Losing A Mom
Originally written THURSDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2016
Last night when news broke that not only Carrie Fisher had died, but her mother Debbie Reynolds too… I just started crying. I couldn’t catch my breath, I thought I was going to have a panic attack… Thankfully I didn’t. I concentrated on JC’s voice downstairs, on Smokey sitting on the other end of the couch, I concentrated on just breathing.
I remembered losing my mom. It’s been almost 19.5 years… That horrible August day, I flashed back, I lost my mom all over again. It turned into sobbing. Thankfully JC came up the stairs right then, and he comforted me. I went to our bedroom and snuggled with Bert. I needed hugs.
My heart breaks for Carrie’s daughter Billie, who not only lost a mom, but a grandmother in less than 36 hours. Before Wednesday at least she had her grandma to help her through things, but then Debbie passed too and she’s left alone… Sure she’s got a great group of famous friends and family, and and awesome dog (Gary Fisher is so cool, he even follows me on Instagram)… but I know a very similar pain, I know the loss of a mom.
You all know my love of the Gilmore Girls; my mom and I were like that. We talked about EVERYTHING. She never judged me, she was my biggest defender, my hero, my idol, my inspiration. We shopped way too much, we hung out all the time, she taught me all about art & crafts, she instilled in me a desire to always keep learning, she helped me learn how to drive… She was my first love.
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When she passed I was at McDonald’s… I went into the hospital, the emergency room since that’s where they took her, and the front desk secretary was on the phone talking to someone… somewhere… saying they didn’t need a room for my mom as she had just died.
Yeah.
I know. That’s how the news was broken to me that my mom was gone. I called my dad, told him to get there right away. Went into the holding room that the emergency room had, and listened to a woman give birth. I prayed (maybe for the last time) that my mom would be that little baby’s guardian angel.
And since then there have been good days, bad days, horrible awful black days that I have purposely tried to forget, and amazing days where I wish she could have been there. I wish she’d have been there when I moved to Denver, I wish I could have told her about first meeting JC, about how he stole my heart, she would have helped me move here to Wichita, she would have been in my wedding pictures, she would have made my dad come to my wedding.
This is the pain I carry. I miss my mom. Days like this, days when moms die, I miss my mom.
I hope that Billie has people around her right now, she needs it.
