GREAT THINGS BEGIN FROM THE INSIDE
Once there lived a happy couple.
After few years, the husband became concerned that his wife was not hearing as well as she used to hear. He thought that she might need a hearing aid but he wasn’t sure how to approach her with this suggestion.
He called his family doctor for advice. The doctor told him to test it with a simple idea.
The doctor said, “Stand 40 feet away from her and speak as loud as you would speak to her in a normal conversation. Observe if she hears you. If not, reduce the distance into 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response. The distance will help us to estimate her requirements for the hearing aid.”
Next day, the husband saw his wife cooking dinner in the kitchen. So, he took the opportunity to check the doctor’s idea. He walked 40 feet away from his wife and asked, “Dear, what is there for dinner?” He waited for a response but did not get any.
He moved a bit closer and asked again, “My dear, what is there for dinner?” He still did not get any response from his wife.
He then stood twenty feet away from his wife and asked the same question, hoping he would get a response this time. But the wife did not respond.
He then stood just ten feet away from his wife and asked, “Dear, what is there for dinner?” He did not get any response.
By now the husband was very concerned. He felt really bad about his wife’s hearing.
Then he walked right behind her, put his hands gently on her shoulders and said, “Honey, what is there for dinner?”
The wife shouted, “John, this is the fifth time I’m saying, CHICKEN…!”
The story is funny and sweet. The husband feels bad his wife is not hearing him and is not responding. He feels she requires a hearing aid. But it is apparent that the wife was responding… and it was the husband who couldn’t hear!
In a metaphoric way, it reveals the possibility that the ‘problem’ may not be with others, but very much within us. It is a fact that we are always focusing our attention on the people around us and trying in different ways to set those right/ fix those around us so we can go on with our lives uninterrupted/comfortably. We then also perhaps want to fix the way theylook/walk/dress/eat/behave…
And often in close relationships-(son/daughter/friend/parent)- this attention is labelled as ‘concern’…If only you would clean up your room, if only you would help me sometimes…if only you would listen to me…if only you were not so strict…etc.
The problem is always perceived with the other- the loved one, the neighbour, the partner, the government, the country…
It is also about ‘expectations’- they should know how I am feeling.
As young children, one may have found times when there are things that feel difficult or uneasy. You may tend to say that it was because of someone- ‘he/she always does this to me’, ‘he/she started it’, or ‘he/she also did it, so why can’t I’…it could be your feelings about anyone, or anything.
Do you realise that by looking at what others are saying and doing, you are not looking at your own feelings? Sadly, this attitude continues even into adulthood…
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Recently, a ‘new’ friend of mine asked me for money. It made me uncomfortable. There were a few things that troubled me- I barely knew her, and the familiarity or casualness seemed distrustful. I also did not have that kind of money to give away.
The first time she asked, I casually and jokingly pushed the matter aside, not really saying what I was feeling. I did not want to ‘look bad’ and have her feel I was ‘difficult’… because I was enjoying getting to know her. The incident passed and we continued to be friends. Then a couple of weeks later she again asked for money. I wanted for her to understand me and my feelings without my telling her; this was an expectation I had. She should understand that I am not feeling ok about this.
So, I skirted around the topic, avoided talking to her, or responding to her messages. I really didn’t know how to handle it, so it felt easier to hide and wish it away. But that was not going to happen on its own!
I then made the effort; I expressed my difficulty and my discomfort at what she had asked. I soon found myself ‘unfriended’. That did hurt me. I am sure she was also feeling upset hearing a no. Did I not do the ‘right’ thing by saying no? I thought to myself… would I have been happy if I gave in and lent the money, even with inconvenience to me? And does friendship mean you can’t say no or take a no? And if that made her upset with me, do I want to placate her? I allowed myself to acknowledge that I was feeling sad, and then let it go.
Remember ‘to keep the finger towards yourself’. Tell yourself each time you are not feeling good or that something is ‘not right’: “Ok. I am not feeling good about this.”
Then ask yourself: “What in me is making me feel this way? What can I do about this so that I feel peaceful/ calmer/more at ease?” When you stop fighting it, and realise that you only have to see how you could best deal with the situation, you discover many things that can be managed- what do I want to do to find a solution, what all can I do- answer these for yourself and you will find yourself calmer and surer.
Help yourself feel better by seeing what you need to do instead of trying to change the others or wanting a different situation.
