The First Mistake I made as a Muslim Wife.
I tried to be perfect. What does that mean?
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I wanted to be understanding, caring, loving, and welcoming of both my husband and his entire extended family. I wanted to please everyone. Make the perfect food. Be the perfect wife. The one that doesn’t complain. Always smiling. Welcoming my husband the second he walks through the door. Welcome my In-laws to every aspect of my life. Be the perfect daughter-in-law. Treat my MIL like she’s my own mom. Take care of her every need. Look after her. Convince her to stay with us after retirement etc. Abandon my immediate family in an effort to be loyal to my in-laws. In all of these thoughts I didn’t realize that I was creating so much pressure on myself and that really I was setting myself up to explode.
I should have trusted myself, that I am already a kind, caring, understanding and loving person. That as long as I stay true to my core values, everything would turn out fine. That I didn’t need to try so hard. Abandoning my family doesn’t make me loyal to my in-laws but rather makes me unloyal to the people who have loved me and taken care of me since birth. I should have realized that my husband loves me for who I am with him rather than the tasks I perform for him. I am his partner. I should have known that my mother-in-law is not my mom by any means. That she’s her own person with her own history, lifestyle and personality. Treating her exactly the way I treat my mom is unfair to her. That I needed to create that bond and relationship over time. I should have asked her what she wanted to do post-retirement rather than spelling it out for her. In an effort to be perfect I hurt everyone around me. Moreover, I was angry with them because they weren’t appreciating all these things I was going out of my way to do for them. One day I sat in bed alongside my husband crying and complaining (fighting really) about how I am being taken foregranted especially considering everything I am doing. My husband looked at me puzzled and asked, well then why are you doing it? It’s not like I am asking you to do all these things. Only take actions that make you happy, and don’t worry about anyone else including me. I was even more upset with him now, because to me it sounded like he wants me to be a selfish person. I am not selfish, I like to take care if those around me. In the end, he made me realize that I cannot control the reaction nor response of others. That if I enjoy being selfless just for the sake of being selfless regardless of what kind of response I would get then I should do it. But if people’s responses or reactions would change how I perceive my selfless acts then I shouldn’t burden myself with them because I cannot control the people around me. This realization has set me free. And it’s helping my marriage
