Imbibing The Subtle Art…
Some books I pick up simply annoy me. Some intrigue me. Others start with a great plot to keep readers like me hooked, only to have it simmer down and become just like any other book towards the end. Rarely do you come across work like The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck, and rarely do you come across an author like Mark Manson.
For those familiar with his blog, you’ve read the way he writes before and his writing style will come as no surprise to you. I’m not familiar with his work, so his writing style and his book took me by surprise one day.
First of all, the book is bright orange. You can’t ignore it, you can’t (successfully) hide it, and once you pick it up, you can’t put it down. Languages differ, and so does the intensity of the orange cover, depending upon the publisher, but the book carries with it a really strong message which doesn’t change, no matter where you read it from — the beginning, the middle, or right at the end.
The book lets you off the hook, but also hooks you in.
Let me explain. First of all, it has an expletive right in the title. My kinda book. This shows you that Manson is not here to mince words, but to give you the truth, just the way it is. He doesn’t use pretty phrases, and doesn’t sugarcoat any of life’s difficult truths for you. Just like Disappointment Panda, who features throughout the book, Manson enlightens you by telling you the truth, just like it is.
If you haven’t heard of Disappointment Panda, you need to read this book ASAP.
So how does it let you off the hook?
Throughout the book, Manson gives you a counterintuitive approach to living a good life. Right from the start, we’ve all been taught to be good, do good, stay positive, avoid conflict, be the nicest person in class, be polite to your elders, respect everyone, blah-blah-freaking-blah.
Where has this got us? We are currently experiencing high levels of stress and frustration in our lives, mainly because we act like hamsters — put all our efforts in to run on the bloody wheel in our cage, chasing money, name, fame, and attention, and end up getting nowhere, because we’re still stuck in a cage. So what is all this niceness going to get us? Nothing but an existential crisis.
Manson tells you that although the fault may not lie with you (therefore letting you off the hook), for where you are in life, but the responsibility to change that stance lies with you. Your present and your future are in your hands. It is up to you to take responsibility for your life. This is how the book hooks you in.
The Subtle Art… is great to read on a quiet afternoon, or while travelling. It makes you question the way you think and do things, so be prepared for some uncomfortable thoughts and truths about you which will arise after reading this book.
Manson uses relevant examples to illustrate his point, he brings in Romeo and Juliet, The Beatles, his ex-girlfriend, Malala Yousafzai, etc. to show you various facets of human behaviour. He also writes that when human beings accept how limited and flawed they are, that’s when their growth begins. That’s when they start climbing the ladder to success. And that’s when they free themselves from the psychological constraints which have been imprinted on their minds by society.
I’ve listed down 5 crucial things which The Subtle Art… taught me and it’s changed my perspective on life. I’m as flawed a human being as the next person, but I have always been taught to emphasise my strengths and hide my flaws. Focus on the good. Stay positive. Avoid conflict, get along with everybody and give the world a sunny smile everyday. F*ck that.
Accepting that life is not perfect and neither am I has liberated me psychologically. By accepting that I am allowed to make mistakes, not know things, learn stuff from the ground up, my confidence levels have increased — because I no longer have to think and behave like I have it all together, all the time.
Of course, to truly imbibe what Manson is trying to teach you, you will have to read this book multiple times. The first time you read it, it will blow you away completely. The second time you read it, things will start making sense and sinking in. The third time you read it, you’ll be able to apply Manson’s principles to daily thoughts and life, and by the fourth time you read it, you’ll start seeing the change, the shift in perspective, the improvement in relationships and the overall quality of your life.
So, let’s take a look at the 5 major teachings from The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck:
Lesson #1 — In life, you have a limited number of f*cks to give, so choose your f*cks wisely.
Just like everything else in life, there is a limit to how many f*cks we can give. Think of f*cks as eggs in a basket. We have very few, so it makes sense to prioritise the most important issues in life and give our f*cks to those, right?
