Murder Motel
Ghostly spirits of yore deliver frights far beyond gore
Dear Trick-or-Treat Rex,
My horror-loving wife always plans a scary weekend for us every autumn.
She is a huge, huge fan of the paranormal.
Not my thing at all, if I’m being totally honest, but I’m happy to play along. She really enjoys this stuff! Fine by me.
Well, at least it used to be. The last few years have gotten more elaborate. A bit more intense.
Which leads us … to this year’s offering.
We are booked to stay at the Château Belmont du Macabre. (“One of the top five horror destinations in the mid-Atlantic region.”)
As a former boarding house, it was apparently the site of grisly events nearly a century ago. Today it is an upscale B&B with a decidedly dark and deadly allure.
Château Belmont promises more than just spooky encounters. They specifically guarantee that “ectoplasm will be felt by every guest, multiple times, throughout their stay.”
Ectoplasm!
Allow me to unironically quote Academy Award-winner Will Smith in the movie Independence Day when I say: Awwww, hell no.
I’m starting to wonder if I married a kook.
But kook or not — she’s my ride or die. I would never want to be without her. She’s awesome in every other possible way.
Should I just resign myself to a weird weekend once a year and say nothing?
Does every partner have some awful flaw that we must rise above if we wish to be happy?
Signed,
Having Occasional Regret Rationalizing If Flame Is Extremely Demented
Dear HORRIFIED,
October is a special time of year, one that imbues strong passions!
A celebration of the ghostly and the grotesque, the unusual and the unearthly, and all monsters on-the-job within the macabre.
Halloween, it is almost assumed, is beloved by everyone.
Yet you are not as big a fan as your partner.
Understandable!
Rarely are two people fully in sync on every issue.
Compatibility is tricky even for “normal” events. The flotsam and jetsam of a poltergeist? That takes it to an altogether different level.
Your perspective, however, is on point. You recognize that your spouse is amazing, albeit with one critical flaw.
As such, you seem to have answered your own question, if I’m reading correctly.
Compromise is part of the deal.
It’s the cornerstone of any relationship!
Certainly you want her to be happy?
To chase the passions that bring her soul alive?
Think of it this way. Would she want the kind of man …
- Who would act as an Edgar-Allen-“No” to all her wildest dreams?
- Who gives her many hopes the H.P. Loveshaft?
- While giving his own ego the ol’ Bram Stroker?
- Possessing the empty sight of Doctor Franken-Blind, whose eyes can’t process her mad charms?
- Who acts like a Scooby-Dooby-Don’t, failing to solve her wondrous, delectable mysteries?
Hopefully my utter lack of subtly has driven the point home!
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Alas, forgive my enthusiasm and elaborate naming conventions.
Sometimes my soul is a Jack-O’-Many-Lanterns.
In conclusion, allow me to put this in the starkest possible terms:
You have to go on a haunted weekend once a year? That is your complaint?
Far be it from me to tell anyone how to feel.
But a spritz of ectoplasm is a small price to pay for marital bliss.
Smile through these events, and she will remember your smiles!
Ghosts and goblins are no match for a love that’s honest and true.
Even if sometimes, well, you must fake it, for reasons that are honorable and extremely truthful at heart.
REX
Counterpoint commentary by …
Madame Zoltara
This entire discussion?
Quite preposterous!
No one can guarantee any physical interaction with the denizens of the spirit realm.
These obvious charlatans should be castigated for their shameless fraud.
How dare they target the mystical plane of existence with their tawdry scams?
Allow me to provide my services as a much more credible and believable conduit to the world of vapors, phantoms, wraiths and apparitions.
For a mere $300 per hour (55 minutes plus a 5-minute break) — Madame Zoltara will channel the ghost of any non-human entity of your choice!
Options include: Bigfoot (i.e. the Sasquatch), Nessie the Loch Ness Monster, the famed New Jersey Devil, the ghost of the mighty King Kong, the Headless Horseman’s horse, plus any and all variety of Mermaids, Moth-Men, or Minotaurs.
But the supernatural choices don’t stop there!
My commitment to otherworldly exploration knows no boundaries and no financial limitations.
For only just $500 an hour (55-minute rule still in effect), Madame Zoltara will connect you with the souls of the famed — the defamed — and the fantastic!
Interact with the most exciting and fearsome figures in all of human history, including:
Jack the Ripper! Harry Houdini! Boris Karloff! Lucrezia Borgia! Lizzie Borden! Jeffrey Dahmer! Vlad the Impaler! Cleopatra! And even the great King Tutankhamen.
But wait, that’s not all!
Buy an extra interaction with a member of the dead, and Madame Zoltara will knock 50% off your 2nd purchase.
The more mystical readings you book — the more you save!
Avoid the hassle of ectoplasmic offerings that spit out from the great beyond.
Save yourself the cost of fancy hotels.
Spend the sacred holiday of All Hallows’ Eve with a medium that you know and trust.
Yet now, Madame Zoltara must take her leave! For the spirit world weighs heavy upon these shoulders.
Especially from that darling Jeffrey Dahmer. Always clamoring to join me for a bite to eat.
Happy Halloween, my dear friends!
May the spirits guide you and lead you to my website, where deeply metaphysical interactions sit merely a credit card purchase away.
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