THOU SHALT NOT
I have always had a curious, wandering mind that never fully accepts or believes anything deeply without questioning it
Not for the sake of arrogance, but knowing a ‘why’ is so important to me because whyyyy. Getting a clear context of the ‘why’ makes me more loyal and committed to the said thing, and so I will question.
One curse of mankind is limits, and my questioning of things, as I was taught, had a limit — Thou shall NOT question God.
This commandment was both spoken and unspoken.
“You cannot question God, and His word.” was the standard response to questions of theology, psychology, and spiritualism that was not explicitly answered in the Bible, and probing deeply could even lead to insanity or death, or both. So it’s advised to steer clear and take God as we see, no questions.
BREAKING A COMMANDMENT
As someone who was always cautious about following the rules, even when I was internally non-conforming, I steered clear of questioning God. But deep within, I side-eyed some concepts and things I heard or read about Him that didn’t make sense to me, or sit right.
The unspoken rule was that questioning of scripture should rather be convenient, comfortable and not too deep — questions that a preacher could ‘maybe’ answer easily, like the ones we’d ask the teacher in children’s church.
You could ask “Were there 3 wise men?”, “Did Jonah really get eaten?” But avoid the forbidden questions like; “Why did God have regret?”, “Why don’t all prayers get answered?” Those controversial bits should be avoided altogether.
This avoidance of questioning was positioned not as fear, but more as a form of reverence to God — He is all-knowing and we’re not, so it’s okay to follow Him without an explanation from Him.
Trust.
Sometimes, I’d catch myself internally asking “but why’d You do that?”, then beat myself up for falling right into the loop of questioning Him. I’d pretend that I didn’t have those questions, hoping they would magically evaporate from my mind if I ignore them enough, because I realised that even if I pondered the questions only in my heart He could ‘hear’ them still and feel utterly disappointed that I did not trust Him enough.
I was Thomas, always needing logical proof.
A MOMENT CHANGES EVERYTHING
Eventually, I grew older, and so did my faith. I loved being a Christian and having a faith to call mine, but I was a little on the edge with accepting some ideas without question, and it put a strain on how far I could progress in my faith walk. It was like an access card you couldn’t RSVP to — the entry rules were laid, but you couldn’t confirm if the shade of the ‘Green’ colour code was teal green, or emerald, or forest, you just had to come and come correct.
So many questions stayed suppressed within my chest until one night in 2020 — after a series of depressive episodes, I lost all moral restraints and let all the questions explode out of my chest. I released it all so completely that I felt a physical pang in my chest. And I questioned Him so hard without skipping a beat. I didn’t care if I ran mad or even died on the spot because of the audacity of my ‘irreverance’. It just didn’t seem right not to be able to simply ask.
Then came Silence. Absolute crickets.
I slept that night so frustrated, angry, sad, and as weak as someone who had just thrown up every ounce of food in their system and felt empty right after.
In the days to come, I slowly but surely lost my faith. I decided I was no longer interested in His rules or unapproachable nature — the unquestionable God who would only speak to us from His perspective, but to whom we couldn’t bring our deepest worries and confusion.
The question of the existence of God was not in sight of this decision, I had experienced Him in countless ways — I undoubtedly knew God existed — if He didn’t, then who was I angry at, hoping for a response? I was just no longer interested in His no-go-area persona anymore.
ASK AND YOU RECEIVE
But, it’s hard to leave your first love. So time passed, but on another random night, I crept back in, and all I said was “Hi, if you still care, I’m here. I’m sorry I burst out like that the other time”, I pulled out my Bible from the cupboard it’d been and just left it by my bedside — a symbol of my return.
But something in me had changed from my time away, and I no longer felt the fear and hesitation to question. Maybe because I didn’t go mad and He didn’t kill me the first time. And in this new grit, I began unraveling my questions, bit after bit. I said to Him, “I’ll read Your word, speak to me through it. Help me to see past my judgment of You. Just give me an answer.”
His instruction came right after; He asked me to read through the Old Testament.
