Family
How does that song go?
Siblings, siblings, siblings, siblings
I have many many siblings.
Three older brothers.
Two older sisters.
Countless cousins and aunts and uncles and great aunts and great uncles
“Big family, huh?”
“Yep! Not even I know everyone here, hun.”
“I’m honestly kind of jealous. All these people looking out for you.”
“They’re your family too now, don’t forget.”
It’s strange, honestly.
Having such a huge family.
From all over the country.
From all over the world, really.
Some of whom I still have never met.
We are a casserole dish of nationalities.
A balderdash of cultures.
“Oh, we’re legitimately descended from royalty?”
“Yes, isn’t it cool? We’re also related by marriage to this royal family.”
“Cool. Which one’s our ancestor?”
“These two.”
“Cool.”
It’s strange.
Having so many people
So many faces
As part of your lineage
It’s odd
Isn’t it?
That I had my heraldic crest made when I was six years old.
You can tell I was young when I chose what to put on it.
Haha, Winnie the Pooh is on my heraldic crest.
Eldest sister will never let me live that one down.
“You can tell what age everyone was when we had these made, huh.”
“STOP, I was six years old! How was I supposed to know what to put on it?”
“Aww, I think it’s cute. It suits you.”
“I’d rather not go down in history as the girl who put Winnie the Pooh on her official heraldic crest, haha.”
“Too bad! Too late to change it!”
I love my family.
I do.
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And yet, as with any family, we have our fights.
Our big arguments.
When I was a kid, sometimes the fights were so big.
So terrifying.
Sometimes I still panic when my mother raises her voice.
Or my father.
“Stop! STOP! I can’t breathe!”
“Then WRITE. YOUR ESSAY. FASTER.”
“I can’t! You’re scaring me!”
“I wouldn’t be angry if you were getting your work done!”
“Mom, stop, please calm down, I’m TRYING! I’m trying…”
“***MOTHER*** Calm down and let her write.”
“If you’re not finished with this essay by the time I get back, I’ll give you a REAL reason to cry.”
It’s confusing.
To both love and fear
The ones who were supposed to protect you
And did
But still hurt you, when it suited them.
I know my family cares for me.
I know my parents only want what’s best.
And yet…
And yet, and yet, and yet.
I still have nightmares
So many nightmares
Of monsters
Wearing the face, mimicking the voice
Of my beloved parents.
It’s not fair.
I’m tired.
It’s strange.
It’s odd.
It’s confusing.
It’s.
Not.
Fair.
