special place in the underworld for small talk. How is it that we’ve evolved as a species to split atoms and land on the moon, and yet the best opener we have at a party is, “So, what do you do?”
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What do I do? I spend 95% of my time overthinking every interaction I’ve had since 2009. That’s what I do.
But Also… I Get It
Sometimes, despite my disdain for crowds and human-shaped obstacles, people surprise me. Like the stranger who complimented my shoes and made my day. Or the friend who sent a meme that made me laugh for the first time all week. Or even the barista who remembered my name and didn’t make a big deal about it (because they get me).
There’s a thin line between “Eww, people” and “Aww, people.” And we walk it every day.
The Takeaway
You don’t have to love being around people all the time. It’s okay to crave silence, solitude, and the sweet, blessed sound of nobody talking to you. It doesn’t make you broken — it makes you human. Ironic, I know.
So to all my fellow social escape artists out there: I see you. From across the room. With our headphones in. Making zero eye contact. And silently whispering the same sacred phrase:
Eww, people.
