Friends?
Pretending to be a happy and emotionally stable person is the hardest for me. Most people may have experienced it in their past or may be experiencing it right now. When your chest starts to feel empty and your heart start to feel heavy you know it’s that shit going in you again.
Thinking you have a best friend, even just a normal friend, but then realizing you are not their best and they have other friends that they think are better than you is the worst thing. Realizing they don’t really try to be your friend and you’re just their back up friend, doesn’t really want to talk to you as much as you do, forgets about you when you stopped texting them, not thinking much about the friendship between you two, not wanting to save the friendship and communicate.
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Always pretending to be okay even though you are not. Not wanting to let them know that you’re having problems because you are the ‘emotional support’ friend whose life is sunshine and rainbows. Trying to help them improve and giving them advice that they think are annoying. Telling them everything you have learned because you genuinely think about them and want the best for them.
Having someone to talk to when things are hard is one of the best things to have. Listening to their lives supporting them, even though they act differently when you do the same to them. After trusting them and telling them about yourself they think you’re just seeking attention and making it all about yourself. Talking behind your back about your sensitive topics making fun of it. Telling me things are going to get better right after they called me an attention seeker with their actual friends. Pretending like you got better because you don’t want them to think you are annoying.
Realizing friends are not supposed to be your biggest haters and are supposed to support you when things are difficult. Pretending to be okay even when you’re definitely not. Trying to hide your feelings from them because you think they would judge you. Them telling you it’s okay for you to be emotional and open. But when you finally open up to them, you once again realize they didn’t care about you from the start. Trying not to lose them because you have no one else.
‘The urge to have a best friend, telling them all about yourself, talking about your everyday life and hanging out with them’ you think as you smile at your so-called best friend.
