Describe Aware, Without it.
You are your own rumination
Have you ever felt in a moment of a flicker, in a silence and absence of thought, that sometimes when you look at yourself at a mirror, you see yourself. Not the kind that you usually does, everyday on that same wall — but the sense a different being standing, watching you, looking at you with its eyes, mimicking your movement and whole appearance.
A literal whole meaning and purpose of a mirror, isn’t it? It’s to see your own reflection. It significance is to serve your own picture for the sole of your appraisal of yourself. But that eerie feeling, when the thought of the question why, when it becomes it’s own storm of voice, that you need to evaluate yourself.
Because the point is you do. A lot of people do. Humans live with meaning, and what the world describes you became what you live for. It is also the reason why fame, status, and money became the thing that people chase for — glory for its character. But what if you stepped outside of the mirror, and start to appraise? You can’t. Because you don’t know what to evaluate.
Fernando Pessoa wrote in The Book of Disquiet,
Man shouldn’t be able to see his own face — there’s nothing more sinister. Nature gave him the gift of not being able to see it, and of not being able to stare into his own eyes.
Only in the water of rivers and ponds could he look at his face. And the very posture he had to assume was symbolic. He had to bend over, stoop down, to commit the ignominy of beholding himself.
The inventor of the mirror poisoned the human heart.
It is the state that you both know who you are and have no clue who you are. You’re both the narrator and main character of your own life, and you spend a great deal of your time analyzing yourself from the 3rd person. Every word you say, every movement you make, and even every thought you think has been carefully curated to create a ‘character’ of you.
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You know everything about yourself, so it feels like you know nothing about yourself. You have no idea whether your feelings are real or whether you fabricated them in order to fit your artificial identity.
Even the most ‘raw’ parts of your emotion are intentionally raw, and it caused you to feel absolutely horrible, knowing that even your truest self might not actually be my truest self, and is just what you create your truest self to look like.
You mightn’t feel human.
Maybe the person who lets external events trouble him as little as possible would feel the most out of their life. Because to do so, they need to armor themselves by surrounding it with realities that are closer to them than those events, and through which the events reach them, changed so as to accord with those realities.
Still, perhaps the most comforting thing about delving into this level of the human experience is knowing there are a few other humans who dared to think as far as you did, and they feel the terror, beauty, and absurdity of it all just as much as you do.
If you ask yourself “what’s the point?”, the point is whatever you decide is the point. Find something meaningful to you and live for it, dive towards it and grab it tight and never let it go, because that is what will bring you comfort and resolution. It could be a person, a passion, a way of life, as long as it means something to you it’s worth pursuing and clinging to it.
Being it is agony, especially when you are stuck with actions that you can’t control. Sometimes, you confuse who is actually conscious, is it your body, or perhaps the voices in your head arguing over justifications of every actions you made. Even without emotional intelligence, you are sensible of how your actions affect others physically and emotionally. It feels like the best persona of yourself is trapped inside your head and act as the “voices” and the worst version of you act as the vessel that move by your command — yet it feels wrong. Because to become it is to lead yourself to understand the non-existing and pointless thoughts that haunts you when your vessel don’t listen.