Wrong. Because that’s not what we do. We give too many f*cks about trivial things which severely limits the importance we can give the crucial things in life. Giving too many f*cks negatively impacts your mental health — it makes you go into overdrive. You’re constantly striving for perfection, you focus on the superficial and dedicate your life to chasing success and positivity — much like a hamster on a wheel.
Happiness, Manson writes, is not something that happens to you, one fine day. It’s a state caused by successfully solving problems and moving on to the next thing. The question then is, that do you know the calibre of problems you want to solve? In other words, do you know which areas of life you must give a f*ck about?
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Lesson #2 — Stop running and start confronting.
The Responsibility/Fault Fallacy is a beautiful concept this book has taught me and I’m eager to start applying it to my life. Thinking of yourself as a victim often ends up hurting you, because it places the fault and the responsibility to turn things around squarely in the hands of other people.
While the fault may lie with us, or with someone else, we have the responsibility to turn things around for ourselves.
Okay, your significant other dumped you and you’re sitting on the couch, sad as hell. Fine, take your time to mope, but then it’s your responsibility to pull up your socks and find the right person to be with.
The more we run away from our problems and chase the elusive butterfly we call ‘happiness’, the further it flies from us. Happiness comes when we stop running, face our problems head-on, solve them, and move on.
Lesson #3 — Kill yourself.
No, seriously, do it.
Okay, maybe not the way you’re thinking right now.
What Manson means by ‘kill yourself’ is that we have to kill this mental image we’ve created of ourselves, in order to fail, fall and grow. Buddhism encourages this practice as well, to free ourselves from the mental traps we’ve created for ourselves.
Additionally, he encourages you not to think you’re special or unique. Think of yourself as ordinary, the rule, not the exception. Doing this clears up your mind to learn more and be more. When we drop the fear of failure (brought about due to the pursuit of perfection), we open up doors to succeed. Even if we don’t succeed, we learn something. We grow by killing our ‘self’.
Lesson #4 — Get rejected.
As someone who’s been rejected in almost every aspect of life, I can vouch for this. To avoid rejection is to strive to be good and perfect all the time. This is impossible because at some point, we all get rejected. Being honest with ourselves includes hearing the word ‘NO’ sometimes, whether we get it from someone, or say it to someone.
Contrary to popular belief, rejection isn’t the end of the world. Rejection of unnecessary alternatives merely narrows your focus, it helps you concentrate, helps you improve that one thing you should be giving a f*ck about, as opposed to juggling between ten different things to give a f*ck about.
Let’s go back to the ‘being dumped’ example. If you’ve been rejected in a relationship, yes, you will feel bad. Yes, at that point, it is the end of the world for you. In reality however, it is the removal of one person from your life whom you should not give a f*ck about, which frees up that much bandwidth for you to go give a f*ck about something else, or someone else, that’s important to you.
Lesson #5 — You’re going to die anyway.
At the end of this rigmarole, we die. It’s inevitable. If we are born, we are going to die. If this is certain and coming our way for sure, why do we run from it? Better to make peace with it, no?
I love the way Manson changes the focus from the negative aspect of death (actually dying and/or losing the people you love) to the ‘sunny’ side of death where he asks you to focus on your legacy. What are you leaving behind in this world which will keep you immortal after death? Manson says that the best way to be at peace is to come to terms with one’s own death. What he says about death is beautiful —
Confronting the reality of our own mortality is important because it obliterates all the crappy, fragile, superficial values in life. While most people whittle their days chasing another buck, or a little bit more fame and attention, or a little bit more assurance that they’re right or loved, death confronts all of us with a far more painful and important question: What is your legacy?
Believe me, you’re in for a roller-coaster ride with this book! The Subtle Art… is like the slap in the face we didn’t realise is coming. It’s the wake-up call that comes with a bang, instead of the gentle awakening we expect.
It’s a dunk-your-face-in-cold-water, shake-you-by-the-shoulders marvel which you have to read today, if you want to start taking life by the reins.
Stop giving so many f*cks about trivial matters in the outside world and start giving more f*cks about the kind of human being you’re becoming, the quality of relationships you have and the legacy you’ll be leaving behind.
Pick this book up today — you’ll be glad you did.