I used to be a ✨️New Testament girlie✨️ who thought that what mattered mainly was the works and words of Christ and the people after Him that propagated the gospel. I acknowledged the Old Testament, but I thought it was more historic culture, and only select books in it were relatable. I can’t lie, I wasn’t impressed by this request to read through all that, but of course, I asked for this.
This instruction had come towards the end of that year, so I stalled it as part of my resolution for the next year. The year came, and I started the reading a couple of days into it, but before February could fully settle in, I packed it up and just went about my usual way.
At this point, some questions I had for God had been made clear to me, either from an experience or a sermon, and so I just expected the pending answers to follow the trail.
My most pressing question at the time was knowing God’s take on gendered-inequality and the stance of the Bible being misogynistic from the parts and verse I’d seen that seemed to be what it was.
Misogyny has always been a great deal for me before I knew it had a name. I detest, to the last bone of me, the idea of misogyny so much that my term for misogynistic men was disgusting men (I still call them that).
Consequently, I thought that if men who saw women as inferior and spoke about them in condescending ways disgust me so much, how could I serve and love a misogynistic God?
For this inquiry, God asked that I set aside a section of my study journal and lay bare this question so He could take me through a process of exploring it.
Another year passed, and I tried to read through the Old Testament again. This time, I got through to the Book of Chronicles and gave it up again. Largely because reading verses in context had convinced me that God is not misogynistic, neither was it endorsed by Him for being in the Bible, and showed to me an even broader sense of the topic — this revelation was satisfying for me.
But He wasn’t done responding to me.
At the start of this year, I accidentally started a one-year Bible plan that goes through the Bible chronologically (which was so odd for me because I’d never been big on plans or devotionals) — so you can tell this is the doing of the Lord, because I’m eight months strong into the plan. Hallelujah!
I remember starting off the chapters and just asking God for a start-over, “rid me of everything I know, or I think I know. Teach me Your word by Yourself, and help me to understand; not by my sentiment, or what I hope for it to be or mean, rather, for what You mean.”
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That was a needed posture for my studying because I saw the unconscious pattern of Christians trying to ‘protect an image of God’ such that we’d inteprete things the socially acceptable way, and give meaning to scriptures in a way that wouldn’t seem weird to society. That has never worked.
Then, like the woman at the well, I set aside the bucket I used to draw from the well built for us when I met the One who quenches all thirst.
DRAWING FROM THE DEEP
The reality of having that prayer answered — of seeing God and His Word in a brand-new way, of experiencing God in such an unquantifiable pattern will forever be such a humbling and unreal experience for me. I do not know how to describe how much my brain chemistry has been completely altered by an experience of God.
Last year, all that God taught me was how much He loves me (us) — the crippling weight of His love, His faithfulness, His tender-heartedness to all of mankind. And in this moment, with all the answers I have received, I now believe this entire process was an intentional sequel to bring me to this very point where I know Him, learn from Him and question Him — but first knowing His heart towards me (us), and how much He longs to pull me (us) in, more eager than I was to be answered.
I have now learned so deeply that God is Love, and when there is a context of His word that seems vengeful, conflicting or confusing, I simply ask Him to show me Himself and where His love lies in all of it. And He does.
ON THE QUESTION OF QUESTIONING GOD
Where we get it wrong so many times is an attempt to understand a concept beyond our cognitive bandwidth using frameworks of the categories available in our grasp.
The way to know deeper is to thrust to the deep One — into the rivers unexplored.
In my journey through the Old Testament, there is a new lens I now possess; I now have a core understanding of various occurrence in scripture; like the significance of the birth of the nation Israel, the context to the ten commandments — as it not being a set of do’s and don’ts but an invitation to a relationship and a social trajectory, how the Book of Leviticus isn’t
just restrictive, dense, and ritualistic, but a necessary manual for living , for their interest— bearing dietary precautions, medical foresights, social relations, and legalities for ancient Israel about to become a nation and importantly, coming into a communion with their God.
I see God’s heart to His called people and even to the nations afar off.
It’s like a whole new world!
WHY WE SHOULD QUESTION GOD
The danger of learning and teaching that God should not be questioned is that we put a barrier to experiencing the fullness of God.
