Nothing Creates Itself
Two humans learn compassion from a stolen alien ship
Life support systems are down to 12 percent, enough for one person to make it home, but not both of us. My partner is going home, no question about that. But if I revive her now, the stress and inevitable argument will consume a lot more N2O2. If she wakes up in re-entry and finds me dead, she’ll kill me.
I could switch us both to breathing fluid but if she wakes up submerged and starts to panic she could collapse her lungs and be dead in seconds.
Okay, maybe I can use the neural interface to talk to her in REM dreamstate and explain to her the situation. But she may not have full recall of the dream communication before she feels that awful drowning sensation. It takes weeks of practice to breath liquid and she’s had none of that. It’s all about learning to control the reflex to keep the liquid out of your lungs.
It took me over a week to figure it out. I can’t imagine she’ll get it instantly, and that’s what it will take to survive this! There is no worse way to die than liquid hyper-inspiration. We’re 37 hours from re-entry and we’ve got less than twenty four hours of life support left. What to do, what to do…
We’re already travelling as close to light speed as any human ever has. To get us home in 24 hours I would have to inertia-surf us into orbit and then use the remaining antimatter reserves to slow our descent into earth’s atmosphere. We’ll be pulling about 12 G’s. Humans don’t have the cell density for that kind of pressure. The Acrezians I stole this starhopper from have a way to effectively achieve hyperlight velocities and conserve N2O2, but what am I gonna say,
“Hi, we’re the humans who stole your ship. We plan to reverse engineer it so we can settle Calisto before you do? Can you please help us survive the trip back to earth?” That’s gonna go over well…
(BOO-BOOP) [request understood. Say “proceed” to receive instructions]
Oh snap! The ship heard me and it’s willing to help! Fantastic! Proceed.
[Reset target destination to Acrezia fifteen earth minutes before you boarded this vessel…]
Oh, it’s a trick. It’s trying to get me to bring back the ship…
[Deceit and dishonesty do not exist in Acrezian culture]
Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Continue instructions.
[After resetting your destination you will arrive at Acrezia Port in 12 earth seconds. Report to hyperjump station 7 immediately. Enter exact destination on earth. And occupy the hyperjump transpod. You will arrive at your destination on earth in 13.4 earth seconds.]
Wait, how can you travel that fast?
[By using the hyperjump field, dark matter compressor, and dimensional scaler in precise coordination, travel is unnecessary. Placer vectoring is a technology you haven’t discovered yet.]
But the minute we show up, the Acrezian authority will incarcerate us for stealing this vessel.
[You will not have stolen the vessel yet.]
You have a point.
[Incorrect, nearlightspeed vessels have no tapered convergent surfaces.]
Don’t take everything so literally.
[Please specify the requested ambiguity tolerance]
Oh, gimme a brea- er, belay that. Ambiguity tolerance plus or minus 0.00
[Understood… Suggest you revive your passenger now.]
Oh yeah! Thank you for reminding me! Wow! Artificial Intelligence that thinks proactively, and has compassion for other life forms. I hope humans get there someday.
[Acrezian civilization took almost two billion earth years to achieve social stability. You will achieve it in 140 earth years from next Thursday.]
Dezmi? Dezmi can you hear me? Rise and shine. We’ll be home in less than a minute.
Huh? What? Oh, okay… But I don’t have anything to wear!
[You have .3 earth minutes to reset course to Acrezia]
Uh-oh! Busted!
It’s okay Dez’ I’ll explain later…
[Commencing course change and temporal reset on your signal.]
Go!
(DJJJOOOORRNOOOOOO)
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[Please exit Vessel and proceed to jump station 7.]
Thank you, Vessel.
[You’re welcome. Prioritize compassion.]
We will, Vessel… I see jump station 7! C’mon!
(BEEEOOOOOOOOORRRRNNNN)
[You have arrived]
Welcome back sir, ma’am
Thank you, Sgt. Cortez, I’m sorry we failed to retain the vessel.
What do you mean? It’s right over there. You just deboarded it.
What? Oh!
Hey, could I get something to cover up with?
Sorry Dezmi. Your suit is in the vessel, I’ll get it for you.
…Uh, Vessel. Open hatch.
(KSHZZZZT)
Good to see you again, Vessel! To what do I owe the good fortune.
[Acrezian generosity. Her suit is in cabinet 4]
I’m deeply grateful. I’ll be back in a minute…
Dezmi! catch.
Thank you.
If you’ll excuse me…
Vessel, can you bring me up to speed on placer vectoring?
[Yes, but to understand the concept will require that you discard your current understanding of spacetime.]
Oh is that all?
[Yes, but you underestimate the discipline such an act demands]
I was being humorous.
[Unknown term: “humorous.”]
You teach me placer vectoring, I’ll teach you humor.
[referencing “humor” …concept understood. Placer vectoring and humor are nearly identical in meaning.]
Really? So the time-space continuum is all a big joke to you?
[Why did the chicken cross the road?]
Why?
[Because the road and the chicken are linked by quantum entanglement, thus sharing a common destiny in the field of probability. The perception that the trajectory of the chicken intersected the road was a fabrication of the observer.]
I don’t get it.
[You had to be there.]
Good one! Okay, start from the beginning.
[There is no “the beginning.”]
I suppose next you’re gonna say there’s no
“The End.”
