2025
2025 was the year I tested many hypotheses.
I tried things that might work toward my will and my dreams, checking them off one by one. Someone popular once said, “Hyper-experiment the hell out of everything.” I’d reframe that into a more humble approach: an ikhtiar — an earnest effort to seek His ridha.
2025 was also a year of emotional roller coasters. I used the same phrase to summarize 2021, but the intensity was different. Perhaps as we grow older, the “levels” get harder and the emotional cost increases. And when I say that, I mean it quite literally. All the sweat and tears came with lessons and wisdom. When I choose to frame those moments as ikhtiar — as tests where I could still “harvest pahala” — gratitude feels like the only reasonable response to everything that unfolded.
New friends mean new perspectives
Last year, I met more than 100 new people — through work, bootcamps, college, communities, and even friends of friends. Many of those connections continued on social media, quietly reshaping my algorithm with a refreshing sense of diversity. Coming from varied backgrounds, they expanded my perspective on topics I thought I already understood. Their posts sparked discussions around things I was curious about — politics, the economy, and many other issues. Sometimes we agreed, sometimes we debated — but either way, the experience sharpened my empathy by forcing me to see the world through their lenses. I’m genuinely grateful that our paths crossed.
Unlocking new exciting things while keeping the old excitement alive
Testing hypotheses means trying out new things every year, month, even day. I knocked on every door that might lead me closer to my wishes and dreams, hoping each would serve as a stepping stone. I cherished every new experience as rizq. Some of them, at last, were checked off this year.
- Policy-related milestones.
Think Policy Bootcamp and Policy Talk: programs I had wished to join for years. Finally attending felt like an effort to properly school myself before commenting on government policies (yes, this is me trying to be responsible — lol). Unexpectedly, my team also secured 2nd runner-up in a capstone project, where we created a communication policy brief on Online Child Sexual Exploitation and Abuse (OCSEA). That one genuinely caught me off guard. - Religious and personal growth events.
Half Deen (yes, I know I joined after the hype), Reset and Rise by Terang Jakarta — where I discovered their flagship program combining Islam and personal growth, and Disconnect by YukNgaji which has remained my go-to since attending NgeSlow. Each offered a different kind of grounding. - Iluni UI Campaign Team: Ivan–Boy.
This was my first time witnessing the full dar-der-dor of an Iluni UI election, alongside 6 other candidates (which is… a lot). The hype somehow surpassed local elections. While we didn’t win, earning over 5,000 votes felt like a real achievement. More importantly, it became a moment to reconnect with my seniors, especially fellow FTUI alumni. - Graduate school attempts.
I took SIMAK UI and was accepted. I also applied for Chevening and, unexpectedly, was shortlisted and invited to a gathering. In the end, I chose to withdraw my Chevening application and commit to UI instead — a difficult decision, especially since becoming a shortlisted Chevening candidate is far from easy. After that, the kuliah–kerja routine became one of the highlights of 2025: nonstop days from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m. (sometimes longer), every Monday to Thursday. It also marked my return to kosan life — tiring, intense, yet maturing. - New sports (cabor).
Pilates and padel entered the chat. Pilates will likely stay as a once-or-twice-a-month indulgence (because wow, it’s expensive?!!), while I continue focusing on strength training and yoga. - New dishes.
My most niat creation so far: abon ikan as a filling for luti gendang, a traditional dish from Kepulauan Riau. Made entirely from scratch (yes, including skinning the fish) and took a solid four hours to dry. Worth it. - New game consoles.
It Takes Two and Overcooked. Games that will either strengthen your bond or completely destroy it. No in-between.
Beyond all those new experiences, I’m grateful that I was still able to actively participate in my communities. Penjaskes MB is more than just a group to exercise with — it has become a genuine support system.
I’m also thankful for the Shafa Community, which continues to color my Monday nights through our online liqo. Those small, consistent moments matter more than they seem.
Despite managing to unlock many exciting new experiences, I failed to manage my emotions.