Seriously, what do we really think? That God is going to pee in His pants, gasp for air, hands-up in surrender, and step down from Heaven because the questions are beyond His threshold of knowledge? Or that He will get furious over the sheer audacity of questioning and snuff out the asker’s breath?
This is not the God that I’ve come to know.
‘Questioning God’ is not challenging His unquestionable authority. It is rather a prospect or desire to know Him more, even when we don’t recognize that it’s our heart longing for a truth it can trust.
We question a teacher when we have come to the end of our understanding and we long to know more. This is the posit of questioning.
LET US COME TO THE CONCLUSION OF THE MATTER
Without judgment, I understand the sentiment behind keeping away from questioning God over controversial things with an urge to ‘protect’ the faith, as it can plummet into the deconstructing of one’s faith, especially since the core tenet of our faith hangs on a humanly illogical virgin birth and a resurrection from dead. It makes sense that anyone could say, ‘just accept and believe’.
In truth, questioning the things of God could come off as being faithless and an irreverence to God, but when Thomas doubted, Jesus filled the gap and gave him the assurance he desired.
However, this fear we have come to learn constrains us and keeps us out at His gate as though it is barred and we are only able to see Him but not touch Him.
But perfect love, as the one God embodies for us, casts away all fear and introduces us to a warmth of an embrace into Him — the one that leans into His very heart.
OH! TO LEARN OF THE LORD!
The ultimate truth is that God is too big to fully grasp, and no amount of questioning or answers will ever be fully enough, and this by itself hinges on the fact that our minds cannot even quantify transcendental concepts enough to string it all together into a question. There are questions we will never get to ask, and there are answers we will never get to receive, so naturally, there is a longing, and there is a refrain. There is faith, and there is substance. There is reverence, and there is evidence. There is a question, and there is an answer.
These are not mutually exclusive.
As I write this piece on questioning God, rather than the perceived irreverence it brings, I find myself pausing at intervals with the feeling of an inexplicable sense of gratitude, simply overwhelmed by the sheer privilege that the God of the Universe cares to draw me in, to hear my thoughts and my opinion, to show His perspective to me, and break it down to me in a language that I can understand. Hardly would a man of status care about opinions and explaining Himself to subjects, but in these moments, God sees me as a daughter and friend — one to have an honest conversation with, and give me a good laugh while at it. The magnificence and the wonder of such a humbling moment — to move past the noise of the world and the truth that I’ve made up for myself, all to lean into the Father’s lap and hear Him speak from His well of wisdom.
And then comes a shift. The questions move away from uncertainty and doubt to wonder and awe. From “what kind of God does this?” to “what kind of God is this?” And “what is man that You are so mindful of Him?”
IT KEEPS ON…
Not everything makes sense still in my human mind, and genuinely not even all the answers, but I’ve come to see that His ways are constant and rooted firmly in the one Truth — God is good, tender-hearted to mankind, and wiser beyond our farthest sight. He’s not unsure or uncertain about His actions, He has lived through time, and He knows it all.
This is my current knowledge of the Lord, and when I remember that there is much more to know — a sea of knowledge to learn from Him day after day, year after year, until eternity, I am again astounded by what a God He is.
It’s really laughable that we consider ourselves wiser, advanced, and more rational when the world we host is the mess it is — fleeting truths and nuanced half-perspectives.
The Lord is teaching me in my current mental capacity and reasoning, and He brings the knowledge of Him to where I’m at — He does this with every. single. person in the exact pattern peculiar to them, whilst still having a constant truth through one billion interpretations. Mind-blown.
He is not taken aback by my wandering, curious mind. He made it.
So today, I invite you to ask Him, probe Him, question Him — He welcomes you to learn of Him, for this is His own intention.
Thank you for reading through.❤️
This is somewhat a difficult piece for me, and I was crippled by the thought of not being able to do enough justice to the conversation, especially since it sets the stage for another ‘hard’ topic I intend to publish — The Bible and Misogyny. But I’ve chosen to be honest and contain my version in the way it has come to me — the process and how God has led me through it.
I sought out to understand God’s ways not from my bias of what I hoped He’d say so that I could breathe a sight of relief and defend him for being on my side. So I am so grateful that He’s the kind of God that takes us past ourselves and invites us into the splendor of Himself.