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Throughout the second half of 2025, I found myself on the verge of tears almost every week — sometimes every day. The kuliah–kerja routine, which demanded full offline presence, was no joke, especially when my usual support system was unavailable. There were moments when tears simply fell as I sat on TransJakarta during my commute. I became overly sensitive — most likely a result of mental and physical exhaustion. My lifestyle grew unhealthier: I rarely exercised, couldn’t properly manage my meals, and although weekends were the most ideal time to work out, I often spent less than 24 hours at home before heading back to Jakarta. Trying to juggle multiple commitments while consistently giving 90–100% effort, without properly managing expectations, turned out to be a recipe for burnout. I only began to understand one of the root causes after a late-night pillow talk with Anin. She said:
“Gue juga awalnya total banget, Gi, buat kuliah. Sampai gue sadar kalau motivasi orang kuliah itu beda-beda. Ada yang sudah berkeluarga dan punya anak, ada yang masih single, ada yang sudah lebih berumur, ada juga yang fresh grad. Tujuannya pasti beda-beda.”
Her perspective was enlightening. I realized I had been viewing things too idealistically — an approach that eventually backfired. I expected my studies to unfold smoothly, with minimal disruption. When reality failed to match that expectation, I felt lost and undone.
How I see 2025
I kept telling myself that I wasn’t doing well last year — until I sat down and wrote this post. Looking back, I realized there were so many things I should be grateful for. I kept powering through, no matter how hard the situation became. I kept showing up even when my body resisted.
Some things didn’t end well. There were moments when my friends had to cover for me because I couldn’t give my all, and I found myself apologizing repeatedly, weighed down by guilt. But deep down, I know I tried the best I could with what I had at the time.
This post is also a quiet thank-you note to everyone who walked with me through 2025. I let some of you down. I was emotionally unavailable at times and often not in the best headspace. Going through both thin and thick moments during the kuliah–kerja phase taught me lessons — both literal and figurative — that I will carry forward.
So, thank you for staying. It meant more than you probably know.
Hopes for 2026
The good thing about testing hypotheses is that, eventually, curiosity finds its closure. Over the past few years, I kept talking about pursuing graduate studies — it was my main priority at the time. Last year, I finally made it. Whether I continue the program or not, I now feel able to move on (hopefully only for a while — aamiin) and shift my focus. For the first time, I could clearly write down new priorities for 2026.
Becoming Manusia Dewasa feels like the concept that best summarizes my purpose for the year ahead. It’s a lesson that stayed with me after Reset and Rise, and one that was also emphasized by Mba Arum.
Manusia Dewasa
1. Sadar jati diri dan mampu menjalankan prinsip hidup
2. Tangguh dalam menghadapi kehidupan
3. Mampu menerima hidup bersama orang lain
4. Berperan positif dan produktif di tengah kehidupan
5. Memperjuangakan panggilan dan misi kehidupan
(Konsep ini merupakan sintesis dari teori psikologi perkembangan, terutama Erik Erikson dan Gordon Allport)
I want to learn how to become Manusia Dewasa. Not merely because I turned 30 last year, but because I hope this concept can encompass everything I need to grow into — a more grounded human being, a more taqwa servant of Allah, and someone who understands her roles in alignment with the mafahim.
Last year, I tested many hypotheses, yet I often forgot that even a null hypothesis can be rejected. Too many times, I was unprepared — placing excessive hope on outcomes while forgetting that Allah is, indeed, the Best of Planners.
I remember Abed sharing something that deeply resonated with me during the Community Series
“I have discovered the meaning of the giant hand.
A hand has two functions, to grip and to release. But without both of these powers, it is useless. Like newborn infants, we grab what comes near us, hoping to control it, taste it, jam it into another child’s eye.
But, the time we spend in control of our world, is the time we spend letting go of others. Ideas, stories, pride, girls in soft sweaters, video games, buttered noodles: grip one for too long, and you lose so much that you’ve never held.
This giant hand, was sent to all of us as an invitation. To increase our mastery over the power to hold on. And let go.”
Going forward, I hope to find better balance — between gripping things tightly as part of ikhtiar, and releasing them with trust, letting Allah decide what comes next. May we always find reasons to maintain khusnuzan toward Allah’s plan.
Jakarta, 4 Januari 2026
Di kamar berukuran 4m x 3.5m, merasakan lega karena tahun ini berhasil menyelesaikan recap tahunan setelah 2 tahun hiatus
